to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet that it's bloody sad to expect children to share their homes with people who just don't care about them

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet yes, because once they live in your home, they ain't just some random

LydiaBennet Your opinions are based on your own experience: a succession of step parents in your life who modelled a detached relationship to you. That has affected you probably more than you think.

You seem to have rigid views and a guard up with anyone other than those in your closest family. You claim to feel indifferent about children yourself.

People learn from the relationships modelled to them as children and repeat those patterns as adults.

A step parent/child relationship doesn’t always fit into the mould you experienced.

My step father raised me since I was 2. He was the only dad I had and treated me just the same as the daughters he later had with my mum.
How on earth could a 2 year old be told to “manage their expectations” around a step parent?
We all have different experiences and therefore varied views on this.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet at no point did I say that.

My point was about your total lack of empathy for another poster and that simply because you're technically correct in saying a step parent doesn't owe a step child love, it's totally normal for children to seek it.

Furthermore, you fail to acknowledge how damaging indifference and absence of love is to children growing up, regardless of whether they've been well treated or badly treated.

I'm very glad you haven't been affected by not feeling love for your step parents and not having them love you, but your lack of empathy for those who didn't have your experience is quite shocking. Nearly as shocking as your apparent ignorance as to how these things affect other people.

Additionally, none of this has anything to do with ascribing to the sort of parenting where children are given everything they want and it's quite something to seeing you equate love with this.

your lack of empathy for those who didn't have your experience is quite shocking

@LeMoo do you have empathy for step parents who are doing their best but who don't match up to expectations you have of how they should feel? Note I am saying feel, not act.

Absolutely. At no point have I said that step parents should feel anything they don't. Step parenting is hard!

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

you had “several step parents”

that sounds like a rather tumultuous childhood?

But the op didn’t ask

aibu because I don’t love my SC, did she?

she asked whether she was AIBU for feeling indifferent to your SC

and the definition of “indifferent” is
indifferent

/ɪnˈdɪf(ə)r(ə)nt/

Learn to pronounce
adjective
1.
having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.
"he gave an indifferent shrug"
Similar:
unconcerned about
apathetic about/towards
uncaring about
casual about
nonchalant about
offhand about
uninterested in
uninvolved in/with
heedless of
mindless of
careless of
regardless of
oblivious to
reckless about
cavalier about
frivolous about
dismissive of
unimpressed by
bored by
weary of
unmoved by
unresponsive to
lukewarm about
unenthusiastic about
phlegmatic about
impassive
dispassionate
aloof
insouciant
detached
distant
cold
cool
unresponsive
passionless
unemotional
emotionless
unmoved
unfeeling
unsympathetic
callous
pococurante
Opposite:
heedful
caring
2.
neither good nor bad; mediocre.
"a pair of indifferent watercolours

The issue here is the children & how they feel.
They respect this adult & they will have feelings for this adult yet this adult is, for all intents & purposes, pretending to like them because she wants to keep things sweet with their dad. To be honest I am with the friends & find It shocking.
I am quite sure that dad wouldn’t be happy if she expressed these feelings to him either!
They are her kids too in the sense that she married their dad & they come as part of the deal. She either has a relationship with them or doesn’t.
For their emotional well-being & feelings that relationship needs to be one that will continue even if she & dad break up because the kids are what is important here.
There are no half measures when you get with someone with kids in my book.
Just imagine having someone in your life, that you trust, love & respect, for many years then they just walking away from you because they no-longer love your dad & that relationship has broken down.
That is just cruel.

After reading all her replies I think it is more apathy she feels towards the children & I agree with her not interfering with how dad & biomum raise the kids but they all need to be on the same page & they aren’t because she is just going through the motions because she wants their dad.
She is creating the picture of being a nice enough person but she is a terrible step-parent.
I feel for the kids & the dad in this.

Well she’s not reading from your book, is she? She’s got her own. The reason she’s in a relationship with her husband is because she loves him, not because of his children. As long as she treats them kindly I genuinely fail to see the issue.

the father may or may not find it shocking, but considering he didn’t bother to ascertain whether she loved his children before he married her then presumably her treating them kindly when she saw them was good enough. Ultimately the responsibility for those children is his, not OP’s. They’re not her children in any biological or legal sense, and there’s no set rule as to what role a stepparent should play. That tends to vary from couple to couple.

I would be interested in seeing the number of stepparents who remain in contact with their stepchildren if they split with the parent of said children, but I don’t imagine it’s a lot tbh.

anyway, what anyone thinks here it’s not going to change OP’s situation. She’s not going to suddenly decide to leave her husband because some people mumsnet dislike her indifference.

she didn’t, but there’s been a few comments that suggest she should love them, which is what i was referring to.

I still don’t see the problem with her feeling indifference when you consider that she does treat them kindly 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wonder if (god forbid) there was a situation where op’s “indifference” were put to the test, one of the step children she’s known since 5yrs old was in an accident or gravely ill for example; whether actually she does care, feel empathy and concern.

Theres a vast middle ground between love and indifference. ..fondness, respect, tenderness, sympathy, affection, caring all lie somewhere between.

…ok.

“Ok”? What an indifferent reply 😂

Its a known part of the human psyche that people often don’t recognise the strength of their feelings until they’re tested in some way.

I struggle to believe op doesn’t have some sort of bond with her SC. Although it’s possible.

Well there we are then.
We clearly have a very different view of what comes with the territory when you enter into a relationship with someone who has young, impressionable & easily hurt or damaged kids.
If the kids were adults it would not be such an issue as they would understand if the relationship didn’t work out & the step parent no-longer wanted contact with them but being abandoned by an adult, whether they are your biological parent or not, is very damaging.
I’ll stick by how I feel though… anyone who gets into a relationship with someone who already has kids does an amazing thing because it isn’t easy taking on someone else’s children.
If you can’t give your all to those kids as if they were their own & be there for them (if they are of an age where they would still want or need contact with you) no-matter what happens to the relationship they have with their biological parent then they should rethink the adult relationship.

I still don’t see the problem with her feeling indifference when you consider that she does treat them kindly
I am “indifferent” to my neighbour. We sometimes stop and chat about the weather every now and then. If I found out he’s died, would I grieve? No. Would I take bereavement leave? No. Would I attend his funeral? No. Would I cry? No. Would I feel sad for his loved one and sad that he’d died young? Absolutely. Would I remember the day beside and mark it? No

why? Because I treated him kindly and vice versa but ultimately I was Indifferent to him

This is incredibly sad, I am divorced left due to abuse. Met my now dp through online dating. He is amazing, been together over 4 years now. I have 2 dc and he loves them and is involved in their lives. My dd calls him daddy as he's been around most of her life. I just cannot understand how you can be in their lives so long and feel no love just indifference.
It would destroy me if I thought dp felt that way towards my children and in all honesty I would end the relationship. Call me mushy and sad but my kids are everything to me

out of interest

have you ever spoken with him about how he feels about your children.

The op says they have never spoken about it. About her feelings for his children. Never. Another poster said same with hat and her partner.

something as huge as your partner feelings towards the most important people in your life and you don’t talk to them about their feelings re sharing your life and indeed your home with his children!

Its a bit odd tbh. Most people develop some sort of feeling (positive or negative) towards those they spend a lot of time in close proximity to. Particularly if that time is spent in the intimacy of your home. I'd be inclined to think you might actually resent them more than you think or are willing to admit, and this 'indifference' thing is the more acceptable mask.

You’d think there be some emotion after 10 years. Either at one end of the scale ; love, affection or at the other end; resentment, jealousy, or something in between.
But nothing? Indifference just seems so inhuman, so repressed for some reason.

@Razzle5 we actually openly speak about it often, I am fully aware he loves them both and will often refer to them as his kids when chatting to people. He has no bio kids of his own so maybe that has changed his perception of being a step parent. His father was also step parent to my dp's older siblings.
I just don't understand how someone can be married and in their kids lives for years and feel nothing for the children.
I'm not saying all kids want a step parent or that all step parents will love the children in the same way as a parent but why would anyone be with someone long term if they don't care about their children.
My kids bio dad doesn't see them anymore he was abusive to me and later them when he couldn't get to me.
My partner has been a massive support to me and to my kids. I guess we got lucky.

Sure, it may or may not be the case for OP. I don’t know, any more than you do. Just seems kinda pointless to speculate on based on very little 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sure, we have different opinions.

I’m not inclined to tell people how they should or shouldn’t feel, or how their families should operate. It’s nothing to do with me, and even if I were so inclined, ultimately it’s pointless. People are going to make their own choices and decisions regardless of whether a stranger on mumsnet approves or not. Clearly OP isn’t going to leave her husband over some online tutting.

Well you’ve described Mumsnet Whump in a nutshell; often pointless speculation based on very little

Not really. Repression in this context means a feeling that has been squashed. Indifference is the absence of any feeling that would require squashing.