To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

You can't be arsed to have a wash beforehand?! Seriously?

A wash is reasonable, the rest is not IMO.

I would say a wash beforehand is not unreasonable but the rest really shouldn't be an issue IMO. The fact you are having these issues before you are TTC seems really odd TBH. These are the issues DH and I are having now with teenage DCs at home and crazy schedules.

The wash yes, the rest it's your personal choice.

What is he doing about his issues?

Sorry but not having a wash before sex? Gross.

I would counter offer with
Trimmed hair if ur not into shaven
Brushed hair
Clean face
And for goodness sake wash your self

I would have thought being clean was a pretty basic requirement tbh. Nobody wants to be smushing claggy genitals together.

Shaving is your choice. No power on earth would get me shaving and dealing with stubble and ingrown hairs and as for pouring hot wax on it and ripping my thatch off - fuck that.

Looking 'good', does he have a tidy up? Brush his hair? Slap on some moisturiser? I'd probably counter his requests with a couple of my own tbh.

???

Very unreasonable demands

In fact the first red flag is that it's something that is prepared for rather than spontaneous because you love each other. His performance problems are his nothing to do with you not wearing make up to bed!

In theory there’s not really that much wrong with liking your partner looking “better” - I mean, I prefer my DH in shirts rather than joggers. But this is also real life, and most of us don’t walk around in our most flattering clothes and a full face of make up every day.

Pubic hair - entirely your choice how you like it

Washing - where’s that one come from? What does he mean?

It sounds like a lot of onus on you to put yourself out for him. What’s he doing?

Again, in a healthy relationship maybe sometimes you do both agree to get dressed up for a “date night” or something, if it’s something you both agree too. But just demanding that you make lots of effort for him sounds very unfair, unless there’s some kind of backstory where you’re not washing?

Don’t you both wash and put a brush through your hair before bed anyway?

The first two he can also do it if he wants you to.

but it does sound like you can’t be asked.

I’d not have sex with anyone who didn’t want to be clean to begin with.

Oh dear if you are TTC and this is where you are before you've even got children, I can't see your sex life lasting very long 😯.

Shaven pubic hair is up to you. Does he mean a tidy up or bald?

Bit of make up could be seen as quite rude!

But having a wash and not being a scruff! I can imagine if a woman came on saying her husband wouldn't wash before sex and was scruffy!

Maybe it would be more useful to ask yourself why you can't be bothered? Are you exhausted from work? Totally fed up with the TTC - has it been going on a long time?

Do you still fancy him??

I think shaven pubes is a bit far but I don't think it's unreasonable to be put off my poor hygiene.

Shaving pubes and putting on makeup are personal choices but washing self and brushing hair are good habits to form and carry out regularly, regardless of if you're having sex or not.

It might be more the fact she can't be arsed to wash her minge first though 🤢

I mean, each to their own, all but the makeup are my basic must dos for me to feel in the mood anyway let alone dh. I like having make up on and getting glammed up but it's not a necessity for sex, but I hate my hair looking awful and the other two are just a non negotiable have to be done for me.

If you can't be arsed being clean... then i imagine sex really isn't much fun at all.

Washing not unreasonable (who wants to have sex with a dirty person?)
Public hair depends what he means - neat and tidy not unreasonable in my opinion, full Brazilian if you don’t want it is totally unreasonable.
hair - stick it in a ponytail? Takes five seconds to sort?
makeup - no way!

It sounds like he's deflecting from his problem by giving you a ridiculous tick box list of requirements that you'll never be able to fulfill, so he can blame you instead of taking responsibility. If a man asked me to shave my pubic hair and wear makeup before sex i'd be off. I wouldn't be having a baby with this man

@LuckyLil

I wash as part of getting ready for bed, brush teeth etc, beyond that what is her dh expecting? Who wears make up to bed?

I think a wash is a basic minimum. It’s going to be really unpleasant, and potentially stomach churning, for both of you if the other hasn’t washed and is a bit whiffy.

The rest is debatable. I certainly cba to do all of them each time. I think that if you’re ttc, sex may have turned into another job, like doing the dusting. But if you lose that connection with your DH, where you both fancy each other, you might find it very, very difficult to get it back.

A wash and enthusiasm are the only requirements

When you say a wash do you mean like you haven’t washed all day? Or like you had a shower an hour ago and he wants you to go back and wash again before sex? I think that Determines if it’s unreasonable or not.

i think he’s BU to blame you for him not getting it up, it’s not helpful and it’s quite nasty, and really divides you when you’re meant to be feeling closer and the things he’s listed aren’t very nice to hear because they all imply you’re a bit gross and he isn’t into you, I don’t know why he’d want to make you feel that way. Maybe if he’s normally a nice guy, it was a clumsy way of saying he’d like you to seem and be more into it though, because it sounds like you’re not.
But what’s he doing? If he’s in old holey underwear without a shower himself then he’s definitely BU

How about trimmed pubes?
shaving is gross most of the time when it grows back

What do you mean by 'a wash beforehand'?

I shower every morning, but I don't go and specifically wash my minge in anticipation of sex?

I’m not being rude if I had a penis I doubt I’d be able to get it up if it was around a vagina that hadn’t been cleaned 🤮

sounds like he is criticising you because he’s projecting his own insecurities. Who on earth thinks you should put makeup on to go to bed?? That’s just flat out weird.