To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

So what effort is he making?

This is an important point that you should have put in your OP. It wasn't clear if he is being a twat, or if you don't already wash regularly.

Asking you to wash directly before sex if you already shower twice a day is bizarre. And a mood killer.

Sounds like he is insecure about his problems getting it up and taking it out on you by trying to make you feel shit. Not a situation that will be improved by a baby. He will drag you down and make you doubt yourself. Sorry OP.

Has his 'list' only appeared since his ED started OP? Just wondering if he's looking for excuses (which conveniently blame you) for why he can't get it up because he's embarrassed/can't face up to the problem? Obviously washing is a reasonable ask but the rest just sound like hoops for you to jump through so he can avoid the issue. I wonder if the list would get bigger if you did all those things and he still couldn't perform?

Ok yeah, this is a bit ridiculous and sounds like he's clutching at reasons for his ED rather than tackling the problem

People who are disgusted with you must stink. Are you a stinker or do you wash every day? I’ve never had a special sex wash because I’m generally a clean person, and the same has applied for my partners, and I’m a lesbian, so I get up close and personal with fanny, so it’s not different for me.

sounds like he’s blaming his failing manhood on you TBH, it’s not unusual for men to Blaine women for their flaccid cock’s. I’m presuming his dick worked before without you jumping through this list of ridiculous hoops. Does he have a shave and do his hair and shave his balls for you?

This is all a bit weird.

I assume he means he wants you to make a bit of effort in general.

Did you wear make up before?

When I met dp he always looked after himself. Obviously living together you also see them first thing or on a day when you are just relaxing so not making an effort.

But not a chance would I be still attached to dp if he never did his hair or wasn’t clean most of the time. Or generally let himself go.

I also wouldn’t give him oral if he didn’t trim his Pubic hair. But wouldn’t demand he shave it. But there would be no oral if wasn’t kept to a minimum.

I’d stop TTC, you cba to do basic hygiene measures like wash before sex and he isn’t physically attracted to you anymore.

This

I always shower before sex and automatically brush hair and teeth.

Why? Are you generally dirty? So you stop anything sexual or flirty happening to go do those things? Sounds very robotic and odd. Where’s the spontaneity?!

Exactly!

I was starting to think I was in a parallel universe on this thread too!

Now I do shower in the morning and after exercise. But how do you know you are going to have sex so then go and shower again? It is it all pre-planned? You start getting it on - hang in a minute just off to wash my bits? That would kill the mood.

This!!

Also... not everyone saves sex for bedtime? I'd consider DH clean enough for sex/bj at any point in the day after his morning shower.

I'm sorry op if he needs you to be wearing make up and having your pubes a certain way just to find you attractive enough for an erection something is very wrong with your sex life.

Basically what he is saying is that you should act like you are into him.
When you you were earlier on in your relationship would you have anticipated having sex with him when you were unwashed with scruffy hair?
Or would you have tried to make the best of yourself?

You've admitted yourself that you don't make an effort for him and i think that is a bit sad.

Do you ever go on 'dates' with him ? The two of you get glammed up and go out for a meal or some cocktails and remember why it is that you're actually together?

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all.

Apart from the shaven pubes because ...yuck. . I know it's fashionable but it is gross. A tidy up is reasonable though.

Op washes twice a day.

He is ridiculous. The only thing I thought he had a point with was being washed but when your update clarified you wash twice a day as standard (which is more than average), I think he is being silly as you turn don’t need to specifically wash again unless you have some medical issue that needs attention.

As for getting rid of pubic hair, putting on make-up and doing your hair - fuck that. I’d stop ttc and get rid tbh.

You say yourself you don't make an effort. I think this goes beyond superficial appearance like makeup. To me it sounds like when he says makeup, hair etc he's scrambling around for a way to quantify it but he's avoiding the real issue.

Getting each other in the mood for sex goes both ways. And the surface level stuff like grooming isn't unimportant but it means nothing if you don't have an interest in each other.

Do you ever make proper quality time for each other, date nights for example?

I really can't see why you want to have kids with someone you can't be arsed to make an effort with! If you've lost the spark before having a baby then it will never come back.

Start questioning your choices here before you get pregnant!
I think his ED is basically saying the same thing, you can't be arsed with each other, no baby will fix that.

Washing down below is a reasonable request. Him suggesting shaved legs occasionally is probably reasonable if like me you have a lot of body hair.

Demanding you shave your pubic area is unreasonable, and a little creepy.

Asking you to do your head hair and wear make up to bed is ridiculous. Are you supposed to sleep in the make up? Or get up and take it all off after sex while he’s snoozing?

If he’s gone floppy it’s nothing to do with these issues. He’s looking for ways to blame you. Sounds like a relationship issue.

I should also add to my last post that I wash twice daily, we have been TTC on and off now for a few years so it's really taking its toll.

I just don't know what to do but I have little enjoyment in sex anymore due to this and it doesn't help in terms of being inspired to make an effort.

It's dragging me down

Everyone jumping on about having a wash, but I don't always have a wash specifically to have sex either. My vagina isn't dirty and smelly if it I haven't washed it in a couple of hours. If I've been to work or done exercise or been out for the day, I'll generally have a general wash anyway, I wouldn't then wash again for the sake of having sex. And what do you do if you have spontaneous sex? Do you quickly run off the bathroom for fear of a smelly vagina?

I sincerely hope he does all those things on the list as well. Or does he expect you to make all the effort ?

I would also consider DH clean enough after a morning shower for the rest of the day.
Hell we often have sex first thing in the morning and nobody has had a shower. We don’t seem to mind.

but what she's telling us is that she can't even be bothered to wash her fanny before sex.

she didn’t say that and you sound gross and immature

She said she washed twice a day.

Are you seriously telling me that you wash your fanny before every time you have sex?!

Of course you should wash beforehand. That is a really basic requirement. Very clean teeth too is a basic.

It takes 3 minutes to brush your hair, put on some lipstick and a bit of mascara or eyeliner and a bit of perfume. If you can't be bothered to spend three minutes making an effort for your long term partner, what message are you sending?

If DH cam near me unshaven without showering or clean teeth I'd turn him down. But he never would.