To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Washing twice a day and not shaving your pubic hair or putting makeup on for sex is NOT 'letting yourself go' for fucks sake.

If this thread is real it's really sad and makes me glad for my DH who doesn't expect a sterile shaved fanny and face full of makeup to get an erection.

Shaven pubic hair
The only hair on my body is on my head, but that is my choice not for anyone else benefit.

A bit of makeup
That's for going out not going in

Hair not looking a mess
That should be for your benefit too and perfectly reasonable.

A wash beforehand
Of course that is reasonable.

But, to be honest, it all sounds as if you feel sex is a chore and a duty. Where's the passion?

Or anywhere but their house or bed I suppose.

DH requires nothing from that list before sex, which is just as well because it's ridiculous.

Most people shower daily these days - and you clarified that you wash twice a day - so unless oral sex is on the cards, I don't think that genital areas need any further washing before doing the deed.
Although apparently many mumsnetters do - in the same way that they change the sheets every time intercourse takes place.

OP I'd call his bluff, have the shower, blow dry the hair and put on the make up - but I wouldn't get rid of your pubes unless you want to - and see if he wants sex then. Bet he doesn't, ED and probably a porn addiction- all to do with him and nothing with you.

Yes he does

Ok so to me it sounds as if TTC is taking its toll and maybe the lack of spontaneity, plus pressure to perform, is kicking in.

I suspect he thinks a bit more 'visual' stimulation will help and you know, he has communicated & essentially asked for help with the issue (in a clumsy sort of way).

Maybe a bit more discussion about the actual problem may help but work with him on this.

@FilthyforFirth (love the username btw!) I think a lot of it is bandwagoning because I know no one irl that would consider themselves to have a dirty vag if they showered at least once a day. I sincerely hope the American traditions of douching and vaginal perfumes aren't trying to force their way in.

And I've had quite a few sexual partners and not one of them has ever expected me to wash specifically for sex, nor have they offered to.

Being clean is fair enough but I have RTFT and you do that already.

The rest - it is your business whether you do that or not. Personally, I think he sounds pornsick. I’d be reevaluating TTC.

We are old and married. It's nice to look nice for our partners. I care more that my wife finds me attractive than some random on the street. I know what outfits turn her on and vice versa. It's nice to make the effort and make it clear that sex is on the cards later that evening. Its hard sometimes with family and work and so on. But it's always worth the effort.

It's very easy (especially for women) for a relationship to turn into housemates instead of lovers. The effort is worth it, both people have to make it.

I think you should stop TTC immediately - this doesn't sound like a relationship that you want to bring a child into tbh....

Yes I make an effort for sex.

I know TTC can be very draining. But it's also only 5 days of the month and if you're tracking you know when your fertile time is coming up and there's generally 3 key times to have sex. So at the start of your fertile time can you spend an hour in the bathroom and just get a bit shaven and clean?

TTC is difficult for men too. I think you both have to be trying to make it as nice as possible over those days for each other.

I don't think he's being unreasonable.

Basic hygiene is a given in a sexual relationship and there is nothing wrong with "dressing up" for sex if you have time or the occasion. For example, if my DH and I go away for a night on a hotel, we will both make an effort with my appearance with shaved pubes, get my hair done, nice underwear etc.

But if my DH couldn't get a hard on because I hadn't shaved my pubes or wasn't wearing make up, I would consider the marriage on its way out.

Washing is perfectly reasonable if you’re having sex at the end of the day. Sleepy just-waking-up sex isn’t the same if you go for a wash beforehand.

Sod the rest of his requirements. That’s treating you like an inflatable sex doll.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Having read your update re porn @dhaex your partner is projecting what he thinks as "normal" thanks to his porn watching and that's also most likely the reason for his ED.

How did cavemen ever get it up without a freshly washed, freshly shaved fanny and a face of makeup from their partner?!

If a bloke couldn't get it up because I wasn't wearing makeup and hadn't shaved and washed my fanny immediately beforehand that would be a massive deal breaker for me.

"Smushing claggy genitals together"

😆😆😆😆😆 @IncompleteSenten I think I love you. You've utterly cheered me from gloom!

Sorry OP in the time it took me to write my post the thread had skipped to 5 pages and you have written several updates which have changed my view to what I originally said!

I didn't realise I'd taken that long to write my post!

Yes I agree with your post I think because he sometimes struggles he is thinking it must be to do with my appearance when perhaps it is but perhaps it's not he is probably just as confused as I am

I wondered this.

@dhaex, Number of issues here. Ttc is stressful especially if it's been a number of years. It can cause partners to "turn on" each other rather than pull together.

How long have you been together? Have you started investigations?

I think your initial post caused people to jump on the washing thing but most people who have spontaneous sex don't wash beforehand or do hair & makeup. Many women chose not to shave and that's your choice. It isn't a small thing to shave pubic hair so don't believe that!

I think you need to determine what's going on for him...perhaps ttc is resulting in issues for him and he is seeking to blame you rather than recognise he is stressed but the process.

To be honest I would seriously consider this relationship and where its going.

Vagina’s are self cleaning. That’s if you mean vagina at all.

We haven't got the time this either happens now or never - it's been dragging on for years we are not young enough to stop.

This is perhaps difficult for those who haven't struggled to TTC but it's becoming hell to be honest

Ban the porn. It ruins a lot of sex lives.

Ladies, we do not have to shave our pussy! It’s natural and sexy to have pubic hair like the men do Only do it if you want to