To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Correct. He has an issue and he's projecting it on you.
Anyone who showers daily is clean, and vaginas are also self cleaning. I need to know what your baseline cleanness is to understand what he's asking for.
If you really love him then this needs sorting out quickly and kindly with a view to long term healthy relating.
If you don't, it's time to bail. And do not have a baby with him.

Also... better quality sex is more loving and liberated and creative. It's not more fussy and rule based and based on shitty unreasonable unfair beauty standards.

There's some worrying self hate on here too. Don't be one of these women who hates their own body.

This thread is making me feel very dirty... I wash daily and of course after exercise but I dont specificallh wash before sex..
Does everyone honestly do this?! Does no one have spontaneous sex? Or sex first thing in the morning?

DH are I are getting our sex life back on track after years of no effort, having to wash ahead of time would ruin the mood!

Sorry to derail OP. If you are washing daily I dont think a specific wash is needed personally. Likewise with hair and makeup. Shaven pubes are entirely up to you.

I think washing isn't unreasonable. Re shaving, I also don't see the issue if you don't mind doing it. I shave and don't have to do it that often to keep on top of it. Make up seems a bit silly though.

Is it a basic requirement to wash before sex now? (On top of daily shower obvs). Does nobody have spontaneous sex??

Do you not wash every day anyway? I mean I have a shower every day and sometimes a bath too at night? I feel like saying "oh hang on, let me have a quick shower" before sex would take the spontaneity out of it? If you'd not showered for days fair enough but if I'd had one a few hours beforehand?
I wear a bit of make up most days unless I'm just staying home and tend to shave just cos that's my personal preference. Don't you usually have sex on an evening though when you've taken your make up off? If I'd just had a bath and got into bed with my partner and he'd asked me to put make up on he would not be getting anything 😂

You're already washing twice daily, so zero issues with 'personal hygiene' there.
I'm assuming that's what you've always done ? In which case it's just an excuse he's invented to make you feel 'responsible' for his erectile 'issues'.

The other 'excuses' are just that, excuses.
It's not reasonable for him to insist upon ''shaven pubic hair, a bit of makeup and hair not looking a mess'' unless you're insisting on the same kinds of things ? i.e Face shave & aftershave, hair done and shaved pubes ??

I'd be having an honest chat with him about TTC and potential fatherhood, because he's having issues 'performing', which have bugger all to do with your 'appearance'...

Sorry someone mentioned I should have put the washing thing in my OP but to be honest it didn't occur because I thought it was just standard to wash twice daily!! But yes you're right I should have made it clear as now some posters think I don't wash that's not the case at all!

Sorry for the confusion, also if oral sex was involved I agree I would wash that area directly before but that's not what we talking about it's just general sex

It sounds like displacement from him, making his ED your responsibility. If you’re finding ttc makes you not be arsed maybe he’s finding the same plus added pressure to perform on particular days.

How technical is your shared approach to ttc? If it’s feeling a faff can you take the pressure off and just do it every other day after your period has finished for a couple of weeks?

How old you both are and how long you’ve been ttc has an impact on whether that’s practical.

If you wash twice a day then you are clean.

Did you make an effort with your appearance before?

tbh he doesn’t find you attractive anymore. You can’t be arsed with sex but do it just to get pregnant. Sounds like a shit marriage

@Smilelesstalkmore it actually gives me the boak to think of people having sex without washing beforehand. You’ve been doing the toilet through day, if you’re not going to shower before bed then absolutely wash your intimate areas. Why would anyone expect someone to have sex with them when they’ve not cleaned there?

Is this one of those competitive washing threads.

'Ew, if you don't wash your vagina immediately before sex your are GRIM' type things?

The problem with TC is sex goes from something more spontaneous (and therefore those things would not be something you would need to do as long as you are a fairly clean person!). To something far more thought out and scheduled in - which is where I think this possibly occurs.

That said the fact that he is putting it all on you is an issue

I’m laughing at ‘special sex wash’

Just out of curiosity

How often are you both having sex?
Who initiates it?
When was the last time you made a sexy effort?

I take it he's also groomed, clean shaven and freshly cleaned every time too?

Hate to say it but if he's losing that spark you both need to up your game towards each other sexually tbh

Don't worry, MN is obsessed with showering/being ridiculously sterile.

DH and I kiss first thing without brushing teeth! I can imagine some posters passing out at this notion

What ever happened to spontaneous sex?

if he is suffering from erectile dysfunction, then there could be a medical reason - stress, diabetes etc, (or, because i’ve been on mumsnet too long, an affair!).

So you never have spontaneous sex then? OK.

Nothing would slam my clam shut faster than a pre-bang to do list. How can you have the good, spontaneous, giggly shagathon with that military operation to consider first?

If it was planned, ie, fancy a bit tonight love? Then yes OK you could "prep" for that, but fucking hell. His limp noodle is not due to your lack of hygiene or makeup.

Is he having a wash and shaving his pubes ?

I would never let a man near me until I have douched with Dettol and a wire brush.

Anything else is disgusting.

Yes I make massive efforts when we go out I'm quite a fashionable person, keep in shape etc so this doesn't translate to all areas of life but when home I like to be comfy and rock joggers no makeup etc because who wants to be glam all day 24/7? To me glamming up is to go out not round the house

All these ridiculous posts about stopping to go tidy up for 3 minutes! You all must have a hellishly boring sex life lacking in spontaneity! Or you are extremely sweaty smelly ugly people! I wash twice and brush teeth twice and I smell great! We both go downtown no problem. No make up needed either to get my DH hard. Nobody needs to run off to wash like it’s a dirty thing we are doing. Loosen up everybody! I don’t need him to ‘trim’ to blow him either! God, what is wrong with everyone? Do you not enjoy each others natural bodies?

Unless very impromtu a wash is surely the least you can do - and even then a good wash afterwards is probably a plan!

The rest seems unreasonable

And now you've said there is no oral involved.....it sounds a bit joyless.