To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Anyone else feel like he is blaming her for his erectile distinction?

I cross posted with you earlier but having read your update I think he is being unreasonable to expect you to wash before daytime sex since you are washing twice daily anyway. I think he needs to address his own issues, maybe talk to a HCP about the ED. Maybe it's the stress of ttc that has sucked all the joy out of the relationship.

Yes to update we do date nights regularly and spend a lot of time together.

He also does wash his gentians before sex (think he has a bit of ice to be honest) and also he recently shaved pubic hair to make a point but I'm not bothered either way - for him it's a big deal which I find childish

Does he watch porn ? Is he expecting shaved pubes like them, and make up like them ?

a ridiculous tick box list of requirements that you'll never be able to fulfill

JFC since when did running a brush through your hair, putting a bit of mascara on and carrying out BASIC HYGENE become a ridiculous tick box list of requirements that you'll never be able to fulfill?

I genuinely wouldn't WANT to have sex with my DH like that all the time as I'd just feel rank. Same if he stopped showering and going for haircuts and wearing aftershave etc. "Lazy Sex" is fine, nothing wrong with it, but sometimes you want actual sex where you're both feeling attractive and at your best. Absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's not ridiculous at all.

How many threads do we have here where the DH lets himself go and everyone sides with the DW op?

Did you say he’s got pubic lice ?

I don’t have spontaneous sex. If I’m in the mood I have a quick wash, brush teeth and usually do put on a bit of mascara as it makes me look better, and feel more attractive. I’m mid forties with two kids. I have traded spontaneity for knowing that when my DH goes down on me, I’m not self conscious about it. I’m happy with that decision.

I mean, fair enough he has preferences but do you really want him to do his hair and put on make-up each time you fuck him?

Kidding. Do you really want to stay married to someone who's got ED and blames you for it?

My DH has never removed a single pube in his life! 😂

And i have never put makeup on specifically to make myself fuckable enough for him.

Neither of you have put it very well (him talking about ‘standards’, you feeling like you CBA) but it sounds like you are both a bit ground down by TTC. I agree if sex is this much of an effort now, it’s not going to get easier/better with kids around.. Maybe try and take the TTC overtly off the table for a bit and try and inject a bit of fun and spontaneity back in

Also can I add my legs get shaved most days but my pubic hair I just cba with i don't see what growing it is an issue but he says it's a minor thing why can't I just do it??

This is why I'm on this thread I'm really confused as to what's normal/not normal because I don't discuss this with anyone else

He's deflecting on to you here. He is bring so unreasonable.

As to the washing, it would be a mood killer for me. Vaginas aren't dirty and in need of sanitising at every opportunity.

Yeah OP, unfortunately this thread will now turn into a competitive washing thread of "I'm cleaner than you because I don't let my DH touch me unless I've recently doused myself in dettol and scrubbed off the top layer of skin with a wire brush...and then I immediately strip the sheets and put them straight on a boil wash" 🤣

Please DO NOT wash your vagina more than twice a day on a regular basis. Even twice a day is a lot for the vagina. Over washing that area can lead to an imbalance of its natural pH. Areas like the vagina have good bacteria that they need to maintain healthy, all this constant washing is not good for your body, especially if you use products. If you’re exercising or whatever, that’s one thing, but over washing doesn’t make you cleaner, it’s strips your body if the natural oils it needs to maintain itself.

And ignore immature children like @LuckyLil who is behaving like an ignorant teenager.

If your DH is making these demands then I’d be questioning things. Has anything else happens in your relationship? TTC can make sex less interesting. Are you still spontaneous or is it a bit more scheduled?

But if all he is getting pre sex is the slobbing at home in joggers, hair in a bun, can't be arsed you- while the outside world gets the glam you- maybe sometimes swap it around?

Ok having read that you wash twice a day then clearly you're clean BUT the fact that he wants you to wash makes me think maybe (whispers) there's something else going on - BV or something?

I have literally never seen one where someone required he dress up and put on make-up before sex.

Look, if you're not fanciable without putting makeup on don't project that on the rest of us.

I think a wash is pretty reasonable to be honest but the rest is up to you. Give him a list back, you'll need flowers and wine beforehand and he will need to get a full body wax

Thank you @KateMcCallister I feel a bit better but genuinely shocked at the number of women on this thread who wouldnt dream of having sex without a shower and full face of make up!

(I dont wear make up either, my poor DH!!)

You don't want Dettol. You want a bleach douche

Also all those people demanding a wash and teeth cleaned and hair crush have clearly never had spontaneous sex where you’re so wrapped up in the moment none of that shit matters. Excellent morning sex for example, happens before the teeth are cleaned. You don’t have to kiss or breath in each other’s faces.

Putting everything aside, especially now that you said you wash twice a day but he insists on more… why on Earth are you trying for baby???

Your relationship is far from being good enough to survive the stresses added by pregnancy and children.

Stop trying to conceive until you are both happy, if you don’t I can assure you you are going to be left holding the baby even if he doesn’t move on.

If my partner demanded this of me I'd tell him where to go!
What is he doing to make himself more appealing? Is he washing and styling his hair? Clean shaven directly before sex? Has he waxed his pubes? Waxed his eyebrows? Massive double standards here!
And you said you're washing twice daily so yes he's unreasonable to demand you clean directly before, talk about a mood killer.. "just go clean your fanny so we can have sex cos I think you're a bit whiffy.." cheers pal..

You both need to have a break from TTC. If you sex life is like this now, good luck when you do have a child.

Please don’t wash your vagina. Is shouldn’t be washed, you can rinse your labia though.
If you don’t know the difference, Google it.

Look, if you're not fanciable without putting makeup on don't project that on the rest of us.

😂😂😂 this!! It’s true. My DH & I are WFH, he’s all over me all day! Even if it’s been longer than 1 hour since I washed! I don’t wear make up at home either. I must be way more beautiful than I realise. We have sex more than most couples too, so… must be some ugly sweaty ladies here.

my DH doesn’t put make up on beforehand either, and I’ve accepted it too.