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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

646 replies

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:19

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

  • shaven pubic hair
  • a bit of makeup
  • hair not looking a mess
  • a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 29/10/2022 11:32

JessesMum777888 · 29/10/2022 11:31

I’m not being rude if I had a penis I doubt I’d be able to get it up if it was around a vagina that hadn’t been cleaned 🤮

I thought this too…. Sorry op

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/10/2022 11:33

I'd reconsider TTC. Don't produce offspring in this doomed relationship, please.

KitchenSupper · 29/10/2022 11:33

If you’re already showering daily and after exercise I would guess that he prefers to make you feel bad so that he doesn’t have to accept his impotence.

StripeyDeckchair · 29/10/2022 11:34

A wash is not unreasonable providing he is washing too.

I'm assuming you don't routinely go around looking like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards so surely your hair looks OK most if the time? First thing everyone with hair has bed hair so that doesn't count.

The shaved issue is personal to you. No one is ever going to persuade me its a good idea - its too porn influenced & I distrust men who "insist" on shaved women, too paedophile like; only children don't have public hair.

What is your partner doing to make himself more attractive to you?
Anyone who gave me a list like that would give me the ick.

Realityloom · 29/10/2022 11:34

If he is struggling to get it up surely that's an issue, if you are worn out already don't try for a baby.

It is hard work OP. Maintaining hygiene regardless of sex is a necessity surely?

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 11:34

The wash is fair enough.
The pubic hair one I’d ignore.
The other two I’m assuming would make sex better for him. I think I’d be curious and try them out and compare if it is actually better sex for you too.
Does he comments negatively about your appearance generally?

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:34

Honestly guys thanks this is all helpful, the wash thing I have washes two times a day so I'm generally a clean person but what he means here is if we have daytime sex he would want genitals cleaned directly before or if we had Morning sex he wants a wash first which I find ridiculous because it kinda squashes the mood but I could be wrong?

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 29/10/2022 11:34

I'm another one who'd like to know what he's doing to make himself more attractive to you.

If you are a couple who historically make a fair bit of effort to look good and that's now changed for you and you cba, then I think that's more of a problem than if you are both easy going, natural types and he's now asking you to do what you've never done before.

Personally, I think being clean should go without saying. As for the rest, it really does depend on what you dynamic is as a couple.
I do think it's very easy to slip into joggers and no effort, especially when working or are stressed from ttc or just from life in general and there are times when both parties need to make a bit of an effort for each other and remember why they were attracted to each other in the first place!

mileaminnie · 29/10/2022 11:35

The fact that he actually brought up the fact that you need to wash is just mind boggling.
If my husband told me that I would assume I stink !!
How can you be okay with that?! Cba to WASH?!

RewildingAmbridge · 29/10/2022 11:35

Has he been watching a lot of porn? He can't get it up if you're not wearing makeup, hair done, pubes shaved.....
Washing is a fair request if you don't already, if you do he's just using it as a cruel excuse to pin his impotence on you

ForwardRolls · 29/10/2022 11:36

A wash yes, that's standard.
The rest of it would have me telling him where to go.

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 11:36

OP I read your update re washing, I think he’s being ridiculous.

Pootle40 · 29/10/2022 11:36

Maybe it's a generation thing but I've always showered in the morning and when I was younger sex was at any time of the day so potentially close to the time I had the shower or sex in the shower etc. After I became a parent sex does tend to be evenings and we don't clean our bits again beforehand. But then I am also of the generation that didn't completely remove pubes so maybe washing your fanny and removing all spontaneity is a thing now Confused

Bigyellowuber · 29/10/2022 11:37

Sounds like he might have ed and is blaming it on you.

Smilelesstalkmore · 29/10/2022 11:37

If DH and I were starting to get it on and he said, 'go and wash your minge will ya' it would be a bit of a mood killer!

As long as you are washing regularly there is surely no need to go and wash your vulva immediately before sex is on the cards.

Is this a thing?!

NEmama · 29/10/2022 11:37

Have a shower you mucky sod!
Being clean is a minimum. Also brushes teeth.

CraneBoysMysteries · 29/10/2022 11:37

We've sort of had a similar conversation OP. I do enjoy putting on a bit of make up and doing my hair before sex but that mostly is for me as it helps my self esteem.

I've asked DH to have a quick wash and trim downstairs if he wants oral sex (which I also enjoy) as there's nothing worse than sweaty balls!

I think a wash beforehand is a courtesy and the rest is really up to you!

RewildingAmbridge · 29/10/2022 11:37

Xpost you wash/shower twice a day. He's being a dick. Has the impotence started since you started trying for a baby? Maybe he doesn't want one

Maze76 · 29/10/2022 11:37

Like others have said, being clean is a must, however if he’s demanding you shower every time beforehand, then ask him to do the same or join you in the shower.

TTC is a lot of pressure on both of you and if you’re scheduling sex, it becomes less about feeling and more function.

Curiosity101 · 29/10/2022 11:38

we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered

I think you need to have an open conversation with him. If his issues have only just started, then perhaps he feels similar to you? Maybe he doesn't know how to express it.

CruCru · 29/10/2022 11:38

So you already wash twice a day? Yeah, you shouldn’t need any more.

Realistically, you not wearing make up or tidying your hair shouldn’t stop him from getting an erection.

butterfliedtwo · 29/10/2022 11:38

I always shower before sex and automatically brush hair and teeth. I'd expect the same from a partner. The rest is not something that I'd accommodate.

But in general I'd struggle to be excited about a partner making little effort.

Daisychainsx · 29/10/2022 11:38

The make up is ridiculous. The rest i think is fair! Sex is physical and based somewhat on physical attraction. If my DH hadn't washed I wouldn't even let him in the bed nevermind anything else 😐
Maybe you'll feel better about yourself if you do these things. The 'can't be arsed' sounds a bit like you've given up and maybe need a wee boost! It's nice to feel attractive (and clean!)

RoomOfRequirement · 29/10/2022 11:39

I have never in my life washed specifically before sex. Am I in an alternate reality? Does everyone who said it's gross not to never have spontaneous sex? Do you have to run to the bathroom with a flannel when you get in the mood?!

If you haven't been showering regularly, then sure - but that's a whole other set of problems. For a regular woman who has good personal hygiene? You ACTUALLY go wash before sex? I don't believe it.

WahineToa · 29/10/2022 11:39

Washing immediately before sex? No. Obviously regular showers for any reason! Not even sex, just life! But shaving and washing before is ridiculous. Does he watch porn? Is he clean? Shaven? What a dick.