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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hobby..

194 replies

Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 10:37

So I'm a sahm to 4 kids 7 & under.. my husbworks longish hours. He pulls his weight at home, I do main bits as expected cause I'm home more. I'd say I seem to do family days alone 60% of the time..

So here's my aibu:
My husband started a hobby about 8 months ago.. no problem.. but he wants to do it every week! Which I think is unreasonable.. he's now having a brat fit that he can't be good if he only goes once a month.. which is bullshit.
Its a whole day activity. If the kids weren't soo young it wouldn't be so bad but I just think it's a lot right now if I'm honest.. it means me carting the younger two around try to get the older two to party's, do homework with them.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 29/10/2022 10:40

Cycling or golf!
He needs to suck it up, yes it's nice to have a hobby, we all need down time etc but it can't be at the expense of your down time and well being and all family time.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 29/10/2022 10:44

So he'd rather spend time with his hobby than with his family?

FuckabethFuckor · 29/10/2022 10:48

I’d be okay with this PROVIDED there was also one day a week where he had the kids alone the whole day and you got to go and do something you’re into.

StopFeckingFaffing · 29/10/2022 10:50

When you have a young family then I don't think hobbies which require a full day every weekend are compatible with family life unless both parents are passionate about the hobby and both 100% commited to making it the focus of most weekends

There are plenty of hobbies and sports which take up much less time

Once the kids are older then fair enough but not when you have 4 under 7

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 10:50

Worse.... fishing
And thank you!
I go between Im Being selfish he works hard & is a good dad and this is a bloody joke I'm with the kids alone again and I'm isolated.. struggling to keep everyone happy on a days out with toddler tantrums and baby needing something.... then I feel bad for the older two.

Now theres a horrible atmosphere in the house because last night he got a call to go and he said he's not aloud to go.. (I'm not his mum I havent said no you can't go.. but he knows ill be pissed off if he does go) so he's now saying no point doing it anymore.

OP posts:
bluebird3 · 29/10/2022 10:54

He's utterly unreasonable unless he plans to take at least 2 of the kids with him.

Lolapusht · 29/10/2022 10:58

As soon as the DC have a day off from being children so they don’t need adult intervention, then he can have a day off from being a parent! A whole day each week is just being a completely selfish arse. The bit that would send me stratospherically irate would be the “I’m not allowed to go” 😡 Man up and own your selfish behaviour. “I asked if I could go but my wife rightly pointed out I’d be shirking my parental obligations in favour of my own personal wants but I’m not willing to accept that so I’m going to petulantly put the blame on her”

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 10:59

Has he ever looked after all 4DC and ran the house without you prepping it all?

I would suggest you both get one day off a month and it's your turn next.

KangarooKenny · 29/10/2022 11:02

If he has a day off every weekend, so do you.

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 11:03

@RandomMess yeah he's more than capable of doing it.. he could do it.. and I really don't have an issue with once a month even without me doing anything.

But once a month isn't enough apparently.. the fish chance tactics if he doesn't go often maybe 😂lol

OP posts:
SezFrankly · 29/10/2022 11:07

My OH also likes to get out and spend time with friends (most weekends). He is the SAHM and I don’t say a peep. However, I do my thing. I’ll take off with DD and have amazing trips etc

Sometimes he’ll ask “why didn’t you say, I’d have come along” well no, I’m not planning my life around his diary. I also go off on girls trips, solo - giving him plenty of notice and I have no issue with him doing the same. We both muck in and sort childcare.

So my advice is, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Tell him you’re glad he’s found something he enjoys, bc it’s opened up the possibility for you to have hobbies and interests again and it’s fantastic to know that you have his support.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/10/2022 11:07

Nope not on.

Id let him know how upset I was that he was willing to be so selfish. One day a month for him plus one day a month for you.

You work hard too and are equally deserving off time off. And your DC are equally deserving of family time plus time doing their own activities and spending time one kn one with their parents.

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 11:07

He's more than capable but does he actually have them solo for a full day whilst you swan off out the door monthly?

HouseofGods · 29/10/2022 11:07

Is there no way to compromise? I couldn't cope without time each week to do my hobby and DH is the same. Neither of ours require a full day at a time though but we have an hour or so each day, even if it means I go to the 6am class before work.

Appreciate I don't know enough about fishing to know how long it needs but could he even do a Saturday 8 - 1? That would leave the whole afternoon and Sunday.

Snugglemonkey · 29/10/2022 11:13

FuckabethFuckor · 29/10/2022 10:48

I’d be okay with this PROVIDED there was also one day a week where he had the kids alone the whole day and you got to go and do something you’re into.

Also if you had a day one day a week for family time. Every family needs to balance off family life with time alone. He shouldn't hog it all.

Lemonlady22 · 29/10/2022 11:15

My husband did hobby’s when our kids were younger, fishing, golf, flying model airplanes, car racing, he was crap at them all, he was an even crappier dad. My adult children remember this and really can’t be bothered with him now, even when he tries to be an on hands grandad now. They remember a tired, over stretched mum who worked night shifts, who was always there for them. Kids remember !

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 11:16

@SezFrankly one child one a day out is lovely.. 4 children is hard work.
WE decided to have 4 children together & I do everything to make sure thd older two ( who aren't old) get the same amount of attention every day and on days out for that to happen safely he needs to come moree

E.g we go soft play I can't join in with the older two.
We go farm I have a big double pushchair and it's difficult navigating.

They always have a great time but it's just hard for me.. when it doesn't need to be cause he could come.

OP posts:
bigblueyonder · 29/10/2022 11:19

Yes I can understand the argument that if the hobby requires 'skills' and/or fitness to be built up to acquire a certain standard (think golf, surfing, cycling etc) or competence once a month won't cut it. It has to be once a week at least to begin with. I am not sure if fishing comes into this category.

What needs to be questioned is whether now is the right time to take on this commitment or to wait until the kids are a bit older.

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 11:21

@HouseofGods it seems to be matches (what ever the hell that is) he's gone from 7am till 5 then he needs a shower and blah blah.. which us the busiest time in our house... everyone's getting grumpy I'm cooking dinner.. pj's on. Babys are in bed by 7, older by 8.

And he spends the evening before sorting his fishing stuff which takes another 2/3 hours

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 29/10/2022 11:23

Fishing? Urgh! Even worse.

However, he could do Saturday mornings, come home and you could take off for your own time then Sundays be family days.

A whole day every week to fish leaving you to juggle everything whilst he sits on his arse is really not OK.

HouseofGods · 29/10/2022 11:30

@Angrywife123 that sounds really shit then. Who knew fishing could require 7 - 5?! That's on him though, if he really just wanted to keep practicing I'm sure he'd find a way to squeeze it in to 7 - 12/1 and a very quick shower, so it does seem more like he's trying to get an easy life rather than enjoy a hobby.

When he chose to have 4 kids he must have known that means a lot less free time than folk with 1/2 kids let alone any friends that are child free

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 11:34

@HouseofGods you'd think so.. but that's before he turned into a 60 year old man over night that found his love for fishing lol

OP posts:
tartytowers · 29/10/2022 11:43

I sympathise, OP

My kids are teens now but I've just about had enough of DH's constant hobbies. None of them ever seem to take just an hour or two, it's always an all day thing, with additional pub trips, and then a long bath when he gets home, then declaring how exhausted he is, and going to bed at 9pm because he's so tired from his day of hobbying. From the day we had our first child he seemed to think he could just carry on doing his hobbies as normal. If he occasionally misses doing one of his hobbies for family reasons he's in a foul mood all day.

He's on a very thin line at the moment with me

ForwardRolls · 29/10/2022 11:47

He works all week to provide for you and the kids.
He deserves a day to do his own thing.
You have plenty of time to do your own thing when he is at home if you choose to.

Asher33 · 29/10/2022 11:49

ForwardRolls · 29/10/2022 11:47

He works all week to provide for you and the kids.
He deserves a day to do his own thing.
You have plenty of time to do your own thing when he is at home if you choose to.

The OP also deserves a break from the children, no?