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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hobby..

194 replies

Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 10:37

So I'm a sahm to 4 kids 7 & under.. my husbworks longish hours. He pulls his weight at home, I do main bits as expected cause I'm home more. I'd say I seem to do family days alone 60% of the time..

So here's my aibu:
My husband started a hobby about 8 months ago.. no problem.. but he wants to do it every week! Which I think is unreasonable.. he's now having a brat fit that he can't be good if he only goes once a month.. which is bullshit.
Its a whole day activity. If the kids weren't soo young it wouldn't be so bad but I just think it's a lot right now if I'm honest.. it means me carting the younger two around try to get the older two to party's, do homework with them.

OP posts:
Topgub · 01/11/2022 08:51

@Golfdad

Perfect 👌

BarbaraofSeville · 01/11/2022 09:54

OP, you need to compromise. You say he can only go fishing once a month and he wants to do it every week. So he goes once a fortnight.

The other week he looks after DC while you go out and do whatever you like for the whole day, so it's fair. How about taking up fishing? Wink. You might want to wait until the weather is better, but it's the perfect hobby for tired, harassed mothers as it involves sitting and doing nothing for hours on end in a peaceful location and you can take along wine, snacks, a book, or just have a snooze. You don't even need to catch any fish, you can just sit and relax on the riverbank and watch the world going by.

TenoringBehind · 03/11/2022 06:24

I think the best compromise is alternate weeks and you go and you get a proper day off from the children and household chores the other weeks.

TenoringBehind · 03/11/2022 06:27

I do think it’s good for people to have hobbies though, but they have to be balanced with the dull commitments of life, particularly when children are young.

my dh has no hobbies at all and I really wish he did. It would do him good to go out and meet other people, particularly now he wfh all the time.

MsCactus · 03/11/2022 07:04

This is absolutely the right response - just keep saying this again and again. If he gets all day Saturday for his hobby, you get all day on Sunday. Fair is fair - you're not saying he can't go, it's now his choice.

I'd also add that for a hobby I'd recommend cycling with friends - it's so much fun! If you're looking to take up something new for your day a week ;)

Equally if he scales it back to once a month, you should still also get a free weekend day a month where he does all the childcare. That's totally fair for both of you

Bunnynames101 · 03/11/2022 07:14

I vote for once a fortnight. And on the alternating weeks when he's not fishing you leave him with the kids and go do an all day hobby and have some time for you. Leaves one full day every weekend for family time, plus evenings.

Sunshine275 · 03/11/2022 07:43

My situation is similar, husband works and earns good money, this gives me the option to just work part time and now my 3 year old is in funded childcare I have a day to myself, he then plays sports on either a Saturday or Sunday every week. He works hard, he deserves this time and it does him and is the world a part. This then leaves us with a day together as a family. He would never object to me doing anything if I want to, though for him I’m a bit of a home bird.

In otherwords yes I think you’re being unreasonable. He pulls his weight, works hard, he’s allowed some downtime. You’ll get yours in time.

Summerfun54321 · 03/11/2022 07:51

Women need to sign pre-nups agreeing equal time off for hobbies so these stupid conversations don’t start in the first place.

MsCactus · 03/11/2022 07:54

Summerfun54321 · 03/11/2022 07:51

Women need to sign pre-nups agreeing equal time off for hobbies so these stupid conversations don’t start in the first place.

100% agree.

Me and my husband split childcare and working equally (both high earners, both took six months parental leave each) so we see childcare and work as equals. Always mad to me that when there's just one partner working outside the home and they think the one doing childcare doesn't need equal 'time off' for hobbies as them 🙄

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 03/11/2022 08:00

Lolapusht · 29/10/2022 10:58

As soon as the DC have a day off from being children so they don’t need adult intervention, then he can have a day off from being a parent! A whole day each week is just being a completely selfish arse. The bit that would send me stratospherically irate would be the “I’m not allowed to go” 😡 Man up and own your selfish behaviour. “I asked if I could go but my wife rightly pointed out I’d be shirking my parental obligations in favour of my own personal wants but I’m not willing to accept that so I’m going to petulantly put the blame on her”

Spot on. He's trying to guilt you into it with all that I'm not allowed to go BS. Unless you're far from any decent lakes/rivers/the coast it doesn't need to be a full day activity. Dawn can be a great time to fish, he could go get a couple hours in the be back for lunch and family time. He could alternatively take the older 2, my Dad took all 3 of us fishing regularly.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 03/11/2022 08:07

Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 12:09

Update!! So he's still in a mood.. so I said OK if you want to go once a week then I get the same amount of me time!! I'll go out and do what I want one day a week.. I was told I was being spiteful and it was shot down straight away... he knows me doing something would mean drinks/dinners/places where there could be men! :o

Well he's a delight. He could fish every weekend in a family friendly way, he could swap days and time off, but no it's his way or a tantrum and to top it off he has 'trust issues' code for I want to control you.

toomuchlaundry · 03/11/2022 08:14

Do you ever go anywhere on your own @Angrywife123 (and I don’t mean the weekly shop).

Do you have a social life? What would he say if you took up an evening class (particularly if it was something that wasn’t predominantly female group)

Harry12345 · 03/11/2022 09:11

omg no one is saying it’s not good to have a hobby when you are a parent. What isn’t good is the hobby taking up a full weekend day every week! I’d be really resentful, that’s the type of hobby you start once your children are a bit older!

DangerousAlchemy · 03/11/2022 09:47

YANBU at all! Plenty of time for fishing all day when the kids are teenagers and older or when he retires! I'm a SAHP too & my hobbies were choir (in the evening, once a week, once kids were in bed/going to bed and ONLY if my DH was actually home from work on time) & exercise classes - again, in the evenings or when my 2 were at nursery/school etc. My DH used to play footy Sat afternoons AND Sunday mornings & I told him he'd have to give one up when our DD was born. And he did. He was gone all week & barely saw me or our DC anyway. It seemed only fair & he agreed. They are only small for a few short years. Tell your DH to save fishing for the occasional holiday trip (but ONLY if you also get time away on your own to make up for it!)

Alice786 · 03/11/2022 16:01

The problem is priorities. He is being selfish, weekly hobby is one thing but being gone for the the whole day is another. I think some men always think they want lots of kids until they have them and then realise how much hard work it is and then want to get away from it all. I think rather then telling him he shouldn't go you need to plead to his better nature that you both need to make some sacrifices for a few year's until the children are a bit older and it will get easier. Tell him if he loves you and the children then please do this hobby not as often for now and that you would really appreciate his sacrifice for the family.

deeperthanallroses · 04/11/2022 03:44

Hmm I think you need a job asap, one that involves leaving the house and seeing people including men, because him not liking that is a really bad sign.

thelonghaul · 04/11/2022 12:37

"No point doing it anymore"?
OK then, don't.
Or go once a month.
His choice.

GrizzlyHair80 · 04/11/2022 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

micedontpaint · 04/11/2022 14:41

It's about compromise. You're a family. how to spend free time outside both your works (his career/your wife and mothering) needs to be agreed by both, that's the deal with being in a family.

LolaSmiles · 04/11/2022 14:43

If you try to control him you’ll lose him.Guaranteed.

The people on this board don’t care about that, they just want to project a tough persona. Don’t listen to them.

Have you actually read the full thread?

Man wants to opt out of family life.
Man gets in a mood when this is questioned.
Man says he doesn't like the idea of his wife going out.
Man has ongoing control issues.
Man says that his partner going out on her own and having a life outside the family house is 'spiteful'.

It would probably be a good thing for the OP to lose him.

GrizzlyHair80 · 04/11/2022 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bestcatmum · 04/11/2022 14:52

FISHING!!!! Good grief. The only reason people go fishing is to get away from everything because its quiet and peaceful. He clearly does not enjoy his noisy home and just wants to get away from it all and have so.e peace.
My aunt had 4 kids very close together and I have to say the row in her house when they were small was awful.

willieversleep · 04/11/2022 22:36

@Sunshine275 and when is the OP's time? Why does she have to wait an arbitrary period of time?

LolaSmiles · 05/11/2022 07:34

Yes I’ve read it. Controlling behaviour can go both ways.

A woman is stuck in the house whilst a man opts out of family life.
A woman is subjected to a man throwing a tantrum when she points out something needs to change.
A woman is called spiteful for saying she should also have time out of the house.
Man doesn't like his wife going out.

But the controlling behaviour goes both ways?

The man having a hobby isn't the issue.
Plenty of men have hobbies without opting out of family life and trying to keep their wives in the house.

PrincessNutella · 05/11/2022 07:39

Once a month is plenty. Generous. Or once every two months. if it is fishing, he can take two of the kids as well.