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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hobby..

194 replies

Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 10:37

So I'm a sahm to 4 kids 7 & under.. my husbworks longish hours. He pulls his weight at home, I do main bits as expected cause I'm home more. I'd say I seem to do family days alone 60% of the time..

So here's my aibu:
My husband started a hobby about 8 months ago.. no problem.. but he wants to do it every week! Which I think is unreasonable.. he's now having a brat fit that he can't be good if he only goes once a month.. which is bullshit.
Its a whole day activity. If the kids weren't soo young it wouldn't be so bad but I just think it's a lot right now if I'm honest.. it means me carting the younger two around try to get the older two to party's, do homework with them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2022 12:29

Sounds like he was keen to have lots of DC so you would be trapped at home 24/7!

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 12:34

@Wideawakeandconfused I'm not making excuses for him apparently that's the rules of the lake. I brought my son a rod for his birthday so he could go on little trips with him.. but he took him once for an hour and that was the end of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 12:37

@RandomMess I think your right! I used to work full time in a job I loved.. but it was mainly male customers (mostly old men) & he hated it and I ended up giving it up.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 30/10/2022 12:40

Update!! So he's still in a mood.. so I said OK if you want to go once a week then I get the same amount of me time!! I'll go out and do what I want one day a week.. I was told I was being spiteful and it was shot down straight away... he knows me doing something would mean drinks/dinners/places where there could be men! :o
I'm a fan of everyone having hobbies but this is a huge red flag.

Man with trust issues gets to have 4 children, keep his wife at home and busy, wants to check out for a day a week, then gets moody when she says that both of them should get equal time away from the house and children.

He's telling you exactly what he thinks you should be doing.

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 12:43

@LolaSmiles yup looks that way.. I've been wrapped up with the kids keeping everyone happy I've not been bothered about doing anything but now I've been told I can't do something im angry! I'm a grown fuckin women no one is telling me what to bloody do!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 30/10/2022 12:48

all the best op, I must admit I'm not fussed with fishing but I can understand the time and putting the practices in,

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 12:53

Oh yes he wants you back in your little obedient wife box

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 13:01

@RandomMess oh yes.. he knows I've never been the obedient little wife and he knows to pull his weight and I won't just roll over and die but he also knows I can't be arsed to get done up and going out but if I'm told I can't do something it's another matter. Lol

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 30/10/2022 13:09

He actually sounds quite controlling.

Original poster
Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 13:15

@tickticksnooze problem is we muddle along nicely, he does bed time with the youngest kids (mainly cause it just involves sitting on a bedroom floor with the 2 year old on his phone) he takes the kids to one of the longggg clubs in the week, he'll cook a few times a week, cleans up, he works hard, he's good with the kids (bit lazy but not awful) spoils me.. but has massive trust issues which don't affect our lives unless something like this comes up.. which just highlights it all.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 30/10/2022 13:18

FuckabethFuckor · 29/10/2022 10:48

I’d be okay with this PROVIDED there was also one day a week where he had the kids alone the whole day and you got to go and do something you’re into.

This right here. It's a two way street and you also need days where you have a break or at least him there parenting with you.

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2022 13:30

yup looks that way.. I've been wrapped up with the kids keeping everyone happy I've not been bothered about doing anything but now I've been told I can't do something im angry! I'm a grown fuckin women no one is telling me what to bloody do!
Men like this are happy to plod along as long as it's on their terms. You have every right to be annoyed.

Now he's shown you who he is and how he perceives your role, it might be time to take stock about how you want to move forward with this situation.

You're worth more than feeling confined to domestic duties to appease a man's hangups

J0CASTA · 30/10/2022 13:39

Angrywife123 · 30/10/2022 12:24

@tickticksnooze he's always had trust issues.. God knows why I've never cheated or done anything to make him think I would.. he's just a selfish nob. So options

A. Let him go fishing, fuck him and leave him when I'm in a position too. Take his money and have a lovely/struggle day out with the kids.

B. Tell him he can't go fuckin fishing cause its not fair and have him around all the time with a face like a slapped arse..

Because obviously hes being nice and doing things to get his way. Absolute prick

Option C Go out and leave him with the kids.

girlmom21 · 30/10/2022 13:52

Can you compromise and he goes night fishing?

GinandTonic1975 · 31/10/2022 15:41

My DH goes fishing honestly feel like it's taking over our lives at times. He will go from Friday till Sunday maybe once a month and does try to go a bit more if he can but I kick off about it. He will take DD sometimes she's 10 and likes camping out with him. I've been a couple times but only in the summer! He used to go to football also which he's stopped that was all day. I agree with other posters mens hobbies always seem to take up so much time!!

Golfdad · 31/10/2022 16:08

I am a very keen golfer, was before the kids, and still am now. It gets a lot of bad press on here. I discussed it with my wife before our babies arrived and we agreed that the weekly 7 hour day would have to change. I used to arrive at least an hour and a half before, bacon sandwich, coffee, gossip, good warm up, plus a few pints afterwards. Now I turn up 10-15 minutes before and leave more or less as soon as I'm finished (alright, might have one beer if we're doing ok for time!) and I try to play either first thing, or afternoon, so i have all morning, or all afternoon free. It's not ideal, but it means its a half day activity.

I would never give it up for all the tea and china. But my wife wouldn't want me to because its a big part of me. Doing a hobby that you love only once a month is pretty miserable, and yes, I would get worse, and yes, I would grow to resent the position i'd be in. The difference here is that this chap seems to take all day, and some with all the prep and exhaustion etc.

I don't know much about fishing, but surely he could get home a bit earlier and make his prep a bit quicker? He also needs to make sure OP gets her chance for hobbies and relaxation, which doesn't sound like its really happening.

Topgub · 31/10/2022 16:24

@Golfdad

As long as your wife also gets a weekly half day/day entirely to herself

Topgub · 31/10/2022 16:25

@Golfdad

As long as your wife also gets a weekly half day/day entirely to herself

Golfdad · 31/10/2022 16:31

Topgub · 31/10/2022 16:24

@Golfdad

As long as your wife also gets a weekly half day/day entirely to herself

Oh absolutely. It wouldn't be very fair if she didn't. As some people have said here, women's hobbies seem to take less time (emphasis on 'tend'' others may well be different) but I encourage her to see friends, go for a swim and so on. Outside interests are really important in my mind. Doing it in a considerate and equitable way is also important.

Topgub · 31/10/2022 17:02

@Golfdad

How magnanimous of you.

emptythelitterbox · 31/10/2022 17:55

That's sad he can't just do regular fishing. Kids usually love it.

My parents were avid fisher people and some of my fondest memories were out with him fishing.

bewarethetides · 31/10/2022 18:00

ForwardRolls · 29/10/2022 11:47

He works all week to provide for you and the kids.
He deserves a day to do his own thing.
You have plenty of time to do your own thing when he is at home if you choose to.

Bullshit.

If OP went back to work and worked full time, someone would still have to be looking after the kids on the weekends. As it is, she's doing the full time childcare during the week, which is hard work.

Both parents need to do their fair share of evenings and weekends.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 31/10/2022 18:18

My wife has a hobby that takes her off for a week at a stretch, every couple of months.

Me and the kids have a lovely time. We stack the dishwasher however we want. We use loads of towels. We leave socks on the stairs. We don’t put the ketchup in the fridge.

It’s fantastic.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2022 18:28

You wait till he wants to go away for a week fishing somewhere -probably abroad!

I think the issue is him being away from his family so much

Golfdad · 01/11/2022 08:50

Topgub · 31/10/2022 17:02

@Golfdad

How magnanimous of you.

We're nice like that to each other. We both do our best by our family. Work hard, share parenting, and both need time away.

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