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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hobby..

194 replies

Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 10:37

So I'm a sahm to 4 kids 7 & under.. my husbworks longish hours. He pulls his weight at home, I do main bits as expected cause I'm home more. I'd say I seem to do family days alone 60% of the time..

So here's my aibu:
My husband started a hobby about 8 months ago.. no problem.. but he wants to do it every week! Which I think is unreasonable.. he's now having a brat fit that he can't be good if he only goes once a month.. which is bullshit.
Its a whole day activity. If the kids weren't soo young it wouldn't be so bad but I just think it's a lot right now if I'm honest.. it means me carting the younger two around try to get the older two to party's, do homework with them.

OP posts:
J0CASTA · 29/10/2022 13:15

Sit down with a piece of paper/ diary / app and plan out the month ahead.

Equal child free time to you both for hobbies.

If fishing takes up the night before then out of the house for 12 hours then A whole evening to recover - add that all up. Thats how long you get for your Hobby.

Make sure you get your child free time first.

Plan in some family time too.

Agree what the rules are for your child free time. Does the parent in charge of the kids have to cook, tidy the house or entertain the kids while they have them, for example? If you don't do this, he wont feed the kids when you were out (because you didn’t buy food or prepare a meal) or clear up the house ( because your didn't tell him to ).

Be prepared that your attempts at fairness will probably not be well received.

“ When you are accustomed to privilege , equality feels like oppression “

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2022 13:19

Angrywife123 · 29/10/2022 13:03

@LuckySantangelo35 you obviously really enjoy your hobby and done it prekids also or you had less kids to fit around your life.. my husband decided he wanted this life with children.. this amount of children knowing the work that would go into it then decided to take up this hobby that takes up basically a day of his time everytime & quite costly doing it the amount he wants to do it. And like someone else said it takes up the second day of the weekend too cause he's tired after and the evening before while he sets it all up.. once a week is a lot.

@Angrywife123

you should still get time to yourself no matter how many kids you’ve chosen to have

your husband should facilitate you getting your own time and vice versa

i would maintain my running / gym if I had 1 kid or 6 kids. Cos it important to me.

theworldhas · 29/10/2022 13:23

Well if he gets one day off a week with zero work you get one day off a week with zero work. Not sure what else needs to be said.

deeperthanallroses · 29/10/2022 13:26

I would absolutely be out the door at 6am next weekend, leave the schedule so he can’t ‘forget’ anything and back after dinner and when I come back ask him if it’s really fair to ask you to do that every weekend if so then he can also do it every weekend.

cushionfiend · 29/10/2022 13:29

@J0CASTA I absolutely agree, this is a fair and sensible way to look at this - but just wait and see how any woman doing this will be labelled controlling, probably both by her partner and by other posters on MN. Especially in this case, where the partner has already put the OP in the position of 'if you don't let me do what I want, I'll flounce off and say there's no point in doing it al all'.

ilovesooty · 29/10/2022 13:32

theworldhas · 29/10/2022 13:23

Well if he gets one day off a week with zero work you get one day off a week with zero work. Not sure what else needs to be said.

Yes but apparently that means no family time... 🙄

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/10/2022 13:47

Exactly as you say in one of the updates, you chose together to have 4 kids. What did he think it would be like? That it wouldn’t change his life at all?

The time when everyone is off work needs to be divided into thirds - a third his free time, a third yours and a third family time. That’s fair. Or smaller amounts of individual free time (half family time, a quarter your time, a quarter his) would also work. So on the second working, you’d each have two full days in four weeks for free time, and four days as a family .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/10/2022 13:48

Its not surprising he’s discovered a love of sitting in peace and quiet (ie fishing) now he’s got 4 kids! But it’s tough.

tartytowers · 29/10/2022 13:59

I know lots of you are saying to the OP to take the other weekend for herself but it's really not as easy as that when you have a DH that prioritises himself and his hobbies. I occasionally did this on a Sunday when my kids were little and DH had been out from dawn til late on the Saturday. I'd get back on the Sunday evening and the kids would still be in their nightwear, and totally zombified from watching tv and screens all day. The house would be trashed, no laundry or tidying would have been done and they'd been stuffed with sweets and junk all day. So he could do as he pleased!

This in turn then made things harder for me and also I actually wanted to do things as a family not it to just be a case of dad fucks of on a Saturday and mum on a Sunday. I think it's nice to do things as a family

Topgub · 29/10/2022 14:03

@tartytowers

So why did you stay in a relationship with someone who didn't want a family?

LemonDrizzles · 29/10/2022 14:21

My dh hobby is fishing. He goes 4 times a year- but it depends what he is fishing. Older ones can go with him, if they can stay relatively calm for long periods. Yesterday my older one went fishing with dh. He is 6.

Every week is too much

tartytowers · 29/10/2022 15:07

Topgub · 29/10/2022 14:03

@tartytowers

So why did you stay in a relationship with someone who didn't want a family?

I thought it would be best for the kids. I realise now it isn't/wasn't

Lemonlady22 · 29/10/2022 15:42

It’s hard when you are living it because you are doing the best for your kids, but the man in this set up only thinks of himself and only ever will, it’s takes a strong woman to walk away because ultimately you are setting yourself up for having the kids on your own forever because this type of man then thinks he has free time all the time and doesn’t want the kids eow or even for a couple of hours occasionally. It’s crap either way

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 15:50

If he gets one day, and OP gets one day, and 5 days are work, do they just never see each other? Never spend time as a 6?

No, right. Because he is assuming she will make sure that doesn't happen.

I'd be calling his bluff. Spend a couple of months doing exactly that. Take yourself off for two hours of an evening, then the whole next day, once a week. He can fish the other day. If he likes it TBH you probably need to reconsider the whole relationship.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 15:59

If he gets one day, and OP gets one day, and 5 days are work, do they just never see each other? Never spend time as a 6?

Perhaps they can find childcare for Saturday and then they can both have the same day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 16:03

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 15:59

If he gets one day, and OP gets one day, and 5 days are work, do they just never see each other? Never spend time as a 6?

Perhaps they can find childcare for Saturday and then they can both have the same day.

10 hours of childcare doesn't come cheap. And I have to say a very good chunk of people would judge a family of 6 for putting their kids in childcare on a weekend day so they could be childless.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 16:04

Actually 12 hours because he gets the evening before. 12 hours for 4 children.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 16:19

And I have to say a very good chunk of people would judge a family of 6 for putting their kids in childcare on a weekend day so they could be childless.

I'd judge parents (like her OH) who want to spend the weekend without their children. I can get the occasional break or nights out but if you don't want to be with them why have them. It was sad when she said that she'd bought the son a rod but that didn't help.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 16:23

I agree @BigFatLiar which is why I think he shouldn't do it and why childcare isn't the answer.

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 16:31

YANBU to object to a whole day every weekend. He needs to scale back to reflect family life and to give you time to yourself as well.

However this:

it's not about me doing my own thing... I'm happy spending time with the kids. I choose to have kids when I did and I knew what it'd take to have another and so did he.

is unreasonable.

Just because you're happy spending all the time with the children and not having time away for your own hobbies or downtime doesn't mean he should only do his once a month.

There's plenty parents who have hobbies and interests beyond their children. The idea one parent should only get to do their hobby once a month because the other one thinks it's virtuous to not have a life beyond the children is unreasonable.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 16:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 16:23

I agree @BigFatLiar which is why I think he shouldn't do it and why childcare isn't the answer.

Wasn't being serious about that it's just that it seems to be a trade on mumsnet, he gets time so you get time, it's silly, you're meant to be functioning as a family. We discussed children and how we'd behave before we married. We both knew we wanted children (him maybe more than me) and that they would be our priority.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2022 16:38

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 16:31

YANBU to object to a whole day every weekend. He needs to scale back to reflect family life and to give you time to yourself as well.

However this:

it's not about me doing my own thing... I'm happy spending time with the kids. I choose to have kids when I did and I knew what it'd take to have another and so did he.

is unreasonable.

Just because you're happy spending all the time with the children and not having time away for your own hobbies or downtime doesn't mean he should only do his once a month.

There's plenty parents who have hobbies and interests beyond their children. The idea one parent should only get to do their hobby once a month because the other one thinks it's virtuous to not have a life beyond the children is unreasonable.

completely agree with this !

ladies , you don’t have to lose yourself once you become a parent!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2022 16:43

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 16:32

Wasn't being serious about that it's just that it seems to be a trade on mumsnet, he gets time so you get time, it's silly, you're meant to be functioning as a family. We discussed children and how we'd behave before we married. We both knew we wanted children (him maybe more than me) and that they would be our priority.

Show quote history

@BigFatLiar
@MrsTerryPratchett

your kids can still be your priority and you can still maintain some semblance of life for yourself with your hobbies

the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive

In real life I don’t know anyone who sacrifices all them for themself just cos they have kids

I could never be a mother if it meant being a Martyr

PuttingDownRoots · 29/10/2022 16:45

Its not about having "time off".

Its about shitting on someone else to get your time off.

A common theme on here is how its rude to take siblings to parties for example. But one parent opting out of parenting is fine. Or last week it was how you should go to every football match. Which means someone to watch the others.

One day a month off each is a good compromise. Or an evening a week.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 16:48

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2022 16:43

@BigFatLiar
@MrsTerryPratchett

your kids can still be your priority and you can still maintain some semblance of life for yourself with your hobbies

the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive

In real life I don’t know anyone who sacrifices all them for themself just cos they have kids

I could never be a mother if it meant being a Martyr

Show quote history

We had lots of hobbies like I've already mentioned, we just included the girls with them. We tended not to do things that excluded them, there'd be lots of time for anything like that as they grew.
Besides once they started growing they had their own things to do and we seemed to spend a lot of time running them around to clubs and activities. We were busier with the kids than we were at work sometimes.