Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

1st of all try and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. Depending on or feeding method the baby won't be able to be away from you for that long so any sleep overs are unreasonable to start of. I do believe that every child should see their dad as long as its safe to do so. Do you know if that have any baby stuff set up etc or is it just a pipe dream for them? In regards to the birth you do what feels right for you. If you are not comfortable with him in the room don't let him, let him meet her afterwards etc. Also another option is he can see dB at your home for a few hours each day / when is best to start off with as she needs to bond with you also. These hours will give you breathing time and chance to get jobs done but you know who she is with and where

I do think your judgement is being clouded but also its inappropriate for the girlfriend to be contacting you in this way. I also think overnights with a small baby isn't in the child's best interests and I would be surprised if a court would encourage it if you are breastfeeding at least until the baby is a bit older and can be away from you for such a long period.

Personally if it were me I would be saying that I would not stop contact however that it will not be overnights until baby is weaning at least and I will be breastfeeding. I would also make clear that I want to be amicable however all parenting conversations are to be between me and ex not the girlfriend as she is not one of the parents and does not have parental responsibility for my child. In terms of the birth I would not stop dad from coming but would say that I did not want him as my birthing partner, and would be having my mum instead pr a close friend. Dad cannot be in with me until the very end and only.if the hospital allows an extra person in at that point as it wouldn't make me feel comfortable and actually giving birth is a very vulnerable time where you're in lots of pain needing comfort and need to be calm for baby therefore it isnt in baby's best interests for dad to be there rather than someone I feel comfortable with

I would at this point say to ex i will be in touch after the birth.

Ignore contact from g/friend. It is nothing to do with her.

Contact advice is little and often.

I would initially offer for hin to see Dd at yours . Nothing to do with g,friend.

Too much drama leave them to the rest.

The birth - this is a medical procedure and you are the patient. If you say no the hospital will not allow him in. Any court will support the hospital

Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the child. Little and often is recommended for babies eg 2 hours at a time, 4 times a week.

Overnights are generally not considered until baby is 2.

Tell him no. Put everything in writing Frame everything in terms of what is best for baby. So “ It is in baby’s best interest to have contact with you regularly for short periods. I suggest 4-5 times a week for 2 hours. Can you let me know what times and days would be suitable for you”.

Then claim cms and give baby your surname. I predict that by the time baby is one he will be an absentee father anyway.

This is good advice.

Make sure you're doing it in writing and without any emotion. If it comes to court, you'll have a record of reasonable participation.

2 hours x 4 times a week at your house is very reasonable. If he doesn't do it (and like a PP, I suspect he won't), then that's on him.

Ditto to claiming cms and giving the baby your surname.

Well, he's a complete dickhead isn't he and I know it doesn't feel like it but you've had a lucky escape. It's better to do it alone than with a flaky wanker.
You need a plan: a birth partner (Mum, sister) don't let him be a the birth, you want it to be a positive experience you can look back on without resentment. Next bags packed, snacks etc ready to go. Boobs at the ready and try your damn hardest to breastfeed. I disagree with making it easy for him to see the baby. Why make his life easy? You need to focus on you and the baby. At the moment it's all talk so let's see how serious he is. Block his new shag, you never need to speak to her. Take comfort that the same treatment will be coming to her soon enough.
Most important, I cannot stress this enough, don't put him on the birth certificate so he won't have parental rights. Also give the baby your last name. You won't pull on his heartstrings or make him feel more by giving her his surname. School, Drs, travel are all a nightmare with a child with a different surname to you. It always made me feel judged, ashamed and embarrassed that I wasn't good enough. My kids were also bullied at school by having a different name and certain teachers love to draw peoples attention to it.

Just concentrate on getting your baby here safe and recovering. Let him do all the work to make arrangements to see the baby, it was his choice to leave after all. Ignore the girlfriend.

I hope it all goes well and you can enjoy your baby. I guarantee in future you will be glad he's gone.

Are you married to this man?

If yes, he will have parental rights. That does not mean the right to walk all over you. But it's up to you to stop that happening.

Even if married, he can't go to the hospital and attend the birth if you tell your HCPs that you don't want him there, and he can't visit you there if you refuse to let him, or show up at your home afterwards demanding to see the baby. The hospital will cooperate with you. Make sure you have friends with you when you get home to block him.

He also can't have the baby for sleepovers for a few years, regardless of parental rights. If you put up a fight then he will have to take you to court to get this established. If you are breastfeeding that will be taken into a count by a family court judge.

If you're not married, then he is fucked. He can't have his name on the birth cert or parental rights unless he petitions the court for rights amd there is no court that will allow him 'sleepovers'.

Don't let this jerk bully you into lying down and playing dead.

I am so sorry he turned out to be such a prick. I just had a baby a couple of weeks ago and have to say I really really feel you should find a different birth partner, it will mess with your head if he is there.

I agree with a PP let them know you will be in contact after the birth and spend the next few weeks concentrating on you and baby.

Don't give your baby his surname- you won't be able to change it later.

Honestly, I’d move. Change phone numbers. Don’t put his name on birth certificate. Give baby your surname. Have mum or best friend at birth. Think about whether you want cm or if you can manage alone. If you want it, set up email address for contact details and apply for cms.

It sounds like this idiot and his girlfriend want to play house. Wishing you best for a smooth and happy birth.

This.

But just to reiterate, do not let him be there for the birth. He has no right to be there when you are at your most vulnerable. He can see the baby when you are back home or a trusted friend or relative could take baby to hospital waiting room for a quick cuddle when you are good and ready.

With the short, regular visits, you are under no obligation to let the girlfriend into your home.

He's been messing about, lying and having sex with other women and you've let him walk all over you.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do bar let him have access to his child.
Whether a court orders this and sanctions other access, remains to be seen.
You will, of course, be able to claim maintenance from him for the child if he is not living with you, regardless of his having the child for some of the time. I very much doubt whether any court would allow his g/f to have the baby when he's at work.
Your emotional involvement is clouding your thinking but that's understandable in this situation.
If it was me, I'd make sure to look after my and the child's interests as a priority and not let their wants top my needs.
I wish you all the best.

I cannot stress enough that you should not put his name on baby's birth certificate. His name on the birth certificate will give him parental rights which means he will always have a say in your baby's life. He is not reliable and he is not respectful of you and by allowing his new partner to message you like this this shows just the type of father he would be. You and your baby girl will be much better without this man in your lives.
If he proves himself to be responsible and reliable once baby is here then fair enough but Do NOT give him parental rights, he will try to control your lives forever.

I expect you’re reeling, but Congratulations! and all the best for the up coming birth.

Your ex is flakey and unreliable. For your child’s sake, make him take you to court for parental responsibility but put in a CMS claim immediately (unless the money will make absolutely no difference to your child’s life). Visitation should be little and often, as others have suggested, an hour or two at your place several times a week. Just your ex. not his gf. This is time for him to bond, not for your baby to meet whoever he’s currently shacked up with (which, lets face it, if it’s a relationship of a few weeks, is what this currently is, but don’t use that language to him or in court).

For your sake, don’t let him attend the birth. Don’t talk to the gf. Tell him you’ll let him know after the baby is born and arrange for him to see her/him. Try and remind yourself of how awful he has been to you - that this is the person he is when you need him, not the nice guy who seemed so much fun before there were responsibilities looming. It will take time to get over him, but there are much better men out there.

He may step up, become a great co-parent and you’ll eventually get over your love of him and move on while maintaining a civil relationship for the sake of your child. More likely he will cause lots of noise, try and duck out of all responsibility and try and pass caring on to others while doing everything he can to avoid paying maintenance.

Because of this latter possibility, you need to be wary of being too accommodating. If he shows himself willing to put in the work and constancy required of good parenting, then facilitating his relationship with your DC will be important. If he he just wants everything on his terms, it will be important to minimize the damage he can do to them and you.

Presuming you are not married to this poor excuse of a man, he has no automatic parental rights. You solely have those parental rights when you give birth. He only shares those equally with you if he's there with you when you register the baby's birth and you agree to have him named on the certificate by signing after him.

Don't do this. Register alone. Keep those rights solely.

Let him take it to court if he likes to get his name on.

Chances are he won't and it will all just be hot air. Even if he does, AND he is successful, you've bought yourself both time and energy away from his fuckwittery nonsense and his philandering ways.

Be well rid. Enjoy your baby. Both of you are worth more than him.

I disagree with those saying don't put him on the birth certificate. It's a legal document, every child has a right to their father on there, within reason.

In regards to everything else. I do agree with your surname as you aren't together and I have children with different surnames to mine. Travel and school etc are not a nightmare by the way.
Little contact and often. Offer it and if rh doesn't take it up you have tried. Claim CMS.

I agree to blocking his girlfriend, you have no need to speak to her. Also baby will be too young for overnights for a long time yet so don't worry about that.
The birth is your choice, if you don't want him there, then that's entirely up to you.
He sounds an idiot and one who gets bored quickly. I agree with the poster that vt a year he'll be an absent father.

OP, big hugs for you & wishing you the best for the birth & getting to meet your lovely new baby. There's lots if helpful advice on the thread already (perhaps starting taking notes so you can have clear actions & a script to stick to if it all gets overwhelming). Just wanted to add as it popped up on another thread recently, make sure you register for child benefit ASAP after the baby is born (everyone is entitled to it although higher rate tax payers have to pay it back on a sliding scale) and look into any other financial support before the birth if you can, there used to be a council tax 25% reduction for single occupancy of a property for example. Take care of yourself xx

You sure picked a winner there OP.

He has NO say about who you choose to have or not have at the birth.
You can be malicious and deny him the child but I'd like to think you would have your childs best interest at heart going forward and not use your baby as some kind of weapon.
I'd enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without his drama and decide what co parenting looks like once the baby is here. It should begin with a claim for child maintenance though.
You can wait until he takes it to court if you want but you both need to commit to co parenting the best way you can. For your child. The one who matters here.

At this point, I would completely ignore all contact from his new girlfriend. It's inappropriate and she isn't involved with you. It's up to the baby's father to keep channels of communication open.

As others have said, it's unlikely that a court would allow him to have the baby overnight right from being born.

Are you hoping to breastfeed? If so, that will further limit the amount of time that baby can be away from you, especially at the beginning.

Sounds like he's living in a fantasy land. I would just concentrate on looking after yourself for the rest of your pregnancy. Make sure you're set up with everything that you and the baby need. Contact can be arranged after the baby is born, and you know the lay of the land. I wouldn't get into any discussions about it right now.

Agree with this.

Move away, break contact, don't tell him when the baby is born, don't put his name on the birth certificate!!!

There is absolutely no way in hell I would have him anywhere near me while I gave birth, absolutely not. I’d rather give birth alone than have him as my birth partner.

I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating

You need to set your bar significantly higher than you are. Get out and far away as fast as you can.

I'm shocked at the amount of posters telling you not to put the fathers name on the birth certificate. This baby is born out of an 8 year relationship and although he has acted awfully by cheating and leaving, he is not a danger to the child and is an equal parent. No judge will look fondly on a mother intentionally depriving a father of parental rights in these circumstances.

Completely agree that you should keep your surname and block the girlfriend. There's no need to have contact with her at the moment and she probably won't be around for long.

Agree that you should keep arrangements in writing and frame everything around the best interests of the child. It isn't in their best interests to be removed from you overnight or for long periods of time. But you have to be reasonable with the father's access.

Block the lunatic gf.
Tell him you need peace and headspace between now and your due date - no visits, no calls, no texts.
Reassure him he will be told when you are in labour.
Don't tell him when you are in labour.
Have your baby without him being anywhere near either of you.
When you get home, decide then whether or not you want him to see the baby.
Make it crystal clear that if he is visiting his child it will be him only.
Any attempt to bring the gf to visit will result in the visiting arrangements being permanently cancelled.
Do not give your baby his name.

Other considerations like claiming CM, moving, changing numbers etc. can wait for now because you do, genuinely, need peace and headspace right now.

Good luck with the birth and enjoy your baby when she arrives surrounded by those who care for you both.

What a cunt.

Your decision but I wouldn’t be having him at the birth. Do you have anyone else that can support you?
Let him fight for contact. You owe him nothing.