Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

From what I've read on here, I think you will be letting yourself in for a world of future trouble, whether or not he's a good father, by naming him on the birth certificate. Having his name on the birth certificate means that in future, having parental responsibility, he can mess you around about your child's passports, travel, holidays, education, residence - so many things he could muck you around on if he felt like it. Without his name on the birth certificate, he can still be a good, responsible, father, paying maintenance, but you will be allowed to make the important decisions about your child's life on your own, without his having to sign off on them, when he could potentially make your life extremely awkward if he is so minded. From what I've read on here, having his name on the birth certificate in a situation like this means that he won't necessarily need to be a good co-parent and act like a proper father if he doesn't feel like it, but he can decide to really mess you around on important decisions and actually mess your life up a lot. I think you're doing this because you want to keep some sort of a link with him, which is perfectly understandable, but given what he has just done, I'm afraid that the reality will be very harsh and unlike what you would like to imagine.
This link might help you: www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
I do hope the birth goes well. Good luck to you and your baby.

You will regret putting his name on that cert. I understand you want her to know him etc but his name can be added on. Honestly as a woman who has gone through this all i can say is do not ask him to sign that register with you. He will cause you nothing but problems.

@EJLx - there you go, please listen to a woman who's been through this before you and who is speaking from bitter experience!

This!
Not putting his name on isn't about spite - be practical. Be in control.
He can still have a relationship with your child.

I honestly don't know how anyone can stand up for this man in regards to letting his name on the birth certificate and letting him have access on his terms. Especially after ops update. Granted we don't know the full story but his life choices are appalling and now OP is doing this alone which means she has to learn to be strong, she has to learn to respect her boundaries (as he isn't capable). She seems like a very gentle person from her ops and her ex knows this. He is going to use this to his advantage by walking all over her.

If he's serious about being a father then he must prove to op that the child is his priority. Whatever op allows then he must follow it. If he doesn't he can take her to court. He will have been offered x y and z from the op. The trust needs to be built here in terms of parenting.

Whilst there is no evidence that there is any sort of abuse, he clearly has no issues with the fact that his new girlfriend has messaged the op who has has known for WEEKS to say she wants to be involved in this child's life. This is not a man who has the needs of his child first.

To me this is a man who is co dependant and cannot deal with this on his own.

Has anyone even thought if op did let her baby to have 'sleepovers' with her ex and his gf...what if he decided to go out for a couple of drinks? The gf would be looking after the baby. A complete stranger who sounds very young and naive who I would put money on not having any children herself as she's completely delusional. This is absolutely not ok!

Unless you’re married, it’s not simply a case of putting his name on the birth certificate - he has to attend the registration with you.

OP, please research what parental responsibility legally means before deciding to do this, and think about whether you want him making decisions about your child’s education, healthcare, passport etc.

The birth certificate isn’t just a formality to show your family tree, it has legal implications. Find out what they are before making a decision.

I feel very strongly about the fact that he should be on the birth certificate, he is her father and I don't want her growing up without him on there, I will however be giving her my surname.

That isn't going to happen. You can not add him without his consent and you can bet he won't agree to her having your surname, you can also bet he won't agree to going on without you agreeing to his demands. He sounds like the type of person who will blackmail you to get what he wants. I know this is a tough time for you but you need to fully understand the implications and limits of the birth certificate before your baby is born. If you are still determined to have his name on there then I'd advise playing it cool and let him think you aren't bothered.

Good luck with everything

A lot of people have advised not putting his name on the birth certificate. Very very few have advised denying him access altogether.

It feels like some posters might be reading these two very different suggestions as the same thing?

These are some examples of what Parental Responsibility legally means; if a parent is named on the birth certificate they have a legal right to be consulted on things like which school your child goes to. Think very carefully about whether that would be in the best interest of your child for the next 18 years.

^^This. It is not about spite re BC.
It is about practicality. Knowing what you know now (and your latest update) you'd be a fool to invite him to register baby with you. You will need his signature for stuff (later on) and he will likely hold it over your head/refuse. Remove emotion and think.

I’m sure most parents who leave their babies with granny for a few hours, build up to that and let the baby know granny first. They don’t just leave them with a stranger which OP’s ex will be to start with

My friend had two children with a complete tosspot, he played the part of a doting dad, love bombed her. She put his name on birth certificate as well. when the second baby was just a month old he swanned off with his new squeeze (been having an affair while my friend was pregnant). Friend now had two kids with his surname, judge won't let her change then to hers.

Well I hope for you and your child's sake he does not attend the birth registration. That is literally the worse thing you can do.
Good luck because you're going to need it, for the next 18 years.

It's not spiteful to leave him off.

Its practical.

You are in a situation where he can coerce you and your daughter if you put him on, without being an active loving parent

His actions - including giving the gf your number (as she didn't randomly find it) - are highly suggestive thats he is going to play a game of pulling your strings

Him not being on the birth certificate, doesn't mean your daughter won't know who her father is.

It means it's harder for him to play silly buggers for the sake of it and stop her doing things like go on holiday with you, when you want without fuss.

If he is really committed to her, he will play ball and go through the courts. Chances are he will run for the hills and be awol except when it suits him though

Don't make a rod for your daughter unnecessarily. She will know who she is regardless.

Please listen to advice . We’ve all been there.
we aren’t suggesting your ex doesn’t have access or the chance to be a good dad. We are trying to give our experience to protect you and your baby.
i know you love him , I did it to please my ex and keep him happy I wish I hadn’t. He’s not the man you thought you loved .

I’m sorry for your situation. But please listen to the advice. Your perception is clouded by your feeling that you love this man. He is keying into this sadistically. This is an unhealthy relationship and as such not good for anyone. You are sounding as though you are in love with the idea of love. Why would you love a man who is persistently treating you and telling you that they don’t love you? Even are indifferent to you? Think of your child and the suffering you will subject them to if you are unable to respect yourself and put your child first. As people are saying on here he has lost the right to be registered as father. That doesn’t mean she will not know who he is. I’m speaking as someone who knows first hand . Your child will feel anger towards you if you don’t get a sensible perspective. I also feel worried about he and gf desire to treat your child like some sort of adopted doll. Please don’t ever leave her with them/ him he doesn’t sound safe.

Good luck.

@EJLx I hope that you'll have some support from family or close friends when you have your dd.

The way I see this is that you had a planned pregnancy with your fiance of 8 years. He's not only left you in a vulnerable position but is now introducing a perfect stranger into your baby's life. So under these circumstances no I wouldn't (a) consider having him at the birth or (b) putting him on your dd's birth cert or (c) as a small baby your dd will need to stay with you so his contact with her will be very limited

You say your dd has a right to know who her father is and details of your life together, photos etc will give her that. Also by the time your dd is 6 months old you'll have a better idea of this new gf's place in your ex's life, if they're getting married etc. It will give you breathing space to get maintenance agreed and your ex's access to her. Your ex is never going to be the hands on parent you'd intended.

What an absolute creep. No way should he be at the birth. I would allow very limited contact, without his girlfriend present.

She seems to think your baby is a doll for you all to share.

1 breastfeed
2 don't put him on the birth certificate, ensure she has your surname and he can petition to be added to the birth certificate later.

@viques Googling how to go to court and applying is hardly a huge burden for a man who wants to be a committed father. And why wouldn't he be paying maintenance during this time?

Yes indeed.

Ah I see, misinterpreted your meaning @viques - I agree.

I stand by recommending the OP breastfeeds if she can. I mean it's great for baby but it also works in her favour if the "father" starts demanding overnight access or 50:50 to avoid maintenance. Tiny babies need to be with their mothers.

Please, please take you time and don't make any rash decisions. Things can wait until you are able to think.
Imagine you get a new job, a dream job you have worked hard for, and your daughter is say 4 years old. Your new job is 50 miles away. You naturally want to move nearer to the job and settle her into a new home before she starts school. If your ex is on the birth certificate. He's hardly see your daughter in all those years but he can stop your move as he has an equal right to say where she lives. You'd have to go to court for the judge to decide if you could move.
She's 8 and you have saved hard and are going to take her on a holiday of a lifetime somewhere abroad. He can stop her going or just refuse to allow you to get a passport without a court order.
Hopefully none of this will happen... she'll see her dad regularly, he'll pay sufficient maintenance and you will co-parent amicably. Yet you do need think it through without the emotion you currently. naturally, feel.

Block both of them on everything, setup an email account for contact with him only.

Do not allow him at the birth. Do not put his name on the birth certificate and give the baby your name.

When you feel comfortable and only when you feel comfortable arrange contact, ideally this should be in a public location ie park or coffee shop etc. Bring someone with you (your mum or friend) and insist he comes alone without the partner. Keep the contact regular but short. For example 2 hours every week/ second week. Also keep a record of any missed contact or missed maintenance.

Stay strong! You can do this

And the new woman sounds a bit full on! Sounds a bit odd actually.

A bit odd?! Utterly deranged more like... what kind of person wants to play happy families with their boyfriend (of 2 weeks!) with the newborn baby of his ex, and contacts the ex about it!

Seriously OP, your ex's gf is properly deranged for wanting this. Allow her no where near the baby.