Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

If you don't want him there at the birth that is your choice. It is our most vulnerable time and we need people around us we feel happy and comfortable with. In regards to seeing the child I would definitely allow him to see baby unless he is a risk. I think that is the only unreasonable part not allowing dad to see baby. Personally I wouldn't allow sleepovers until baby is much older and if he wants sleepovers it would have to be court issued before 2 for me. If you think there's a risk in him keeping baby and not returning at appointed time apply for a residency order, stating baby lives with you, so baby can be returned immediately xx

Jesus. Lie about BF? This is deranged.

I can’t believe some of the advice on this thread but that takes the cake.

BF should be a choice a woman makes based on what works for her and baby and what’s in the baby’s best interests. Not just used to avoid the baby having contact with their father.

Yes he’s been a complete shit. The new GF getting in touch is INSANE (absolutely ignore her) but some of the advice on this thread is bonkers.

Give the baby your surname (it will make 0 difference to schools BTW) and make sure contact works for you and baby.

Please don't put your boyfriend's (ex) name anywhere on the birth certificate. I certainly would not be letting him visit your house to see your baby. You have to be an advocate for your newborn.

I would be very wary of the new girlfriend. She seems oddly weird and too insistent on having your baby for it to be anything other than very suspicious.

They won't be together long. He won't be around long.

How old is girlfriend? Any woman with any life experience whatsoever would not have sent that message to you.

I would be completely devastated in your position. I have no advice that no one else has given before, but i doubt this man will be causing issues for you for long.

OP I'm so sorry he has done this to you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Unfortunately you are in a time-critical situation and you need to very quickly put aside your heartbreak (for now) and get your practical and strategic head on. Don't allow him to take advantage of the fact he's left you reeling. You need to be the one who is in control and you need to be extremely firm because you are dealing with people who have no respect for you and no idea about appropriate and healthy boundaries. You have all of the power here. Use it.

Here is what I would do. In this order.

1. Block the girlfriend and never speak with her again. She is irrelevant.
2. Text or email the father and tell him that you don't wish to communicate further at the moment and will notify him once the baby is born. Then DO NOT respond to any further communication whatsoever. Block him until after the birth if necessary.
3. Make all practical plans relating to the birth and the immediate aftermath to make sure you have necessary support in place and do not need to contact him for anything. Do you have your mum or a sister nearby? Can they stay with you? Can you stay with them? Make sure everything is in place.
4. Breastfeed the baby if at all possible. This will give you an additional bit of armour in defending against inappropriate contact demands.
5. Once you are home from the hospital, text him to let him know that the baby has arrived and a photo and brief summary I.e. "Baby was born yesterday afternoon at X o clock weighing X lb X Oz and is healthy. I will be in touch shortly when I am sufficiently recovered from birth to discuss contact arrangements". Then do not respond to further communication and temporarily block if necessary.
6. Register the birth alone ASAP. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. The last thing you want is to give parental responsibility and all that goes along with it, to a man who has thus far proven he does not have the baby's best interests at heart. Let him prove himself and he can be added later without any drama. There's nothing stopping you from telling the child who their father is; it's not about hiding the truth or denying them knowledge of their parentage. It's a purely practical decision to prevent him from having the means to control you and your child for their entire childhood whilst being largely absent and not actually doing any parenting. He would have a say over school, medical decisions, whether they could be taken abroad. It is in your child's interests to take a cautious approach here.
7. After a few days, text or email to outline your contact offer. Frame this purely as what is best for the baby. Be concise, factual and neutral in tone. You need to imagine all your texts and emails being read out in court. "Dear Alan, As promised, I am writing in relation to contact with the baby. As it is clearly inappropriate to separate a young baby from its mother, and especially given that I am breastfeeding, all contact for the foreseeable will need to take place at my home with me present. A "little and often" approach is in the baby's best interests. I propose 2 hour visits, 3-4 times per week. Please let me know your preferred days/times for regular scheduled contact and I will do what I can to accommodate these. We can discuss contact away from me in the future at such time as it is appropriate, but I will not commit to that at this point as it will be led entirely by what is in the baby's best interests. Be aware that at the very least it will be when the baby is weaned, but possibly beyond that. I await to hear from you regarding proposed days and times for visitation. Kind regards, OP". DO NOT respond to or be drawn into a discussion about anything other than access for visitation. If he sends you a ranty email about how he wants to take the baby overnight and it's his right and blah blah blah, just very calmly reply that "as per my previous email, visitation will need to be in the baby's best interests, at my home with me present. I await to hear from you regarding days and times so that we can agree a schedule". If he persists with abusive or uncooperative emails then I'd just say "I will not respond to further communication unless you wish to discuss visitation as outlined in my email" and then stick to that. Don't respond to any nonsense. Worst case scenario, communication breaks down and he takes you to court. No court is going to grant anything wildly different from what you're offering.
8. Apply to CMS for maintenance.
9. Apply for all benefits that you are entitled to.
10. Build a support network and find groups to join, even if you don't feel like it at first. Try to leave the house every day.

My gut feeling is that when he realises he can't play happy families with his new girlfriend, and actually parenthood is about responsibility and consistency and commitment, he'll lose interest. By the baby's first birthday he'll probably be largely absent.

How old are you @EJLx You all sound really young - can you involve your mum and dad? It sounds like a soap opera

Don’t put him on the birth certificate.

It's absolutely not "deranged" or "bonkers". And it's not about denying contact, simply having more control. It's solid advice. Perhaps you haven't had much experience of the kind of pressure and demands that many fathers in situations like this place on their babies' mothers at a vulnerable time in their life.

Not a chance in hell would some other woman be playing dollies with my newborn baby.

I DON’T agree with “don’t put him on the birth certificate”. The child has every right to know who their biological dad is. You can’t just erase someone from their life.

@Puppers you are absolutely right, I did not know this and I’m sure I’m not the only one

I’d also if at all possible be moving far far away, hours away from him. If by any chance you are currently liv8ng away from family and can move back to be near them do this. He’ll be a lot less interested if he has to drive for hours to see the baby.

Just concentrate on you and the baby for now. You can deal with that later but this is precious time.

Also, some of this advice is ridiculous. You can’t have it both ways. “Don’t put him on the birth certificate” “apply to CMS for maintenance” errr how will that work then.

Why on Earth would some weirdo think she can share another woman’s baby? She’s never even met you. Just breastfeed her (or at least say you’re breastfeeding her) then no Judge will say you’ve got to be apart overnight. What an eejit your ex is. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and let him take you to court. He almost certainly won’t.

The ex and the new gf are in their love bubble and plan to play happy families with your dbaby, bollocks to that.
*Block the gf.
*Set up an email address for contact with your ex, be careful what you say, act like you're the most reasonable person in the world re contact - no overnights due to breastfeeding (not in the best interest of db to be away from main carer) but more than welcome to come for short visits to bond with db, gf not welcome as not in the best interest of bd only both parents need to bond at this point, always refer to what's in the best interest of db.

• State you can revisit access when db gets a bit older and not so reliant on you, again in the best interest of db to have contact with df. *Breast feed if you can.
• No to attending the birth, you are at your most vulnerable and need a birth partner you can rely on. *Don't put his name on birth cert. *CMS can be looked at later. Let's be honest, ex and new gf may not stay together or she may get pregnant herself, it's a bit weird that she contacted you and wants access to your db before it's even been born, she just wants to play happy families, doubt that situation will last too long. Don't stress, set up the email and check it once a week and ignore any demands until you have given birth. Good luck op ❤️

From the CMS.gov website:

Disagreements about parentage

If you or the other parent in your child maintenance case denies that they’re the child’s parent, the Child Maintenance Service can:

ask for evidence that proves one of you is not the parent
tell the other parent what’s happened and ask for evidence to prove parentage
If there’s no evidence to prove you’re not the parent, the Child Maintenance Service can:

ask you and the other parent to take a DNA test
ask the courts to make a decision
When the Child Maintenance Service assumes who the parent is
You’ll be assumed to be the child’s parent if any of the following apply:

you were married to, or the civil partner of, the child’s mother at any time between the conception and birth of the child (unless the child is adopted)
you’re named on the child’s birth certificate (unless the child is adopted)
a DNA test shows you’re the parent
you legally adopted the child
you’re named in a court order as the parent when the child was born to a surrogate mother
Paying child maintenance during a disagreement
If you’re assumed to be the parent
The Child Maintenance Service will work out a child maintenance amount. You’ll have to pay this if you do not have main day-to-day care of the child. If you prove you’re not the parent you’ll no longer have to pay.

If you’re not assumed to be the parent
You do not need to pay child maintenance until the disagreement has been sorted out. If you’re found to be the parent, the amount of child maintenance you have to pay will be back-dated to when the case was opened

You don’t need to be on the certificate.

You think he’s going to agree to a DNA test if he’s not even allowed to see the child? Doubt it.

@EJLx I’m sorry OP. This is awful. This is what I would do:

DO NOT allow him at the birth. Get your mum/friend to tell hospital staff that this ex is not allowed near you. I wouldn’t even let him see me the day of the birth. Maybe the next day.

Ditto with the girl he is dating. Tell staff that she is NOT allowed to visit you in hospital (even the day after).

Only allow your ex to see his daughter in your own home (make sure you have a friend/family member with you for support). The girlfriend is not allowed in your home. If your ex doesn’t accept these conditions then he can’t see his Dd.

It’s really trashy that this teen girl would want to be with an older man (I’m not sure how old you are your ex are) who’s left his 8 month pregnant girlfriend/wife.

OP, a lot of women on here are man haters. They’re speaking like he’s abusive. Yes he has treated you despicably but you do say you loved him and you don’t appear to give any background of abusive behaviour.
Let him visit you and include him in your baby’s life, for her sake, but ignore his new girlfriends suggestion of sleepovers. That’s ridiculous.

OP, this sounds really hard and I'm sorry you're going through it.
Lots of people have said to breastfeed and I just want to say that I absolutely agree. There are loads of different people in and out of hospital to help so worth doing your research now so you have a network. Above all tho if Bf doesn't work do not feel guilty.
Also the hormones post birth can be really disorienting even if you don't have a situation like this. It's worth writing down the advice you have - from this thread, from family and friends etc so you can get a clear picture.

That woman is crazy contacting you. Block her asap. Shes nothing to do with you and less to do with your baby. Terrible situation he had put you in. I feel for you.

Man haters 🤣 For warning OP to proceed with extreme caution regarding the man who has abandoned her at a physically dangerous and mentally challenging time for another woman, has provided that woman with the means to harass OP and who is already making demands about inappropriate access to her newborn. Good grief. The bar is on the floor for fathers.
If your common sense doesn't tell you that he is overwhelmingly likely to be one of the many thousands of feckless fathers up and down the country, then you're utterly naive. OP would be foolish not to proceed on that assumption for the protection of herself and her baby.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you have been let down so badly. I was in a similar situation and you have been given some excellent advice here, particularly by @Rainbowqueeen but just to confirm (following my discussion with a family solicitor):

1. He is not entitled to be at the birth.

1. He has to apply to be on the birth certificate.

1. Give the baby your surname or you will need permission to travel etc.

1. Non resident parents are not entitled to overnight stays until the child is entering school (4).

1. Claim CMS.

1. His extended family (his parents, siblings etc) have no right to access your baby so don't let them pressure you otherwise.

I would absolutely block the girlfriend, she is nothing to do with your baby.

I opened a new email account and used this to communicate with my exP. You need to have everything in writing and I found it also helped to manage my emotions, I.e. avoided heated exchanges on the phone.

I know it is really really hard to be objective in this situation but you must look after yourself and your baby. Try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and shut him down until the baby is here and you can think about how arrangements work best for you and the baby going forward.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

omg you poor thing. There is no way he could ever spin this to come out of it looking anything less than a weak dickhead of a man.

As for the comment about manhaters, good lord, allow women to have a reaction immediately after they've been treated very very badly.

All of my sympathies OP. You will be ok. FWIW I'd leave him off the birth cert, he's not behaving like a decent man. I agree with the poster who says that you should contact him after the birth. Try to take a bit of a break now. xxx