Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

This is good advice.

Do not let your baby stay anywhere expect with you. He has shown he is completely irresponsible and if he wants to have a relationship with this daughter, this needs to be done through the courts like others have said. This is to protect your baby and yourself too. Don't ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

I very much doubt he would take you to court, it's extremely expensive for a start but he also seems the type that has to be in a relationship all the time - meaning he has to have someone to look after him all the time. Going to court would be too much of a hassle for him.

Excellent advice on here re the birth and not letting him on the birth certificate.

Also - his relationship with his new girlfriend won't last. They are both unbelievably immature it's unreal. Who in their right mind let's a man move in knowing he's having a baby with someone else and then decide she wants to play a part in this child's life after only weeks of being in a relationship? These relationships are not healthy and don't last.

It takes years and years to build a blended family successfully and those 2 dickheads haven't got a chance of doing that.

You can do this op, I'm so sorry it's crappy for you right now but this won't last. Don't let him ruin your time with your baby, it really does goes so fast. Wish you all the luck in the world.

This

I too have a friend who has had her motherhood destroyed by the controlling behaviour of her ex. Her children have never been on holiday because of him, all the dreams she had for them gone. I would go as far as to say he is abusing her and their children for his own amusement. Please keep him off the birth cert. He can be added later. You are not depriving your child of knowing her father. You are protecting her from the above.

I'm wondering if the GF wants a baby without having to go through pregnancy! I feel they're going to try edging you out as the baby's mother. And I agree-don't register him as her father; you don't want him to have any official claim on her.

There’s some absolutely excellent advice on here so far.
I just wanted to reiterate what a poor excuse for a man this bloke is - my guess is also that he will not shape up to be a great father. Parenthood doesn’t usually suit someone so selfish!
So for now - it’s all about you and your baby. Your hormones at this time might play havoc with your emotions but please put yourself first and use every drop of support offered…. You deserve it!

Be grateful he is such a complete fuckwit that he has told you all of this before his name is on the birth certificate.

What a prick.

No court in the land will let him have overnights with the baby. Refuse access, let him go to court to get his name on the birth certificate. Claim CMS if you can and keep that fuckwit out of yours and your child’s life

Also I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. What an utter selfish prick he is to put this on you right now. You’re going to be ok, I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but I promise if you take a step back, stop engaging with him completely, don’t let him anywhere near you, your baby or the hospital when you’re giving birth you will feel so much better for it. Keep him entirely out of your life and protect your MH. No one is taking your baby from you.

I agree with this - he can apply to have his name added, but I would make him work for it

Great advice from @belle40

I’m sorry you are in this position. He sounds a nightmare. Cut him loose. And don’t enter into conversations with his new girlfriend either. Focus on yourself and your baby.

Don’t invite him to the birth. You will be heartbroken when he leaves or invites his girlfriend to wait outside / phones his girlfriend while you are in labour. You need to be surrounded by people who care about you not him. He doesn’t deserve it.

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate.

Wishing you well OP.

I’m wondering how old she is - OP says he was cheating on her with girls as young as 18 and she sounds very naive.

My cousin who was at the time 17 was in a ‘relationship’ with a 36 year old man whose wife was 4 months pregnant with a baby she tricked him into having… or as the IVF would suggest a baby they planned on having… She thought to keep him she had to be the perfect step mum and housewife and agreed she would quit college to look after the baby from birth and all that kind of stuff. The mum didn’t let him have the baby and he cheated on my cousin with four girls in one weekend and tried to blame his upset on not being given the newborn one week on one week off but my cousin being very young/naive (which worked in her favour this time) dumped him because that’s not how Prince Charming would treat his princess. Luckily she was still at college.

Hi Op, sorry your going through this, a v hard thing to go through and I would feel tje exact same in your shoes. But feelings aside, practically he won't be taking your raw infant baby for awhile anyway , especially over night, you will want to establish a routine with baby and those first 6 wks are just a bubble of you and them. I wouldn't be happy letting my brand new baby stay with a woman I don't know 😕 the most I wpuld be allowing is visits during the day, maybe taking her to his house for 2/3 hrs . Or taking her for a walk etc. Do what you feel is best for your little one and you xxx

Reading your post breaks my heart OP. You have been so nice despite what he’s put you through.

There is some great advice one here. I have no real advice I just wanted to say - if this is your first and you’ve never been through the incredible journey of becoming a mother before, you won’t realise now but you won’t want to share your baby or have them x% of the time. Do not allow your ex to think this now as I can almost certainly guarantee when baby arrives you will change your mind.

It will be hard and you’ll need family and friends around you but you can do this on your own. Soak in the cuddles and spend every minute you can with baby on you or near you because it doesn’t last forever :(. Their dad should never be trying to take their baby from its mother. Especially after walking out on the mother the way he did.

As for the new woman - the cheek! Don’t engage with her!

Dont let him at the birth!!

Wishing you the best of luck and a healthy and happy baby x

Stop playing their games.

Chances are she’ll have kicked him out by the time the baby’s born anyway - do not take him back.

Tell him that you do not want him at the birth and he will of course have contact with his child but there’s no reason to sort it out now so you’ll contact him once the baby is born - and then ignore all messages.

Also ignore all messages from the gf.

For now just focus on yourself and the baby.
There’s no need to think about anything else right now.

There may be a part of you that doesn’t want him to see the baby, especially with this random gf.

But it is best for the baby that he has contact and when the baby is old enough he should absolutely have overnight stays and be involved - you both wanted this baby so he needs to step up and be involved. It will also give you a break so you can still go out and have fun with your friends, date, catch up on sleep etc.

Quite.

we rarely talking about ‘mate competition’ in women but it happens a lot. The pick me dance. New GF being jealous of the ex etc etc.

in the OPs situation the new GF making a claim on the unborn is just that, it’s completion and eerie and ick all in one.

Any reasonable woman would encourage a partner to see his child as often as possible without fear he’ll go back with his ex and she’ll encourage him to go without her.

this leads me to believe the new GF was the other woman and is trying to make sure her man doesn’t get back with his ex by ensuring she is providing the perfect feathered nest for his offspring.

You’re very vulnerable, you need to stay away from him, block his new girlfriend.
concentrate on your pregnancy and birth tell him you’ll contact him and let him know when baby is born, then you can arrange contact.
honestly I’ve been in this situation they’ll manipulate you went you are vulnerable.
stay away from him and contact only when necessary. Do not add to birth certificate.
you need to keep control.

And give your surname

There's no such thing as parental rights, only parental responsibility.

However, if his name is on the birth certificate you would need to consult him on the child's education, medical consent issues, religious (or not) upbringing and a whole host of other matters. Also, if at any point in the future you needed to relocate he could apply for a prohibited steps order preventing you from doing so. If he has PR he can not return the baby after contact and you would have to go to court to get the child back. No PR doesn't prevent contact but it does help you have some safeguards in place until he demonstrates he is fully engaged and part of the child's life. He can always apply to the court for PR if he wants it (he won't!).

As PP's have said, offer short regular contact with the baby and if he demonstrates his commitment and doesn't use contact to try and manipulate you you may feel comfortable increasing the time together and you may be happy to let him take the baby out for a few hours.

Overnights really should only be on the cards once he has built up your trust (he's shattered that spectacularly already so he has work to do) and it's in your baby's best interest. And he would need to show he has all the appropriate equipment and things a baby needs. I would also want to see him speak with the health visitor and understand all the safety advice they will share with you including managing a crying baby and home safety etc.

His girlfriend has no place in your baby's life for a very long time. Her bar is pretty low if she thinks your ex is a catch.

You can still claim CMS if he isn't on the BC. No matter what he tells you, he won't play by the rules on that one so just get your claim in and keep it as something that is managed by them so you don't need to discuss it with him as he will see it as something he can dangle over you if you give him chance.

The hospital will not have him anywhere near you if you tell them this. Have someone who loves and cares for you with you at the birth and will be an actual help not a pain in the arse hindrance.

And finally, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. You know who he is now and that won't change. He's made his choices. Enjoy your baby and be secure in the knowledge you can do this and you have got control over your life and your baby will thrive with you there making sure they are loved, nourished and well cared for. If he does being something positive to the table that great but your baby won't suffer if you don't engage with a self centred and pitiful excuse for a father if he behaves like a dick.

Good luck!

Surely if we expect CMS from a father should he not also be on the birth certificate , plus they can get put on if they take it further ? Regardless of what he has done he is the other parent and OP doesn't mention violence or other fcators
If you think he will be an ok dad why not
Def no overnights until older and short visits on his own
I would also do all in writing as if he goes to court there is proof you tried to encourage contact etc
Who you have at the birth is your choice and he doesn't get a say in that

Agree with all PP re not being at birth/contact/birth cert/contact only via email (that one is super important, leaves a paper trail, you can read or answer at your convenience and write with a calmer head).

I'd also like to add, beware the hormones.

Imagine that all goes well, he's coming over 3/4 times a week for a couple of hours at a time, playing Perfect Daddy, making you a cup of tea etc. Little Miss I Want That Baby (aka the current shag) isn't going to be too keen on that, arguments about him playing happy families and "when is it my turn to see the baby". So they split up and he's left with nowhere to live.

Suddenly "what's in baby's best interests" becomes his line.... "Surely it would be best for little baby to have two parents?" "Surely we can try again, it'd be best for baby?" "I could just come and stay here to help you with baby?"

Because of this, if you trust him to not leave the house with baby, I'd be going for a sleep while he's there. If you don't trust him, don't take your eyes off him, just sit there with a book and some headphones on. Try really, really hard not to have conversations about anything other than the weather etc while he's there and keep all arrangements to that email chain.

While your hormones are everywhere, you're sleep deprived and you feel like a truck has hit you he'll use every bullet in his emotionally coercive gun to get you to agree to him moving back in.

This is NOT for baby's best interests, it's for his!

Good luck for the birth.

@GreyElephantsWearingYellowPyjamas but you could request dna test and then apply to court to be on it , can they not ?

@creamtelephone can a father not go to court to get those rights though
If someone is a good dad it seems wrong to exclude them so only mum gets all the say , a child is both of yours

What a shame, this must be so stressful for you.
First of all, you need to let go of the love you had for him, get angry with him,he's shown himself to be an utterly horrible person.
Leave him completely off the birth certificate, this will make your life easier, he can be added at a later point if he decides to fight for it.
Under no circumstances should he be at the birth, you need someone there who loves and supports you, during this vulnerable time.
He can go to court, but court will not agree to overnights for a small baby, so don't worry about that.
You could offer contact in your home for an hour or 2 a few times a week, your baby has nothing to do with the new girlfriend, she doesn't get contact with your baby.
Good luck , I hope everything works out for you, be strong!!

Completely agree with this, if I was going to lake a prediction then this would be it.

Op - we all realise how stressed you are and days away from giving birth. We all feel for you so much. Please keep posting on here if you don't have anyone around you. No one is going to judge you but we can hopefully help you to see clearly through the fog of hormones, baby brain and heart break that you are currently going through.

It's so important you keep him at arms length at all times. See him as the baby's dad and that's all he is. Because when his new relationship does break down, he will try get back to you in a heartbeat. You need to keep as strong as you can with a rational head - I.E he's a complete prick and you and your daughter deserve so much better.

You can use this as a diary, keep updating and everyone here will support you