Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

And as for being there at the birth, for your ex to even think for a moment this was even slightly acceptable after how he's treated you is insane.

He really does need to be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms about that.

EJLx so your really planning to skip down to the registry office with a bloke who has said your nothing to him? He will likely not want to come unless you give your DC his surname and then what? You need to start refocussing your energy as if you keep thinking i will put him on the BC etc he will be off to court as quick as you like getting access for him and his GF. You need to be tough now as I do worry his motives are to take the child fulltime and leave you with access now he is all stable...your a fool not to be thinking about his motives

No, he cannot be at the birth. He forfeited that right of a partner when he left you.

Even as a partner, you don't have a "right" to be at the birth. It's the mother choice, full stop. Obviously most do, but the partner doesn't have any right to be there, still less this twat of a man

OP. Please listen to the advice here. If you want him to, he can still know and be a dad to your child as she grows up whether he registers the birth with you or not.

Your first responsibility is to be a good mum. You're less able to do that if you make yourself beholden to this man who thinks so little of you he says you're "just this woman he got pregnant".

Surely the possibility that he might try fight for custody of your baby with his girlfriend (given how keen she clearly is to get her hands on your baby) is enough to jolt you into not allowing him the opportunity to do that by getting his name of the birth certificate (and his name to your child - which he will cajole into doing no doubt).

I don't think he's fighting for custody as clearly that's never going to happen. I think he's fighting for access.

He is not fighting for anything. He is demanding (over) access of a newborn (or his girlfriend is!) This guy is likely to be just as fickle and unreliable with his DC as is with his ex-partner. I really can't see him going to court for access let alone custody.

I can’t fathom how a woman you have never met , never even knew existed, messages you telling you she’s gonna love and look after your unborn baby without once even asking your permission.

you need to grow strength and backbone very quickly girl because you are the mother and you call the shots. You do not need to be polite , you need to be firm and direct and stress that she will only see the baby once you have recovered and then vetted her and once they have been in a long term relationship together. I suspect she’ll soon get jealous once she realises he can only visit his breastfed child without her.

as for him …definitely not at the birth. You are no longer intimate with him and he is being intimate with her so he does not get to see you vulnerable and in pain with your boobs and vagina out. Get it in your birth plan that your mum etc will be your partner instead and make sure he isn’t allowed in.

He's not at the moment, he probably won't, and he's not given any indication that he will.... yet.

Is that a chance a new mother should
be willing to take? That he 'probably' won't fight for custody?

It's his new gf that I instinctively feel concerned.... As I posted before, her behaviour here is extremely inappropriate to the point of being crazy. A crazy gf who wants to get her mitts on the OPs baby may well push her new bf for custody if she's rebuffed and doesn't get to look after the baby.

Even if the chances of actually obtaining custody seem small given the circumstances, you can never quite guarantee the outcome and the stress of going through that for a new mother would be unimaginably horrific, and the OP being half-witless with stress and anxiety would certainly be damaging for the child.

OP - please don't assume he won't go for custody at some point if you put this name on the birth certificate.

I can’t fathom how a woman you have never met , never even knew existed, messages you telling you she’s gonna love and look after your unborn baby without once even asking your permission.

Yes, she's acting in a very disturbing manner indeed. This might be politically incorrect, but the word "psycho" comes to mind. Don't underestimate how crazy she will be , and push her new BF to be, once she realises she can't be "mummy" to the OPs newborn.

A father doesnt have to be named on the birth certificate to be ordered to pay maintenance. All it takes is a dna test ordered by cms. He can be added to the birth certificate at a later date if a court orders it

You do realise that if you put him on the birth certificate, be can just take the child without your say so and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You would have to take him to court to get her back which can take time. Time that your baby will be away from you and being cared for by his girlfriend.

Please think of your baby before “my love for him”. You could cause irreparable damage to her if you don’t put yourself and your baby first. You will be kicking yourself later down the line for all the reasons mentioned here. Have you got support from anyone? Have you let the GP know of your situation? You sound very vulnerable/young?

Please listen to the advice of people who know the law around registration and parental responsibility.

It is a practically irreversible process one down. Once the father's name is on, you will NEVER escape equal parental rights with this man: he will be completely equal to you and have full equal say over education, living, travel, etc. There are petitions happening at the moment in order to allow courts to remove parental rights from men who have murdered their partners. That is how extreme and irreversible a process this is. A father can be physically, financially, emotionally and sexually abuse and still remain on that certificate.

However, it is only reversible this one way. You can ADD a father only the birth certificate at any time. It's really easy to do at a later stage if and when a father has stepped up and shown he is capable of behaving reasonably and proportionally as a man and is capable of equal parenting rights and responsibilities. Yes, sure, for most men you can assume that and can add them at birth. But from the sounds of it, this man is not that.

Nobody I know has ever said, oh I wish I'd put the father down at birth at the initial registration. However, I know bloody loads that regret that decision. Dad has equal say over everything is they are named.

If you later add a father, the birth certificate is replaced. The child will never actually realise Dad wasn't on it initially, unless you tell them. So if he steps up, no harm done.

And they are not going to think Mum is a slut and doesn't know who the father is as some poster said above in any case 😆 Loads of initial registrations happen without the Dad for a plethora of reasons and Dad is later added.

@EJLx please do not put him on the birth certificate. If you do that he has equal rights to you. He can refuse to return the baby after contact and the police will do NOTHING. You would have to go to court. Unfortunatley courts are horrendously backed up atm and by the time you get a hearing they could decide baby is now settled with dad and decide its not the babies best interests to be moved again, making dad resident parent. This may be rare but has happened. Do not risk it.

Don't have him at the birth and let him come to you for contact, make it a rule that new gf is not allowed to accompany. She has no rights, she is not a parent. You are offering him contact, if he chooses not to take it thats on him and shows who is really running the show.

Speak to a lawyer now. Make a plan. Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Sorry I was just replying to another poster who said he was looking for custody.

I will reiterate what I have already said. DO NOT NAME THIS MAN ON YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE. My daughter has had nothing but stress since naming my grandsons father on his birth certificate. He thinks he can stop us going away together as a family 'just because he can'. He does not have my grandsons best interests at heart but instead uses the birth certificate thing as a method of control over what my daughter can and can't do with my grandson. He bleats on about his parental rights but pays nothing, never sees him and threatens all kinds of repercussions if she doesn't 'play ball'. All because at the time of the birth she "loved him", so skipped merrily along to the register office with him to have him named on the birth certificate. This deadbeat just pops back into my grandsons life when he's 'between girlfriends'. My daughter's life is a misery caused by his behaviour, just because HE CAN, because he has a legal right.

I think what makes this difficult is the fact you are very pregnant and definitely shouldn’t have to deal with this. I know how it can be w/o the other parent around much and then add someone I don’t know…..you have every right to protect your baby. This does sound like a situation that will result in the baby being taken and you’re looking for her. I would definitely go to a lawyer and have something drawn up quickly to protect you both, keep every lil thing that comes from him and the gf too. I’d be nervous in your situation. You don’t know the gf so leaving your child with her alone is nerve wrecking. I would make this as stress less as possible, you don’t need it. You’ll hear he’s the father he has rights…..while that is true, his gf doesn’t. I would leave him off the birth certificate and not allow him at the birth unless you have legal documentation in place. Whatever you do, DONT GO BACK WITH HIM! He ain’t worth it. I wish you luck with this but most important, with the birth of your baby girl

Oh don't worry too much. He's only trying to impress this new woman with his claims that he's going to be a devoted dad so she doesn't think he's a scumbag deadbeat who ran out on his kid as well as his fianceé.

In truth, he'll probably do the visiting thing a handful of times, and less so if you put your foot down you don't want her in your home. Ideally, you should let him visit the baby at your mum's house. Bonus points for having your siblings and nan also sitting in the room with your mum and dad and you while he hangs out with your kid. He'll soon fuck off.

I know you want him to be a good dad - but that's not up to you. You cannot make him one. And honestly, kids need stability. Dads who have routine and steady contact - even if infrequent are far better for their kids than the ones who are selfish flakes. If he bails on you, and lies to you, he WILL do likewise to your child when he or she is old enough. And that is immensely damaging to a child.

Be guided by your child's best interests here, always. Fuck what some new girlfriend thinks, or what he says. All that matters is your child and what is best for him or her.

1. You won't be able to name him on the birth certificate unless you go together to register the birth- you're not married.
2. Avoiding putting him on the birth certificate is not an issue of spite, it's an issue of being able to parent . He's already told you that you are a nobody to him- if he is on the birth certificate, he has equal parental responsibility from then on. He can make life very, very difficult for you for the next 18 years. You need to stop moping about a waste-of-space man who has ditched you and the baby, and start stepping up and making responsible decisions which put the baby's wellbeing first. You're parenting for two now, you need to start thinking things through.
3. You can't take him off the birth certificate once he's on.
4. If you don't name him, but he becomes a proactive, involved parent once the baby arrives, he can apply himself for parental responsibility.

Sweetheart you are very young. I know you want his name on the birth certificate, but that will mean having this man’s input in every single decision from schools to going on overseas holidays until your child is 18. That is a bloody long time to be legally attached to someone who has made it VERY clear that he is going to be adversarial. Please re-think that for now at least. He can be added at a later date when things have calmed down. Also, if he needs to take you to court to do so, he needs to spend the money, which is kind of proof that he is emotionally invested in parenting your child. Maybe let him do that down the track. Let him chase YOU up.

Another thing you need to think about regarding the birth certificate, is if you eventually want to move away from the area because your work prospects might be better or the cost of living is better, or to be closer to family, or you meet someone else, whatever… you will need to enroll your child in a school in that new area. You can do that yourself without his name on the BC, but you can’t if his name is there. You will need his permission, and you know you just won’t get that.