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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

322 replies

EJLx · 29/10/2022 01:24

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 29/10/2022 09:13

Good luck with everything op. Stay strong for you and your baby. There is some really good advice on here already. I just didn’t want to read and run.
in the long term I think you’ll be glad he’s gone now and not in 5/10/15 years time….

Damnautocorrect · 29/10/2022 09:15

Badgirlriri · 29/10/2022 07:44

I DON’T agree with “don’t put him on the birth certificate”. The child has every right to know who their biological dad is. You can’t just erase someone from their life.

It’s not about the child knowing their dad. It’s the legal implications. E.g he can stop the op going on holiday, turn up at school and take the child, he can block which school they go to, he can stop her moving across the country.
why invite that when he’s behaved as he has?
if he sorts himself out he can be added. Now. No chance the op should offer up that control of her life

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 29/10/2022 09:15

As someone who was left holding the baby as it were i also atrongly advise you not to put him on birthcert. He is causing complications now so he will do in future with passports snd you taking baby out of the country etc.

badbaduncle · 29/10/2022 09:23

Rainbowqueeen · 29/10/2022 02:22

The birth - this is a medical procedure and you are the patient. If you say no the hospital will not allow him in. Any court will support the hospital

Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the child. Little and often is recommended for babies eg 2 hours at a time, 4 times a week.

Overnights are generally not considered until baby is 2.

Tell him no. Put everything in writing Frame everything in terms of what is best for baby. So “ It is in baby’s best interest to have contact with you regularly for short periods. I suggest 4-5 times a week for 2 hours. Can you let me know what times and days would be suitable for you”.

Then claim cms and give baby your surname. I predict that by the time baby is one he will be an absentee father anyway.

This is superb advice. Try and stay calm and focus on yourself and your baby.

CecilyP · 29/10/2022 09:23

Please don't listen to the people saying don't put him on the birth cert. If you're sure (which it sounds like you are) that he's the father then you have a moral responsibility not to deprive your child of that information. It can be very damaging to a child if there is ambiguity/secrecy around their background so however much this man has broken your heart you need to do what's right. The child will at times be upset/angry that dad isn't in their family and you will need to show them that you did what you could to facilitate contact. If he screws this up then that's out of your control. You can tell your child that this was on him not you.

Please do listen to people saying don’t put him on the birth certificate! Anyway, she can just put him on, he has to accompany her to the registrars, so can’t imagine that happening like they’re happy families! Putting him on could also create problems later on as others have described.

The child won’t be deprived of any information. OP knows who the father is, so she can tell her! She probably has all sorts of details and information having been with him for 8 years! You already sound convinced that this man won’t be in the child’s life, even though OP has been advised to offer little and often.

Honeyroar · 29/10/2022 09:25

Rainbowqueeen · 29/10/2022 02:22

The birth - this is a medical procedure and you are the patient. If you say no the hospital will not allow him in. Any court will support the hospital

Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the child. Little and often is recommended for babies eg 2 hours at a time, 4 times a week.

Overnights are generally not considered until baby is 2.

Tell him no. Put everything in writing Frame everything in terms of what is best for baby. So “ It is in baby’s best interest to have contact with you regularly for short periods. I suggest 4-5 times a week for 2 hours. Can you let me know what times and days would be suitable for you”.

Then claim cms and give baby your surname. I predict that by the time baby is one he will be an absentee father anyway.

Yes I agree with this.

He doesn’t come to the birth, he leaves you in peace up until the birth. The girlfriend does not get to come to the visits because you have no obligation to let the woman he cheated with into the house and no court in the land will make you let her. Tell them IF they are still together in a year or two when he is entitled to have her overnight or on his own she can meet the child then. Up until then she is nothing to the baby, not a relative and not a part of the baby’s life. And tell them you don’t want to hear anything else from them until after the baby is born as they have caused considerable stress to the pregnancy (and therefore health of the baby) already and you don’t want anymore. Then block for now.

Inertia · 29/10/2022 09:28

I’m so sorry. Your ex has destroyed the life you had planned, and now his current girlfriend thinks your baby is some kind of toy so they can play happy families. No to that.

I agree with many previous posters, you need firm boundaries to protect yourself and baby.

  • Urgent priority- STI check in case he’s passed on anything which could be dangerous for baby at birth.
  • Ex is not entitled to attend the birth or any antenatal appointments. You are the patient. Take a friend or relative who will support you.
  • Give the baby your surname.
  • Don’t invite ex to add his name to the birth certificate. If he wants parental responsibility he can make the effort to prove it. If you’re unmarried you can’t add him anyway.
  • Breastfeed if you possibly can - courts will not force contact away from a breastfeeding mother.
  • The father has no right to contact- the rights belong to the baby. If you breastfeed then contact needs to be with you there, as the needs of the baby are the only priority.
  • You are under no obligation to tell ex when you are in labour, or immediately when the baby is born- tell him when you feel able to cope with handling any demands he might throw at you.
  • Make CMS and child benefit claims immediately.

Good luck. You don’t need to be kind to ex, you need to focus all your priorities on the baby. You’re doing all the parenting, and ex is big enough to take care of himself .

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2022 09:34

@allboysmum3 3 months? 3 months is just the 4th trimester. 3 months is way too young to be away from op, who is the main caregiver, even if she isn’t breastfeeding. Courts won’t mandate overnights at such a young age.

As for putting him on the birth certificate, he physically needs to be present to do that. Personally I wouldn’t be adding him atm as he clearly isn’t able to make decent decisions. He can be added later once he proves himself and if not, it is entirely possible to explain to a child x is their dad and once they’re older that he isn’t on the birth certificate and he’s an absent father. @Cheeseandcrackers86 Far more damage can be created by a narcissistic or extremely self centred father by having him on the bc. He needs to earn his place as a loving and involved father.

viques · 29/10/2022 09:35

supersonicginandtonic · 29/10/2022 04:20

I disagree with those saying don't put him on the birth certificate. It's a legal document, every child has a right to their father on there, within reason.

In regards to everything else. I do agree with your surname as you aren't together and I have children with different surnames to mine. Travel and school etc are not a nightmare by the way.
Little contact and often. Offer it and if rh doesn't take it up you have tried. Claim CMS.

I agree to blocking his girlfriend, you have no need to speak to her. Also baby will be too young for overnights for a long time yet so don't worry about that.
The birth is your choice, if you don't want him there, then that's entirely up to you.
He sounds an idiot and one who gets bored quickly. I agree with the poster that vt a year he'll be an absent father.

The only way his name can be on the bc if is the OP invites him to the registration . She can’t “put” him on the bc. If he wants parental responsibility he will have to take her to court, I doubt he will bother, easier to get someone else pregnant if he wants to be a daddy.

And yes, there will be a gap on the long birth certificate ( actually a line of dashes) but she can tell the child about him, can name him to the child and eventually the child will come to realise ( probably as an adult) that her dads name wasn’t worth the printer ink on the birth certificate . There is more to being a father than a name on a piece of paper.

RealBecca · 29/10/2022 09:37

In the nicest way, you are living the emotions and drama of a sadly predictable outcome...that when baby is born and he needs to be consistent, he simply wont be.

Baby needs commitment for stability far more than baby needs you to be the nice guy. Offer the most reasonable thing you can with that in mind. For example, he can see the baby for 2 hours a day after work. If he wants 3 days a week, fine, as long as those days are agreed when his rota is published. No overnights until baby is sleeping well.

He made a choice to leave. He doesnt get to play dad at his convenience. Babies arent convenient, if he cant put himself out to arrange his life around his contact and paying for his baby then he has no place being a dad.

bigbird50 · 29/10/2022 09:38

the more I read the OP I do worry the ex and his new GF are setting themselves up to be the main carers here. I would be worried you won’t get your baby back if allowed this pair to play happy families from the off . Just something about the contact from the GF- it’s as if your their surrogate - don’t put him on the Bc and don’t let him at the birth - you will have all sorts of emotional at that time and need good people around you

I would block her and tell him he is blocked and will unblock to advise of when he can see his baby on your terms .

Heartbreaktuna · 29/10/2022 09:41

Holy hell. My mother has worked with domestic abuse victims my whole life. I'm so confused about the other posters advising you to still put him on the birth certificate. Have they naive? Or just not experienced the living hell of being living under the will of a waste of space man? An absent, useless, or worse controlling man now has life long control and interference in your child's life. What to get a passport? Need him to sign too....which we will mercilessly drag out. Want to go on holiday? You'll need his permission. School trip. everything. Oh wait, he said no? Tough! Hospital procedure? Needs dad.
You will forever be at his whim.
A worthwhile dad will fight for parental rights in his own time with his own energy.

OhCobblers · 29/10/2022 09:43

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/10/2022 08:59

Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Do not allow overnight visits under any circumstances.

Do not engage with the girlfriend in any way.

Do not allow your newborn out of your sight or out of your house. The dad can build a relationship with the baby by visiting you for say an hour a day to suit your schedule.

Once your baby is older, this can be worked on and built up.

Overnight visits are not on the cards until your baby is much older and only if a relationship is established with the father.

But my guess is that the girlfriend will get herself knocked up ASAP and they won't want to bother with your baby.

And good riddance to the treacherous piece of shit.

But don't forget the CMS.

100% this OP and make sure baby has YOUR name and only yours

itwasntmetho · 29/10/2022 09:44

Fraaahnces · 29/10/2022 03:13

Honestly, I’d move. Change phone numbers. Don’t put his name on birth certificate. Give baby your surname. Have mum or best friend at birth. Think about whether you want cm or if you can manage alone. If you want it, set up email address for contact details and apply for cms.

This is what I would do too.
This guy had one job as a 'Father' to care for his pregnant DP, help her keep healthy and keep her stress levels low.
He fucked off and set up home with an immature woman who now sees you as some kind of forced surrogate who is delivering her new toy, let her have your contact details and announce 'their' plans to you.
He can't force you to have a life like this.

Supernova18 · 29/10/2022 09:46

I have been here. Register the baby alone, have your surname. A newborn needs their mother, stand your ground

Blocked · 29/10/2022 09:49

Like fuck would I be handing my baby over to anyone if I didn't want to. Babies need their mothers (no matter how they are fed)

Justdontbejudgy · 29/10/2022 09:51

Puppers · 29/10/2022 07:34

OP I'm so sorry he has done this to you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Unfortunately you are in a time-critical situation and you need to very quickly put aside your heartbreak (for now) and get your practical and strategic head on. Don't allow him to take advantage of the fact he's left you reeling. You need to be the one who is in control and you need to be extremely firm because you are dealing with people who have no respect for you and no idea about appropriate and healthy boundaries. You have all of the power here. Use it.

Here is what I would do. In this order.

  1. Block the girlfriend and never speak with her again. She is irrelevant.
  2. Text or email the father and tell him that you don't wish to communicate further at the moment and will notify him once the baby is born. Then DO NOT respond to any further communication whatsoever. Block him until after the birth if necessary.
  3. Make all practical plans relating to the birth and the immediate aftermath to make sure you have necessary support in place and do not need to contact him for anything. Do you have your mum or a sister nearby? Can they stay with you? Can you stay with them? Make sure everything is in place.
  4. Breastfeed the baby if at all possible. This will give you an additional bit of armour in defending against inappropriate contact demands.
  5. Once you are home from the hospital, text him to let him know that the baby has arrived and a photo and brief summary I.e. "Baby was born yesterday afternoon at X o clock weighing X lb X Oz and is healthy. I will be in touch shortly when I am sufficiently recovered from birth to discuss contact arrangements". Then do not respond to further communication and temporarily block if necessary.
  6. Register the birth alone ASAP. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. The last thing you want is to give parental responsibility and all that goes along with it, to a man who has thus far proven he does not have the baby's best interests at heart. Let him prove himself and he can be added later without any drama. There's nothing stopping you from telling the child who their father is; it's not about hiding the truth or denying them knowledge of their parentage. It's a purely practical decision to prevent him from having the means to control you and your child for their entire childhood whilst being largely absent and not actually doing any parenting. He would have a say over school, medical decisions, whether they could be taken abroad. It is in your child's interests to take a cautious approach here.
  7. After a few days, text or email to outline your contact offer. Frame this purely as what is best for the baby. Be concise, factual and neutral in tone. You need to imagine all your texts and emails being read out in court. "Dear Alan, As promised, I am writing in relation to contact with the baby. As it is clearly inappropriate to separate a young baby from its mother, and especially given that I am breastfeeding, all contact for the foreseeable will need to take place at my home with me present. A "little and often" approach is in the baby's best interests. I propose 2 hour visits, 3-4 times per week. Please let me know your preferred days/times for regular scheduled contact and I will do what I can to accommodate these. We can discuss contact away from me in the future at such time as it is appropriate, but I will not commit to that at this point as it will be led entirely by what is in the baby's best interests. Be aware that at the very least it will be when the baby is weaned, but possibly beyond that. I await to hear from you regarding proposed days and times for visitation. Kind regards, OP". DO NOT respond to or be drawn into a discussion about anything other than access for visitation. If he sends you a ranty email about how he wants to take the baby overnight and it's his right and blah blah blah, just very calmly reply that "as per my previous email, visitation will need to be in the baby's best interests, at my home with me present. I await to hear from you regarding days and times so that we can agree a schedule". If he persists with abusive or uncooperative emails then I'd just say "I will not respond to further communication unless you wish to discuss visitation as outlined in my email" and then stick to that. Don't respond to any nonsense. Worst case scenario, communication breaks down and he takes you to court. No court is going to grant anything wildly different from what you're offering.
  8. Apply to CMS for maintenance.
  9. Apply for all benefits that you are entitled to.
  10. Build a support network and find groups to join, even if you don't feel like it at first. Try to leave the house every day.

My gut feeling is that when he realises he can't play happy families with his new girlfriend, and actually parenthood is about responsibility and consistency and commitment, he'll lose interest. By the baby's first birthday he'll probably be largely absent.

This is excellent advice. Especially 6, and give baby your surname.

I am so sorry that you are in this position. Please do not allow him to have any control in this. He does not sound responsible, reliable or consistent, which is exactly what a wee baby needs.

Block communication from the new partner (it's nothing to do with her) and try to get the support you'll need from other family and friends. Also share your circumstances with your midwife/health visitor and use their support. If you are struggling post birth let them know, if you maybe can't get the support from other friends and family for whatever reason.

All the very best with your birth and I hope you are able to enjoy your new baby. I also hope that he will become the father he says he is willing to be although, given his conduct so far, I'm not convinced.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 29/10/2022 09:53

It’s probably just novelty to the new gf. She assumes they’ll have the baby there at times. I don’t imagine they’ve given much thought to the practicalities of it all let alone the legal ramifications.
My eldest dd has an ‘absent’ father. I don’t think it’s made a big difference to her really. She is an adult now and can rationalise it all. His loss.
Time will tell how he will be but right now prioritise yourself and the baby. Try not to give him much headspace. Find a supportive friend or relative for labour/initially afterwards and tell him when you’re ready. If that’s a few days after then so be it.

BananaCocktails · 29/10/2022 09:56

Know that he should not be having his baby overnight especially when she’s so young she will need mum and to be breastfed by you or bottle-fed how dare the new girlfriend message you how long has he been seeing her?
Does she know that he was two timing her with you Vice versa?
Tell his girlfriend and Ur ex that he is too unstable at the moment to be able to look after a newborn and and that you don’t feel that’s a safe or stable environment for your baby to be in-also that you don’t feel that they have been together long enough in order to be looking after your child as a couple regardless of whether he is the dad
he Must also pay you child maintenance If he doesn’t go through the CMS, I wonder how she will take that, doesn’t sound like his relationships are serious or last very long either and you could explain that also

also say although he has moved in with her as far as you are concerned it’s a new relationship so not serious as he has had girlfriends whilst you were pregnant and you don’t feel that this is appropriate for a newborn who should be with her mother. If he wants to see the baby he can come to you in your house and see baby there. If you don’t feel safe make sure you have a third-party there

My ex did exactly the same to me left me with my child to Go and live with another woman was a newborn but he never asked My baby overnight as they both knew it wasn’t appropriate. Decent thing they did to tBH

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/10/2022 09:57

OhCobblers · 29/10/2022 09:43

100% this OP and make sure baby has YOUR name and only yours

Show quote history

You are getting excellent advice here, @EJLx - my guess is the above posters, and those who posted similar advice, are spot on. I think some others also said that you should block him from your life until you want him in it, and there is no need for you to even tell him when you are going into labour, let alone have him there at the birth. I hope you have a family member or a trusted friend who will look after you through this. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but hard though it must be for you, I would suggest that you put him and his interfering girlfriend out of your mind for the moment, and concentrate on giving birth to your lovely baby, doing what is best for her and you. Which definitely means blocking him and anything to do with him at the moment and until it suits you to get back in contact with him (and only him) if at all. He walks out on you and the baby, he has no rights, it is up to you to decide what happens, not him and definitely not the new girlfriend.
Good luck. Flowers I hope it goes well for you.

Spinninggyro · 29/10/2022 10:02

Have you changed the locks on your doors? It’s likely he still has a key and you don’t want him letting himself in. You need to be in control of when he can see the baby. If you are renting you might need to inform the landlord.
wishing you all the very best for the future

AthenaPopodopolous · 29/10/2022 10:05

Change your telephone number, block him on everything and her too. How dare they? I would remove this bastard from your life and your unborn baby’s life entirely.
This is your child.
Keep him off the birth certificate and don’t bother with any of his family either. Be done with them.
Let him go to Court for access but keep him away for now as this is just an absolute head fcuk for you.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 29/10/2022 10:12

I'm just wondering for all the people adament that she should completely block this man.... Is there actually any evidence that he's abusive or controlling? Is there much evidence that he won't be a hands on and loving dad? There doesn't seem to be at this point although I do see that he's an utter a'hole as a partner. IMHO courts will frown on OP completely blocking him and so might the child in a few years ....

Slutdrop · 29/10/2022 10:13

Don't have his details on the child's birth certificate as this will give him equal parental rights to yourself and from your post it seems that it would not be in the child's best interests. Give the child your surname.
Source of info: my daughter's hell of an existence since she had a child with a vile, controlling knobhead who thinks he can wield his power over her and my grandson because he has "parental rights" as he is named as the childs father on his birth certificate.