Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

Ask for all contact re baby to be from him via email.

Do not put him on birth certificate.

I would ignore until after the birth. He has no “rights” in contacting you about an unborn child. You may wish to keep his name off the birth certificate for now.

I may be wrong but I’m pretty sure the other parent can’t demand overnights if the mother is breastfeeding? Again don’t quote me, but might be worth looking up.

try and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy, you CAN do it alone - you shouldn’t have to, but you can.

have you got a mum who could be your birthing partner?

I’m sorry this is happening to you. He sounds like a real prince. But I’d bet money on it he won’t last with this new girl! Id also bet that he will quickly drop “taking you to court” and turn into “I don’t see my child because she won’t let me have visits” 🙄

There would be absolutely no way i would be letting my newborn go and stay elsewhere. I would be tempted with a 3 month rule. Baby doesn't leave you overnight until then. Her dad can come round as much as he wants to see the baby but she doesn't leave with him. If your breastfeeding then baby won't be able to leave until you either move to formula or start weaning. Stand up for yourself, don't roll over and let them play happy families with your newborn

A half decent father would absolutely want to prove he's the dad. But you think OP should tether herself and her child to a man who would deny parentage simply because he isn't allowed to have his own way?

Nobody has suggested he shouldn't be able to see the child; just that contact should be in the child's interests which, if he's completely unable to be decent, may mean him going via the courts.

Lots of great advice. Much is assumed you are in England or wales though, if you are not check the rules for where you live (or let people here know).

At this point I would suggest you tell him you will send him an email (excellent suggestion here about setting up a specific address) once the baby is born with photos. State if he wishes to avoid the child support agency (which charge) to let you know his current salary and you will use the online calculator to work out the monthly payment. That you will contact him with times he can visit you and the baby (at your house is easier at first) but no overnights or away from you until the baby is older in line with recommendations. His girlfriend is not welcome at your house.

Unless you are married, his name won't be on the birth certificate unless he came with you, just don't tell him when you register the birth - he can apply to add his name latter. Use your surname

It’s really trashy that this teen girl would want to be with an older man (I’m not sure how old you are your ex are) who’s left his 8 month pregnant girlfriend/wife.

why are you blaming the young girl being influenced by an older man? The only person OP had a relationship with is her ex. And the only person she’ll need to maintain an amicable co-parenting relationship with is her ex. The new gf is just a distraction and doesn’t actually owe OP anything, in the same way OP doesn’t owe her anything.

OP you have received great advice already. The best way to avoid your ex coming to the hospital is to let him know about the birth once you’re home. My biggest regret after my first labour was “allowing” hospital visitors to come immediately after baby arrived when I was in pain, still had a catheter in me and hadn’t eaten or showered in 3 days. They held the baby before I could get a chance to (as I had been vomiting too much, and midwives wanted me to rest) and took over and slowed down the process of me getting comfortable post birth (wouldn’t leave until they were thrown out of the ward). I felt bad as they put pressure on me to come by camping out in the hospital during my 3 day labour, and so I felt like I couldn’t refuse. With the power of hindsight my second birth was nothing like this as I didn’t let anyone know I was in labour (except for my mum and neighbour who was looking after eldest).

You will be at your most vulnerable post birth so only allow your ex to visit once you are back in the comfort of your own home. This approach will also allow you time to enjoy the baby without stressing about your ex and his new gf.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. He can go on later if he steps up and grows up.

If he’s on it and the baby goes to his then he doesn’t have to give the baby back- there will be nothing the police can do to assist you. So if he and his odd girlfriend decide it’s staying with them and they are playing ‘happy families’- that’s it.

Did this man move into your house quite quickly after you met? I’m guessing you weren’t joint owners or jointer renters? Then he’s found himself another woman who he has moved straight in with? This is a pattern of behaviour that many men do. They seek out new partners with this in mind and move on once responsibility gets real.

I suspect this new woman will also fall pregnant in time so I would focus on your pregnancy. Find out what you need to find out legally in terms of names on birth certificates and shared care. Then try your best to focus on your baby. He will spend his life breaking women’s and children’s hearts so please don’t cry too long for him.

And no, some random woman that you’ve never met, know nothing about does not get to play mummies with your baby!! She could be gone in a few weeks to be replaced my another.
Please follow the excellent advice on here. Good luck with the birth and I’m so sorry your baby’s dad has turned out so flaky.

I'd want to castrate the bastard.

Hope it all goes well for you

HIGHLY inappropriate for the girlfriend to contact you in that way. Block.

I’m so sorry OP. Others have better advice than me, but you’re justified in feeling the way you do.

@Rainbowqueeen
Very sensible advice. I hope OP follows it.

I can believe his new 'girlfriend' had the nerve to contact you directly, let alone request access to your baby!!!

As other have said, do not let him be there for the birth. Don't even tell him until after it has happened and do not put him on the birth certificate. You are not denying him access, just making sure your baby has your name.

Tell him you can sort out access after the birth. Little and often and under your supervision. At your home. And the new girlfriend can stay away and you will not be allowing sleepovers until baby is much other (can pretty much guarantee they'll have split up by then anyway).

I’m so sorry.

don’t have him at the birth, don’t put him in the birth certificate. You can still go after him for child support. No fucking way does newborn go to them. HE can visit at yours if you so wish until a bond is made.

But @EJLx the most important thing is to tel your midwife and ask for a sexual health screen. There are lots of STI’s that can affect baby once your waters break and make them Ill. He’s been sleeping around whilst with you so this is really really important to do today and ask.

Surround yourself with people who love and can support you. Any man and a new woman who think it’s perfectly acceptable to contact a heavily pregnant woman advising her that they are going to be having her new baby overnight and can’t wait. Are a pair of nasty selfish shit bags. Your priority is your upcoming birth and recovery and time with your new baby.

set some boundaries now- are his parents people who will support him with this nonsense? Or are they nice supportive people who you could rely upon to use there home for initial contact time ? Do you have family that can assist dealing with him ( oh and block the girl)

It does sound like they want to play happy families with your baby ( and his of course but you know what I mean)

It might not seem like it but now this could be the best thing they ever happened, he sounds like a right loser and you are going to be better off on your own!

if you don't want him at the birth, don't let him. I didn't have my sons dad at the birth, he was similar tbh.

i would have told his new girlfriend who messaged you to f**k off or just block her.

I wouldn't let a newborn baby stay with him and her at all. If he wants to see the baby and you feel comfortable with it, he can visit you at home. Newborns don't need sleepovers, maybe if he proves himself as a father you can think about it down the line.

also, give the baby your name. My sons dad was put on the birth certificate but he took my surname.

The fact that she wants to play mummies with your baby and her new boyfriend is a huge red flag anyway. It’s a baby, not a doll.

She shouldn’t be contacting you.

Any contact is for the child and the father, his girlfriend has no input and she should not be “caring for and loving your baby” - what a load of nonsense. Any and all care should be done by the father.

Honestly - it screams of jealousy from her side to me.

I would nip this shit in the bud now. Your baby needs you. She won’t need to be loved and looked after by a random woman overnight, becuae that’s how it will be, if she’s so keen to play at being mummy, I doubt your ex will be doing a lot of the care.

Silly girl! Of course you can! Otherwise any father who doesn’t want to pay child maintenance could just not show up at the registrars.

and please listen to everyone saying the baby gets your surname.

Also, I bet he will back off once the reality of an actual baby is staring at him in the face.

You poor thing, what a horrible way to be treated. I would not have this man near me at the birth. You need someone trustworthy and supportive with you not some tosser who abandoned you at 8 months pregnant. Stay away from him now and just inform him when the baby is born.
There is no way a court would grant overnights for a newborn, they need their mother. If you breastfeed, there will be no overnights till you stop.
It was very wrong of this woman to contact you and it makes me think she must be very young and naïve.
If you are unmarried he can only be placed on the birth certificate if he accompanies you to the registry. He can apply to be on it at a later date.
Do contact child maintenance after the birth, being on the birth certificate makes no difference to the claim.

Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Do not allow overnight visits under any circumstances.

Do not engage with the girlfriend in any way.

Do not allow your newborn out of your sight or out of your house. The dad can build a relationship with the baby by visiting you for say an hour a day to suit your schedule.

Once your baby is older, this can be worked on and built up.

Overnight visits are not on the cards until your baby is much older and only if a relationship is established with the father.

But my guess is that the girlfriend will get herself knocked up ASAP and they won't want to bother with your baby.

And good riddance to the treacherous piece of shit.

But don't forget the CMS.

Exactly what I was thinking.

I can't imagine any woman in their right mind, in a new relationship, contacting the recent ex of their BF and telling them that they're going to "love and look after" the ex's unborn baby and wanting to have overnight contact.

It sounds really quite unhinged imo.

Anyway, OP, this is your baby and you call the shots re contact, who supports you at the birth etc.

And I agree that your life will be much more straightforward if the father's name isn't on the birth certificate.

I hope you have an easy birth, supported by a friend or family member, and that you get all the support you need from friends and family.

Please don't listen to the people saying don't put him on the birth cert. If you're sure (which it sounds like you are) that he's the father then you have a moral responsibility not to deprive your child of that information. It can be very damaging to a child if there is ambiguity/secrecy around their background so however much this man has broken your heart you need to do what's right. The child will at times be upset/angry that dad isn't in their family and you will need to show them that you did what you could to facilitate contact. If he screws this up then that's out of your control. You can tell your child that this was on him not you.

I agree he has no right to be at the birth and I would be very bluntly telling his gf to f off if she thinks she has any say and that she will be having no contact with your child. I would as pp have said though offer regular visits to dad but at a place of your agreement. If he's serious about wanting to be in baby's life he'll take this and thank you for it. I'm afraid as awful as it is a bruised ego and a bad relationship is not a reason to deprive a child of a loving parent. If you have no reason to think the child won't be safe and loved with him then you have a moral and legal obligation to facilitate contact and courts will see it that way too