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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ordered FOR me?

236 replies

SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:26

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 28/10/2022 20:29

If you are this bad, to the point of staring at him uncomprehendingly when he says the name of a dish and leaving the room, how does he not know bad it is?

Ialwayssteamveg · 28/10/2022 20:30

I hope your are getting some help with your ED. This from someone who had one herself.

TinaYouFatLard · 28/10/2022 20:30

It sounds like he might be struggling too.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/10/2022 20:31

I really do get this as have recovered from my ED and can remember experiencing events like this myself.

I would say, from your husband’s POV, it can be absolutely exhausting and no ‘right’ answer.

Are you having help with your ED?

Original poster
SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:32

Nope. No help with anything unfortunately!

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 28/10/2022 20:36

Your husband asked you what you wanted.
You said let me look and I'll tell you.
He ignored you and ordered straightaway.

If that's what happened, that seems a bit rude.

Sparkletastic · 28/10/2022 20:38

I think he might have been trying to stop you from obsessing. However misguided it seems like he was likely trying to help.

Changingplace · 28/10/2022 20:39

Didn’t you ask him why he didn’t pass you the phone to choose your own food?

Foolsandtheirmoney · 28/10/2022 20:40

SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:32

Nope. No help with anything unfortunately!

Have you been to your GP? I would be extremely worried if I wasn't able to understand my husband when he was telling me what's for dinner. If you have been already and been fobbed off I would go back and explain how bad things are for, explain that you are having trouble with basic functioning. Surely this would warrant some kind of immediate investigation/treatment?

Leeds2 · 28/10/2022 20:40

I think it is a bit unreasonable of him to order without your input when you had said that you would look at the menu. But I expect he is worried sick about you, and doesn't know how to help? Did he order things that you have previously been ok with?
I would seriously look into getting some help.

olympicsrock · 28/10/2022 20:40

Take a deep breath- it will be fine. Just have a little bit if you can. Portions are often big so a tiny bit is ok.

Original poster
SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:41

Nobody will help me there’s not a lot I can do unfortunately. I could go into it but it’s long!! I know he’s not done it maliciously.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 28/10/2022 20:42

You don’t know what he ordered because he told you verbally?

It sounds like if it’s so bad that you can’t understand someone speaking to you at all then you maybe need to get to the GP asap. Or your could just order now from your own phone.

bellac11 · 28/10/2022 20:42

I might sort of understand his perspective if its along the lines of knowing that he might sit there for ages and ages waiting for you to make a decision, meanwhile the later you order, the longer its going to take

Im incredibly indecisive and often brain foggy and I know my OH gets reallly frustrated with how long it takes me to decide and all of our takeaways round here take ages to deliver, sometimes an hour or so, so he might mention a takeaway at say 7, if I dont decide for an hour, its then not arriving until 9 or so.

ittakes2 · 28/10/2022 20:43

do you think you might have inattentive adhd? Some people think that adhd is hyperactive behaviour and it can be but it can also be hyperactive mind. Exec function problems and trouble making decisions etc are traits plus not uncommon to have an eating disorder around control as opposed to being worried about body shape etc. I know as I have inattentive adhd.

MolliciousIntent · 28/10/2022 20:44

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LittleBearPad · 28/10/2022 20:44

Have you been to your GP? Are you assuming nothing can be done as that seems unlikely even if you have to push for help.

MarthanotMarfa · 28/10/2022 20:45

So he says “ chow mien and crispy duck” and you literally can’t understand him?
as others have said, any GP would listen to this.

Original poster
SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:46

This reply has been deleted

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What exactly do you know about my health and all the hoops I’m having to jump through? Don’t you dare say I’m not doing anything to get better.

OP posts:
AnApparitionQuipped · 28/10/2022 20:48

You just needed time to process everything, OP, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your husband meant well but made the wrong call.

You don't have to eat what he's ordered. Just see what it is and take it from there. Make yourself something easy to eat - whatever that might be in your world - if you can't eat what he's ordered and he can have the leftovers tomorrow.

Soubriquet · 28/10/2022 20:48

I have ARFID so I feel your pain.

If we have a takeaway, I always order the same thing because I know it will taste the same.

Can you bring yourself to do that? Have a specific dish you know you will eat.

That way, when he does it, you know what you’re getting.

I always have southern fried chicken and chips. Dh will ask me if I want one piece or two but that’s the extent of him asking.

Loachworks · 28/10/2022 20:48

I don't have an ED but am very underweight. I have an NHS Nutritionist/Dietitian and a gastro psychologist (who specialises in disordered eating.) What makes you think there is no help out there for you if you have a diagnosed ED?

underneaththeash · 28/10/2022 20:48

You would drive me insane OP. I would have done the same as your husband.

Soubriquet · 28/10/2022 20:50

Be warned OP. Mumsnet are not sympathetic towards adults and eating issues.

Especially those they think are just “fussy” eaters.

You should eat what you’re given and be grateful Hmm.

I would, and have actually gone without food for many days rather than eat food I can’t eat

MolliciousIntent · 28/10/2022 20:51

SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:46

What exactly do you know about my health and all the hoops I’m having to jump through? Don’t you dare say I’m not doing anything to get better.

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YOU said you're not doing anything to get better, you said you're not getting any help!

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