Husband ordered FOR me?

[SirMoose]

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

Of course I'm aware of the NHS stretches Jesus Christ.
And I'm fully aware one takeaway won't cover it.

But if someone's in desperate need of help and they can't get it through the NHS, and it was as life debilitating as the OP is making out, I'd put every penny towards getting better and having a better life.

No judgement at all - literally just writing a suggestion as OP doesn't want to discuss help she's tried to get and said the NHS is long, I suggested looking at private.

It's not gonna get better on its own let's be honest.

Don't explain yourself love. The majority of us are not complete idiots. That one comment really stood out though because I couldn't believe the fucking stupidity of it.
I thankfully got private counselling through work, I saw the invoice and I wouldn't have been able to pay one session per month! And oh yeah I might spend £10 on a takeaway. So fuck? I do sympathise though, it seems pretty much every bloody service is stretched to breaking now.

Really? You can't believe this? My friend had an ED and despite me and her family begging the doctors to help, there was none. She nearly had to die before she got help

OP I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. I'm so sorry you're struggling.I think he probably thought he was helping bc as you said you've been struggling with decsions at the moment. Just a little chat about how you'd prefer him to give you the phone next time so you can think it over for a few minutes will probably be enough. I hope you can get some help soon, it's awful how cut back our services are right now. We pay enough tax in this country that we shouldn't have to resort to private! 💕

Decision making is a big tell when my loved ones are struggling. I think that you are hurting right now.

I know that the support is limited/non-existent. Private help is few and far between.

You know that food is your best medicine. If you're currently generally struggling, could you tell DH? Perhaps you need to give up control over food to him completely until you find decision making natural again? Can you follow the 3+3? You are strong, you can fight through this 💪

In terms of work, do they know that you have an ED? ED's are a protected characteristic under the Equality act. They have to make reasonable adjustments for you. But only if you are comfortable telling them.

Everyone is tolerant of MH issues until a symptom is something they can’t understand. OP I’ve never had an ED but I do have Bipolar. I have begged for help since my diagnosis…haven’t seen a psychiatrist since June 2021 and I am considered high risk, awaiting review of my medicine…it is awful & I understand exactly what you mean about no help.

I also understand needing to see something written down, takeaways are a huge source of stress for me - hearing food listed off with pressure to choose one would cause me to meltdown although I expect some PPs would call me dramatic. I need to sit with a menu in front of me for a little while and go over it all in my head. It is an anxiety thing for me & those I regularly get takeaway are so patient.

Absolutely no help for you but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone feeling like this - it’s a minefield and things that seem small to others can feel like the end of the world!

Sounds like maybe you should steer clear of takeaways? Your husband deserves our sympathy too.

I’m glad you’ve had some nourishment OP and all is well with your DP again. No experience with ED but it sounds v difficult for both of you. You recognise your challenges and that he wasn’t doing it maliciously.

Hope you get some help. Do you think your executive function is related to the ED or separate? Suppose I’m asking if you are v underweight and your body is struggling to get enough substance, or something else.

I have bipolar too.

They won’t let me have my medication anymore, and no team wants to deal with me so I’ve been discharged from everywhere. I’ve just been left completely to try and manage to myself.

@SirMoose I apologise for saying you refused treatment. I'm not in the UK and I had no idea how bad your healthcare system was until I read this thread.

In my country someone with your problems would be able to see a GP for a treatment plan.

I have an ed and the way it fucks with your head is unreal.
I genuinely can only consider foods that I know I can easily purge. Even if I don't do it, I need to know I can. I wouldn't appreciate DH ordering for me.
I've been back and forth to the drs for years and so far all they've done is pop me on sertaline and hand me a talking matters leaflet.

I think rather than trying to be mean I think posters are just really surprised that someone that can't understand 'chicken curry and rice' for instance can't access help.
I'm not in the UK so do t know about your health service but I know if I went to my gp and said that last night my husband told me we were having baked potato and beans for dinner and I couldn't understand what he was saying I would receive help straight away. I'm a 36 year old woman so not to be able to comprehend something as basic as what's for dinner would be seen as really, really serious. I'm sorry that it isn't in the UK.

I’ve rang my gp everyday for 2 weeks and I can’t even get through most days, let alone get an appointment. It’s horrendous.

Again that’s not what I said is it? He reeled off a list of food items and I couldn’t process it all. Which is exactly what I put in my op.

OP I'm really sorry that he removed your capacity to make your own decision about your meal, he was BU there. I'm also sorry you've had to deal with a lot of shitty responses on here. I hope you can switch off from this and enjoy your evening.

Your opening post resonated with me though mainly thinking about quite different contexts. Does your husband hate being around stressed people / tend to prioritise reducing / removing stress reactions above all else? Mine does and it can be massively counterproductive - I've got a problem I need to solve (whether that be a decision to make or a difficulty to communicate or whatever), and I'm not finding it easy so get a bit emotional about it. Bingo, DH tries to solve it for me by giving me an answer at a stroke, in order for the problem to go away. And of course that doesn't suit at all because I needed to work through the emotional response in order to deal with making the decision myself and feeling comfortable with it.

Possibly you need to tell your husband something along the lines of "Just because I'm stressed about deciding something, doesn't mean that you taking it away by deciding for me, will remove the stress"

Good luck getting some more medical /psychology support too.

Wtf. Anyone who starts a thread to discuss their problems is seeking attention. That's the whole point of roughly 80% of this site. It's a good thing, seeking attention when you need some attention to help you out.

You've said you can't even understand what your husband says if he lists it out. You need help.
I'm not sure what this says about me but I don't think it's that unusual that someone reeling off a list of options and expecting you to pick several can make your brain freeze up. I too would be like "no, let me read it".

The most important lesson from my therapies was that being an adult doesn't mean being 100% ready at all times.

My troubles aren't at the same level as yours, but I know pieces of it.
I can be tired to the extent I need to read the menu to get it. And it is ok. From the moment I understood it can be a thing, I can recognise it and say so, from that moment it stopped being an issue.
My partner can be tired or overwhelmed to the extend he doesn't want to pick in unknown place. When it happens, I can do a quick preselection and suggest one or two options within his general preferences, he just confirms and it is fine as well.

Sounds that you know about your troubles, you know what would help you (seeing the menu). Mention it to your partner once in a calm situation. Next time if you get stuck either of you will be more prepared to say "maybe seeing it would help".

Of course, it would be great if you manage to get some support. Until it happens, listen to your needs. Seeing the menu isn't that big deal

Same, unless I know without looking what’s definitely on the menu I’d much rather read through myself and decide than have someone listing off random things off the menu at me.

I am fully aware how difficult it is to get help for an ED. It can be a very long process and utterly frustrating and I’m sorry you are having to deal with it,OP. I did eventually get the help I needed but it took ages and I had a really excellent GP who really went above and beyond for me. I know that isn’t the case for everyone and it is well known that mental health services are hard to access and less than perfect - as they ever were. I just want to wish you all the best and hope you find a way of getting more support.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie.
I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

I don't have an eating disorder or any other food/medical/anxiety issues, but if we had decided in the morning to have takeaway I would already know by the time we were ordering what I was having. I go on the menu during the day and choose my food ready for the evening. Even though I pretty much always have the same things anyway.

I hope you and your husband both get the support you need. It must be very frustrating for both of you

SirMoose I really hope you are able to find help. I have never suffered with an eating disorder so have no understanding whatsoever but i take forever to make up my mind what i want from the takeaway , my family get so hacked waiting for me as they end up so hungry, maybe your husband just fed up waiting, he is only human after all. Try not to be too upset, you are both trying to cope with this.

Honestly, I’d be totally confused if my Dh was reeling off loads of options. I also like to look at the menu and add my own stuff, even though 90% of the time, I get the same thing. You say your Dh was trying to help, but I’d feel that he was being impatient. The control thing (you wanting to control your choices by looking yourself) is-imo-totally normal.

I hope you can access some support, OP, it sounds really difficult what you’re going through.