Husband ordered FOR me?

[SirMoose]

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

Gosh there are some horrible posts on here, just awful. OP I’m so sorry you had to read them.

My daughter is anorexic and I wouldn’t dream of ordering anything for her as it would lead to her eating nothing and cause huge upset. One day she’ll get there but not at the moment. As carers we do mess up, forget or get tired of it. It’s not a reflection on you or anybody’s fault it’s just the fault of the ED which you can’t help.

Draw a line under it, explain to your Dh and tomorrow is a new day.

I assume, like most of us, you have 2/3 takeaways you are likely to order from? Take an hour or two today to go through the menus, do any 'checks' you like and highlight your choices so that you don't have to stress over the next takeaway and partner can't make the same mistake again.
Then, contact Beat, the UK eating disorder charity. Speaking as someone who has lived with a person with a long term and very serious eating disorder, you are being unreasonable and I doubt you are seeking as much help as you're saying. Both are completely standard, control related symptoms of an ED.
Seeking solutions, solace or validation on the internet will probably only feed the disorder (forgive the pun). I wish you the best of luck as it's a truly poisonous disease once it digs in.

There's something seriously, seriously wrong with a person who thinks it's ok to comment on this post and call this woman bizarre and a control freak.
If you've nothing nice to say, just fuck right off.
@SirMoose I think I know what you mean about GP appointments. My old one I had to ring at 8.30am, was placed in a queue and there was still none for that day, I'd be told to ring back tomorrow. They refused to book in advance. They'd only do this if you actually got an appointment and the GP decided you needed to be seen in 2 weeks, magically could book one then.
Now how do you suppose this woman arrange this around work? It's impossible.
I did change doctors, that was just one of the reasons, anyway I asked my current practice how the appointments work and they will book in advance, if there's no same day. If there's any other GP practices, it may be worth switching if their system is better. Not just for this but just to get treatment for short term illnesses is so much easier.

It's interesting how many people are assuming your ED is anorexia or bulimia.

I am a binge-eater/over-eater/out-of-control eater. If I get a takeaway I have to choose because, in my mind, I know it is "bad" food and I'm "bad" for eating it, but if I can choose a healthier or limited option then that's not as "bad".

If someone else was to order 10 items and say to me I can just take what, I would have a bit of an internal meltdown too, because I will want it ALL. A bit of everything. Way more than I would have if I'd got to choose the main and side myself.

Then the battle of moderation vs binging begins. I'll try all my tricks - take a small portion so I can go back for seconds, swear to keep leftovers for tomorrow etc. But in the end I will eat everything and absolutely loath myself for it and hate the other person for putting me in that position, especially if they know I have trouble with this because it feels like sabotage. Like a personal attack. And it just reminds me of my patheticness, weakness and inability to control myself.

If it is a binge-eating disorder you have, then you have my total sympathy because there really is not much help or recognition out there. Ignorant fucks just see you as greedy and glutinous and think you simply just need to stop eating so much.

If you made the decision to order a take away this morning why did you not take some quiet time to decide what you wanted to eat and avoid the pressure in the evening?

Because we didn’t decide what we were getting until the evening

I am confused why you are being denied medication and discharged from care with such severe mental health issues ?

Well, this is outing to anyone who knows me but whatever.

I came off my meds Uber GP guidance 2 years ago to conceive. Was under perinatal care during my pregnancy and tried a few different medications that I reacted badly to so we agreed to remain unmedicated but closely monitored until baby was born. Baby was born and I breastfed for 9 months, with a plan drawn up by my consultant psychiatrist through the perinatal team to be started back on lithium via the GP as soon as I had stopped breastfeeding. All great!
Consultant left the perinatal service so I had to be discharged from them as they are now nurse led. Transferred to adult mental health team. Psychiatrist, who has never made contact with, not a phone call or anything has decided I’m fine and don’t need and meds anymore and has refused to prescribe them and discharged me from the adult mental health service. GP doesnt agree and said he will write back but this was 3 months ago. NHS counselling won’t see me as I have an eating disorder. Eating disorders won’t see me as my mental health is so bad. Primary care phoned yesterday and after me crying down the phone and telling them I don’t even want to live anymore they discharged me from their service too as I’m in more need than what they can provide. GP I can’t get through too at all.
Ironically I work in mental health myself so I’m fully aware that the way I’ve been tested is appalling and I’m just starting a process of going through PALS to make a complaint.
Last night was just supposed to be a nice evening suggested by my husband which it was. I just wanted him to pass me the phone so I could enter my own order. I don’t think that makes me controlling. That’s what usually happens if we order food.

Is your baby at risk?

Wow.

OP I’m currently going through PALS for my son who has been hugely let down by adult services. The care is shocking at the moment and unless you’re attempting to battle your way through it the world out there has no idea.

That's all you have to say??? Your empathy knows no bounds.

OP has bipolar and requires lithium she isn’t receiving and isn’t close to getting help she needs. Lithium is no joke. Bipolar is no joke. Totally reasonable question. Im
empathetic but also it’s reasonable to ask if the baby is at risk.

Are you? Knowing mental health services are so stretched, GPs have achieved nearly invisible status in some areas, you will almost never see one and the general state the NHS is in, you are surprised? I can only assume you don't live in the UK and aren't familiar with the behemoth that is the NHS.

I don't have MH problems but I am under the care of a consultant neurologist for a chronic pain condition. I have been fobbed off onto a nurse led clinic also like OP was and haven't been seen by my cons for over 3 and a half years despite me making a complaint to them approx a year ago. The nurse has discharged me as there's nothing more he can do, as it's outside of his scope now and the cons seems to have forgotten I exist. I was left to cope on my own during pregnancy when I had to go cold turkey on my meds. I was in a very bad state, GP wouldn't touch it as I'm apparently under a cons. It's a joke.

Sorry to hijack your post OP but I'm astonished that people don't realise the NHS is on its knees.

How’s it going? They were very quick wit sorting out my issues with my midwifery care but I want to give making contact with my gp a bit more of a go before I go to PALS.

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at the comments telling op to just go to the gp to "sort" the problem with auditory processing. Oh you sweet summer children.
I've struggled with ED in the last couple of years and I have always had problems with auditory processing, I understand the struggle and would have hated that too op 💐

You've said you can't even understand what your husband says if he lists it out. You need help. I suspect OP just means her head goes into panic mode and stops listening, due to her anxiety regarding the subject matter. I am similar if people start to read lists at me - but due to irritability, because* *I just want to see it!

Yeah I don’t think it’s that unusual for people to struggle with big lists being read out to them!

plus I didn’t want to choose something from a list that he’s read out, I wanted to read the whole menu!

@Spottingtwerps instead of trying to call everyone out for being mean or lack of empathy, a lot of posters have valid points.

Asking if baby is at risk is valid. Lithium is strong stuff and OP isn't medicated atm.

There's nothing wrong with people saying about private care perhaps and taking takeaways out of it, if it's going to cause this much of a fallout.

I originally voted YABU because I thought your DH was trying to help you by ordering for you.

However the more I read the more I think your DH was being very unreasonable. If it’s your usual thing for him to pass you the phone then why didn’t he this time? He may have thought he was helping, but surely someone who should know you inside out should know that this would have been a trigger for you.

Does he support you in other ways with your illness and is this situation with the menu just a one off?

Yes he’s supportive as he can be with limited understanding. He also had his own health condition that he’s struggling with and I’m supporting him with that so don’t want to put too much into him.

Maybe DH has just had it - dealing with someone with these sorts of issues would be exhausting

I was going to suggest PALS but see you are doing that. I have found them a bit slow (&
my PALS worker was strangely judgemental) but did get the outcome we wanted eventually. It sounds like you need to get back to the consultant or equivalent. I’m sorry OP It sounds really hard.

I would stop posting/reading this thread if I were OP. I don’t have MH issues and if people were making comments to me as they have you I would be upset.

Pretty sure, no actually I am very sure I haven't called 'everyone' out. I haven't got time for that, some posters do have valid points. I believe I've commented on 2- 3 posts. Hardly a lot. I never said the question wasn't valid, I said her empathy knows no bounds. It was a blunt question, taking no account of anything else the OP had said and it wasn't empathetic! OP appears to have good insight and is trying to help herself, if only the NHS would respond sufficiently. There is a husband also at home and the OP works so is capable of getting out and being a functioning human being albeit struggling to do so. It's quite a leap to then blurt out, is your baby at risk? What is meant in this instance by, at risk? At risk of what, fr exactly whom?