Husband ordered FOR me?

[SirMoose]

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

I just thought he’d pass me the phone like he usually does so I could add my order.

I think Soubriquet was aiming this comment at the posters who are saying the OP was being unreasonable, rather than the OP herself; Soubriquet has pointed out that she also struggles to eat anything at all for long periods of time - i.e. it is not a matter of "fussy eating" as some pps have suggested.

Yabu purely because it does sound like he was trying to help and logically you have no reason to panic but EDs aren't logical or straightforward so it makes perfect sense you're reacting the way you are. Can you take a moment, do some breathing exercises to calm the panicked feeling first of all and then get him to write down what he's ordered if that's easier for you to process? Then you have a chance to think that through before it actually arrives? Would probably be worth having a chat with your dh about the affect this had on you and maybe try to give him some ways he can support you that you would actually find helpful so in future he knows what to do?

@MolliciousIntent you clearly haven't read OPs post properly and your attitude kind of sucks. In certain areas like where I live the support for ED is practically non existent and people needing intensive support need to move country to access it. The waiting lists can be super long and thresholds are high which is a disgrace.

Op keep pushing, you deserve to get support and get to a place where you feel emotionally healthy.

If you get too stressed to even be able to comprehend the words your husband is saying when he is telling you in a casual conversation what he is ordering, how on earth could he expect you to be able to instantly reel off what you wanted when handed a phone with an employee wanting your order on a busy Friday night?

ah, OP. I hope your DH can agree to go along with what you need from him next time, so that you can eat. I'm hoping that when the meal comes you can find a way to look at it like a smorgasbord - there just for you, and only eat what you can enjoy.

Sounds horrible to live with for both of you, he was probably trying to make it a painless experience for you. I'm not sure I get how failure to understand what say 'tikka masala' is, if it's being said verbally has to do with the ED?

We order on Deliveroo.

The example you cite sounds like the tip of an iceberg. He is struggling too I imagine.

As a matter of urgency make a double appointment with your GP to talk through where you are with all this. Then if you possibly can book in with an eating disorder specialist privately - it will be quicker while the NHS grinds its gears. I think the BEAT charity has a database of therapists. It’s essential you get someone with experience of EDs. Talk to a few.

In the meantime it sounds like talking to your husband a bit more would be good, to keep your connection going.

Do get help asap though OP, you do not sound well and without treatment EDs generally get worse.

Hmm I know someone with ADHD and she stares at the menu for over an hour before ordering. She always has to choose the place but takes way too long to choose one. It's infuriating. It's interesting to hear what she might be going through mentally. Neither of you are wrong. The way I solved it was that I just don't get takeaways with this person any more. We order separately. Sometimes it means she doesn't get round to ordering or it comes at 10pm but that's for her to figure out. To us it seems like surely she would prefer to just order early and get it done but obviously you all have your reasons. Just order for yourself next time and don't involve each other.

He was probably hungry

Hi OP - your response to the whole situation is very disordered.

I’m not sure what you want out of this thread? You have acknowledged that you have an ED and everything you’ve written had confirmed that.

a person without an ed would have just decided what they wanted.

if the situation really was thst your husband was being a dickhead - a healthy response would be to be announced with him
ans then either ear what comes or order something else. Itneojodbt be to spiral into feeling out of control.

i hope you get some supportive and effective treatment

Personally, I think when the op said, "I'll look in a minute", he thought, "o oh, I know what that means. I'd better order now if I want food tonight!" Lol

@Loachworks

If you have a gastro psychologist who specialises in disordered eating, surely you do have an ED?

This. Feel sorry for your husband. Get help for your own, and his sake.

Are you struggling with comprehension?

OP didn't choose to have an ED. She's not choosing to be irrational. What a horrible and stupid comment, do you always say whatever silly thoughts you have in your little head?

Some truly nasty, ablist posts on this thread. Really nasty.

"You should do something about your executive dysfunction" WTAF?!

And people deliberately misunderstanding sarcasm to take offence.

OP YANBU to be upset but equally your DH was NBU to just get on with ordering. Can I gently ask, are you currently taking a very long time to make food-related decisions and could he have been trying to ensure food arrived at a reasonable time? I know it doesn't make it better that he took the choice away from you today but perhaps when it takes you a long time to decide, it might be taking the choice away from him because eventually it gets so late that no one has eaten. It sounds like he is usually supportive.

I've been in the situation of someone asking me what I want then telling me a big list of what's on the menu instead of letting me look and I don't have an ED and found it infuriating (but I do have an executive function disorder).

An eating disorder is often about control so it must have been difficult that you were made to feel out of control with your food decision tonight.

I hope you feel better about things soon. Ignore the idiots whose own misery is so desperate for company.

I have ADHD and the executive dysfunction is unreal. I can't process long verbal lists, my brain will go elsewhere. I need to read it. It's much like how I can't understand what's on the telly without subtitles on.
If I'm eating out, I need to know the restaurant well in advance so I can read the menu. Although I still can't make a decision in a timely manner. I expect I piss everyone off, but it's not like it's something I can help. Even medicated.
It must be even harder with an ED. YANBU imo.

I think you need to seek professional help, if you have not done so already.

You're not a twat but you do need to make moves to communicate to your husband that you need to order yourself on his phone, and to try to resolve this as much as EDs can ever be resolved.

I have a relative who is sort of semi-recovered from an ED, but I never eat with her. She's been known to cry over the menu and then over the food and talk about nothing during the me except what everyone is eating. I know it's not her fault but it's just too much for me and if I lived with her I don't think I could handle it.

Are there any online counselling services that might be easier to access?

Its hard to judge really. I was bulimic for many years and am autistic and so I do relate to your reactions, but I also have sympathy for your husband who it sounds like he just wanted to order a takeaway without drama but ended up making it worse. It sounds like you arent in a good place, and are expecting him to understand the day to day nuances of your psychiatric stuff. He wont always get it right.

Are you autistic?

Neither of you have done anything wrong. Neither of you are at fault. This has happened and you feel this way because of your illness.
When you feel able, explain to your DH what you've told us here. Its very clear and articulate and sets out what you needed. He will then know how to behave in this situation in the future.
I hope you get the help you need and feel better soon.

Some of the replies on this thread are extremely weird.

He shouldn't have ordered for you without asking. If, due to the circumstances, he genuinely thinks he's helping then you have to tell him he's not and that you want/need to choose your own food. If it takes you a long time to choose, perhaps it would have helped if the two of you decided in the morning where to order from so you could look at the menu and think over the course of the day? It's too late for tonight but the right thing for him to have done is to call the restaurant and add what you wanted if you weren't comfortable eating what he chose.

I don’t take any longer than 5 minutes to add my order I just need to see it written down in front of me and so I can check it off. I also don’t feel embarrassed the same way if I just check it off myself than if I had to list what food I wanted verbally. It’s just something I need to do on my own, I don’t like people getting involved with what I eat it makes me feel so ashamed. I know that’s my issue!

Hi @SirMoose
Am so sorry for what you've experienced tonight - both with your DH and on this thread.
I'm a parent of a19 yr old with anorexia (she's in recovery - but those who are familiar with the ED world will know that recovery is fragile). I read your post and heard your anxiety and fragility.

Making decisions about a takeaway with an ED is tricky and am so sorry that your DH didn't let you work through your solutions. If my DD decided/agreed to a takeaway I'd be bending over backwards to make it ok for her and am so sorry this didn't happen for you.

I get having to look and re-look at menus, I understand the pressure your ED voice will have been giving you when your preferred route was denied to you.

take care

Maybe he was hungry and just wanted to get on with it.