Husband ordered FOR me?

[SirMoose]

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

Like Joey, I don't share food and noone orders for me, so ED or not, I would not be a happy bunny. Get the menu back up on your phone, see what you like, see if he has ordered it - if not, order it now. Whatever he chose, he can eat as leftovers tomorrow for lunch. Job done.

You need to see your GP and explore therapy or anxiety meds.

Is the ED and the executive functioning related?

What help have you tried to get? I refuse to believe a GP turned you away.

It's not fair on your husband to be this unwell and refuse treatment.

I can't imagine all the eggshells he has to walk on every day. Can't even relax by ordering a takeaway at the end of the day, your illness hijacked the experience and made it about that.

Yes usually it's just basic manners to give you the phone and let you order yourself but this isn't a usual situation and so I'm not going to judge his actions by that.

What treatment have I refused?

I also don't believe anybody here - who specifically said to their other half - I'll look in a minute, would be happy to have their choice hijacked.
Cannot believe the voting. Ridiculous.

What do you mean its long to get help OP?

If it's long for you, its also long for the others around you. You seem quite resistant to get help - if your husband knows this he might've ordered your food to save an argument in your head. I don't think he's done anything wrong but appreciate it will be a trigger for you.

But you've literally said if he reads a list of foods, you literally cannot understand or process what he is saying. That will make life so draining. You need to get help OP. If the NHS is letting you down, I'd cut back on the takeaways and save to go private. You need help desperately.

No it’s long to explain the story which I also don’t actually owe to anyone on this thread!

Angel, you are going to miss out on your movie AND your takeaway at this rate. Your partner sounds approachable. Go back downstairs and go back on deliveroo now. Choose your dinner. All will be well x

Firstly, I have so much respect for you to post this and be so honest about your ED. I cannot begin to understand how it feels.

I am mum to a 13yo with an ED and friend to a 40yo who has a different ED so my perspective is a little different. Sometimes both DD and DF need someone to step in at meal times and give them what they need. To help them push past those times when ED is whispering in their ears and hurting them. I often have to make decisions for them, could this be what your DH is trying to do? I know that it is really tough for you. I also know that your DH is trying to be there for you.

Us carers can be clumsy sometimes, sometimes we have a need ourselves to just push on. If you are struggling to make a decision then he is trying to help. I'd try to go easy. I don't think that he is being "controlling " in the abusive sense but I could be wrong.

Are you struggling with making other decisions? I think that you might need a bit of extra support atm.

Could you have a chat with your DH about how you are struggling with Decision-making and maybe find a strategy which works? Maybe limit the number of choices etc to make it easier.

Sending you strength and support.

You sound quite hard to reason with.

Stop spending money on takeaways and put it towards getting private care then, if the NHS is long as you've said.

You've said you can't even understand what your husband says if he lists it out. You need help.

I’ve eaten now :)

And you sound awful 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is me too and it’s what I would do.

ED aside, OP I’m wondering if there’s more of a backstory between you and your partner if, maybe after the initial upset has passed, you don’t simply stand up for yourself this way.

My god. I haven't read the full thread but I've read the OPs responses and her post. Not once did she say she's refused help. Not once. GPs refer you to places for specific support. There's no magic pill for this. Do people realise how much these services are stretched. I've been put on a waiting list for counselling. 9 months and still no appointments. Am I refusing help?? I've waited for a pediatric appointment for my DS for 6 months. What do you want us to do? Visit the GP for what?
@SirMoose do not engage with any more replies like that. Don't waste your time explaining yourself. I don't know much about ED, I admit but I do know the majority are around control. So you need to control what you eat, how, when etc and that's been snatched away from you. From your DPs point of view, he may think he's been helpful here. It's something I would have done, if I thought you were stressing. Please speak to him to explain how its made you feel, otherwise he may do this again thinking it's the right thing.
I hope you get help somewhere, somehow.

I’m really struggling with making decisions atm. I’m getting into trouble at work too. I just feel so let down by the mental health services in my area. I’ve been left completely on my own and I don’t know what to do anymore. We looked into private health insurance today but they don’t cover ore existing conditions which we both have so wouldn’t be any help to us.

Of course you don't, but we can only go on what you give us.

And so do you!

He definitely was trying to help. I know it’s my reaction that was bad.
Weve have a cuddle and everything is ok. I’m just worried about how poorly I’m managing atm.

I shouldn't laugh but this is really funny. Like the price of one takeaway will cover the cost of private health care.
Shame on every one of you bullying this poor woman. Because that's what it is, fucking bullying.
Hope you're all proud, kicking someone when they're down.

@feedthepeony You don't think the NHS is overstretched at the moment and there are long waiting lists? One takeaway is not going to cost the same as private healthcare. What a nasty, judgemental comment

Sending hugs. He needed to listen to you. You were struggling. But maybe he thought he was being helpful. I hope your ok x

You're managing as best you can. Well done for opening up to him, try and do this more often. Maybe there's some online support somewhere? I'm not sure if there is or if you would even find it helpful. I've no advice at all sorry, just really wanted to wish you all the best and I hope you can get through this

I know right. My local private hospital is 95 pounds just for an inital consultation! Not to mention costs of my medication, ongoing follow up appointments, weekly blood tests. Plus my local private hospital doesn’t even offer mental health services.

@CoffeeLover90
Calm down love.

I'm glad you find it funny. I find it funny too that you think it's 'bullying' because I suggested looking into private care for help of the NHS have let the OP down.

If that's what you think bullying is then I'd hate to think what actual bullying would look like to you.

OP, I'm sorry you are struggling and have received such nasty responses here. You don't owe anyone here an explanation. Accessing help on the NHS is hard but I hope you can get the help you need.

I don't think you were unreasonable, but I don't think your DH did anything maliciously. He probably thought he was being helpful.

Been there. I have BED but am going through a bit of a restrictive phase. Tried to figure out what I wanted for dinner tonight and totally clammed up. Wife brought me a plate and I did massively panic as I had no idea what I was having but I ate 3/4 of it.

Eating disorders are life ruining and so hard to manage. I'm so sorry. Can you engage in support from BEAT? They have been so helpful to me and my issues. They have some brilliant resources and they're excellent advocates.