Husband ordered FOR me?

[SirMoose]

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

You literally said "there’s not a lot I can do unfortunately".

Is your executive functioning so poor that you can't understand what your husband is saying to you? That has to be incredibly frustrating for him, and you should take steps to try and address it.

No I didn’t . I said no one will help me, not that I haven’t been trying.

Your comment is in poor taste to someone struggling with what is apparently a very serious eating disorder.

The OP doesn’t even know what the food is, the problem isn’t that it is food she can’t or won’t eat.

Maybe read the post properly before picking up on other people being ‘unsympathetic’ while posting the most tone deaf comment on the thread.

Some unfair comments.

You have to tread carefully with people with ED's. What is a PITA for you literally rules their life.

I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to actively have an ED let alone having to admit to one.

You have every right to be upset. You felt is was the one thing in your control and now you feel worried and anxious.

Take the time you need and do the best you can at what you can eat x

can you try and have a serious talk with your DH so he understands more about your issues?

Do you know how much support there is for an adult who has an eating disorder? If they aren’t bulimic or anorexic, doctors don’t want to know.

I got referred to therapy after a huge battle. The therapist saw me 3 times, recognised I wasn’t bulimic or anorexic, and that I wanted to eat but couldn’t and discharged me.

Diagnosed with anorexia at 17 and spent a decade in and out of of hospitals. The only person who can truly help you is you. Are you motivated to recover? There are lots of support groups in person an online, and books and things you can do.

You clearly did not read my posts properly either.

Yep, you’re being unreasonable l, or rather, your eating disorder manifests itself in unreasonable behavior around food.
Could you pretend the food is like the menu once it arrives and do your little ritual based on the food that’s in front of you?

YANBU to feel overwhelmed, stressed and upset because this is a significant challenge for you.

But also your DH is not unreasonable for thinking that maybe ordering for you would be helpful. It’s one of those situations where the other person doesn’t really know what will help, they can’t really get it right. So they just make a choice on how to act / what to say or do and hope for the best.

it’s extremely challenging having a partner with poor mental health. Maybe he does understand the depths of it but is naively hopeful?

If you can why don’t you just explain to him when you’ve calmed down, something like I appreciate you probably thought it would help but in the future I really do like to read the menu and choose my own food.

If you’re clear about it, then he knows how to act. If you’re not clear about it then he kind of has to guess what is going to be the best way to handle something

Exactly this. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed OP?

I’ve had a good talk with him this afternoon about how worried I am. I know he is worried too but he’s one of those super laid back types who remains positive and calm so I can never really tell how much he actually understands. It’s all just a mess atm.

I have no idea how much support there is for an adult who has an eating disorder. I was talking about addressing the executive functioning issues.

Crying? Ok... 🙄

I think this is a very good idea. Does he have the takeaway menu he ordered from? Can he give you the numbers of the items he ordered (write them down) so that you can have a look and prepare yourself?

"Pass me the phone so I can choose what I want"

Sorted

Sorry OP but I feel for your husband here.

yes it’s your health issue but it must be difficult for him too. You have had all day as you said to think about this so why were you struggling when it came to actually ordering? He’s tried to be kind and take a stress off you.

Good luck with managing your ED going forward. I think you should try to be forgiving of your husband if he doesn’t always appear to know exactly the best way to support you but it sounds like you already are to some extent. It’s good that you talked afterwards, in any case.

Could you forward back to the Dr who diagnosed you for help?

Could you ask him to txt you what he's ordered? just so you can see it in writing and have a look through so it's not a surprise when it arrives and you can have an idea of what you think you could manage from the choices there. Try and think of it as a mini menu

Rogue forward there!

OP, I"m sorry you are having this horrid anxiety around food, it sounds exhausting and debilitating. However, it sounds like you had plenty of time to decide what you wanted - to read the menu, argue in your head about what you wanted, then decide. Were you not able to make yourself do that, thus leaving it to your DH to feel the need to decide for you? I'd be annoyed at that, truthfully. What exactly did you want him to do? Seriously, what could he have done better in this case - that would have meant you had food delivered at a reasonable hour?

I'm not getting at you. I'm trying to point out that you could make a plan for this in the future, maybe.

I do hope you get help soon, this is no way to live.

Some harsh responses here imo, I hope you're ok OP.

If someone started reeling off a load of options off a menu I'd struggle to absorb that information as well so I'd find that annoying in itself and would prefer to read a menu myself.

I'd also be quite annoyed if my husband ordered something on my behalf, but I suppose if you always go through the menu in great detail and take a long time to decide and then order the same thing anyway then I can kind of understand it more.

I hope whatever arrived was ok for you and you're feeling a bit better now x

I know full well that is not how you meant it but this is a thread that will attract readers with ED, a couple of whom will see your admission that you will starve yourself as thinspo. I think that is what was 'tone deaf'.

i get it, OP, i hate it when people just give me lists of stuff and expect me to choose. I need to see it myself so i can choose