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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want him to live with us anymore?

191 replies

RasDonavin · 27/10/2022 23:30

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/10/2022 23:36

Definitely not unreasonable.

But why did you turn the WiFi back on?! Turning it off was not unreasonable, he couldnt control his volume so he can't play while DD is trying to sleep.

Tomorrow morning, I'd wake him up and with DH tell him that abusive behaviour will not be tolerated, pack up and get out.

ExtraJalapenos · 27/10/2022 23:37

Jesus.
Get this leech out. (I don't even care if I get flamed for this).

His own mum can be responsible for him. She will probably tell him to go take a hike too!

minou123 · 27/10/2022 23:37

No, you are not unreasonable.

The behaviour isn't good. Especially ially being too loud when your DD I asleep. I know he swore at you, but I would not have turned it back on.
Go and turn it back off! If he can't speak to you in a reasonable manner, then he doesnt get to have the benefit of wifi.

This is your house Op., not his. He has to behave.
If he wants to play the adult, then he either goes home to his mum or he finds his own place.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 23:41

Tell him that he is leaving, immediately. He has worn out his welcome and his disrespect is absolutely unacceptable. I would tell him he has until tomorrow at 5pm to leave and go back to his mother's.

SundayFunde · 27/10/2022 23:43

Absolutely to the above.

His behaviour is unacceptable. He needs to go. He needs to understand he cannot behave like this.

PickAChew · 27/10/2022 23:44

You were perfectly justified in turning the WiFi off. He is not behaving reasonably.

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 23:53

Can you sit him down with a cuppa and take a supportive approach first and say you've noticed a big change in him from when he was really settled and doing well and ask what he thinks has happened. Ask him if he's still happy living with you or if he's changed his mind on it. If he says he's happy living with you then I'd say that if he wants to continue he needs to respect the boundaries in your home and everyone else who lives there and in turn you will all respect him. Just be really straight with him most young people that age prefer that because then they know exactly where they stand. Sounds to me like the gf might not be a great influence and like something is working in the background there so I'd want to know what that is before jumping straight to kicking him out if it's only been the last 8 weeks and he was doing great before that. I'd say that if he doesn't want to be at his course any more that's fine but he can't be sitting about all day so he either needs to join a youth programme or find himself a job. If he digs in and refuses your boundaries then you tell him he needs to go back to living with mum because your boundaries are not negotiable because you have other kids in the house to think of. If you put boundaries down though you have to be ready to follow through, so for example I wouldn't have turned the WiFi back on I'd have stated clearly that he's woken the child up twice and he was warned and this is the direct result of the choice he made to continue to be loud. You obviously have had a good relationship with him and he's enjoyed staying with you and benefited from that so I'd try and work with him if you can because it does sound like something has happened.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/10/2022 23:57

I’d be interested to see where a “we need to talk about last night” opener took you. His behaviour was entirely unacceptable, but if he was remorseful and promised not to repeat it and to respect your ground rules, I’d give him another chance. Just the one though.

lamaze1 · 28/10/2022 00:12

You're not his parent. It's your home. Your priority needs to be your daughter and protecting your family dynamic. I'd absolutely tell him he had to leave.

Original poster

RasDonavin · 28/10/2022 00:13

I turned the wifi back on due to the shouting and swearing, after he did stop talking loudly, I know it wasn't ideal to give in but that was the only way i’d have been able to settle DD.

OP posts:

ToFindNewWays · 28/10/2022 00:15

Yes time for him to leave.

Isithotinhere · 28/10/2022 00:15

You've been great to take him in so it sounds like a positive relationship for him, but he has to respect your boundaries and face up to the poor choices he's making.

I agree with the PPs who'd suggested to talk to him about how unacceptable his behaviour is and tell him he needs to be in college or working if he's going to still stay with you, and draw up house rules - girlfriend not to come over if you don't want her to, no shouting, reasonable curfew etc and if he breaks them he's out.

But if you and your husband have had enough - which is fair enough and you've been amazing to have him for so long - then I wouldn't read him the riot act and kick him out but I'd say that now things are sorted with his mum you think he should go home, you want to have some time now with just your own little family. He'll know he's messed up but will still hopefully be able to go to you for support.

lamaze1 · 28/10/2022 00:16

I get that he is a teenager, but frankly your latest update confirms he has no respect for you. Don't feel bad telling him to leave.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/10/2022 00:25

Absolutely okay to say he can’t live there anymore. He is disrespectful and you don’t have parental responsibility, send him back to his parents.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/10/2022 00:34

So he's given up on college, goes out all night or games on PlayStation?

He needs a "where is your life going" talk and see if you can support towards another course or apprenticeship. Tell him doing nothing is not an option. Also tell him aggression and being disrespectful are not options either.

Its a tough one but the only way is to be tough. Go gentle and you will be raising a cocklodger.

audeloquipalam · 28/10/2022 00:49

Of course it’s reasonable. You’re here for a confidence boost because you’re a bit worried about the “conflict” when you tell him to GTFO. Time to pull on your big girl pants.

Ivyonafence · 28/10/2022 00:51

Tell him his time staying with you has run it's course and he needs to move out. Give him a reasonable time frame to do it.

Hawkins001 · 28/10/2022 00:53

His behaviour is quite the pickle, he needs manners and respect.

All the best op

Obki · 28/10/2022 01:40

Oh God please get rid. I

deeperthanallroses · 28/10/2022 01:51

he shouted and swore at you and you gave in because otherwise you couldn’t get your child to sleep? Pack a bag and drop him home. Afternoon dn, last night was the last straw. You have not been respecting our home at all- you may prefer to live here but frankly we do not prefer to have you here when you have no respect for us and i can’t get a young child to sleep because of the noise you’re making. I think it’s time you take some responsibility- pack a bag and we will drop you at your mums, you can come back for the rest of your stuff tomorrow /on the weekend.

If you really love him you could reconsider a month from now after he’s had some growing up to do and he can move back after a good clear conversation if he will behave like a 17 year old who understands the ground rules of respectful house sharing.

BananaCocktails · 28/10/2022 01:55

Why hasn’t he got his own place?I know you love your DN otherwise you wouldn’t have let him live with you and it’s a nice thing what you’ve done -I would speak to your sister first, Before asking him to leave so that she is aware I would then speak to your nephew and put it bluntly that you don’t have to have him living in your house but if he wants to continue living there he will have to do so by your rules and if he isn’t prepared to follow those rules he will need to go back to his mum or rent somewhere or approach the council
it’s pretty poor behaviour that he has sworn at you and disrespected you like this. Tell him that He disrespected you and that will be the first and last time. That you were happy with him being there but not right now - and because he is your nephew you have put up with his behaviour however he is old enough to rent somewhere himself
if not he Can I have go back home

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2022 01:55

He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

You have terrible boundaries so yes, he has to leave because this will deteriorate.

Really work on them before your own DC hit the tween years.

PickAnyName · 28/10/2022 01:57

Your poor DD! Get him out. Does he make any financial contribution? His DM has enjoyed a break, she can have him back. He does not seem at all appreciative. 🥾

fruktsoda · 28/10/2022 02:11

Enough is enough. He's taking advantage of your kindness (and being a leech, as a PP put it). Shouting and swearing because you turned off the WiFi?! He should be ashamed of himself. I'd kick him out immediately. Straight back to his mother's, if she'll have him back.

OriginalUsername3 · 28/10/2022 02:45

Yeah I'd be packing his bags first thing in the morning and taking him to his mother's. Its not like you're chucking him on the streets.

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