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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to live with us anymore?

191 replies

RasDonavin · 27/10/2022 23:30

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP posts:
HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 28/10/2022 11:03

Is there some cultural reason why he has been living with you like this? Whatever the answer he needs to go back to his parents or you help him to find a other accommodation and he has to be out within a month - as other posters have said your boundaries are way off.

Bestcatmum · 28/10/2022 11:04

You need to tell him that you are asking him to leave because his behaviour is disrespectful and disgraceful and if he wants the benefits of living with you then he needs to behave like a grown up and contribute to the household. Then send him back to his mother.
They have to learn to behave like adults and not take the piss. It will be a valuable lesson for him.

RedWingBoots · 28/10/2022 11:07

Paleshelter · 28/10/2022 08:45

How dare he speak to you like that in YOUR home after you have been so kind and acommodating. He needs to get out of your house now.
He also needs start taking responsibility for his actions and his life. He was also being verbally abusive to you and you felt threatened enough to put the Wi-Fi back on.
It was a long time ago but I left home before 18 to work and study. What is he doing for money, I hope you aren't giving him any. Tell him today to go back to his mum's. I hope you tell your DH about his behaviour.

Did you leave home in the last 5 years?

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 28/10/2022 11:08

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/10/2022 23:36

Definitely not unreasonable.

But why did you turn the WiFi back on?! Turning it off was not unreasonable, he couldnt control his volume so he can't play while DD is trying to sleep.

Tomorrow morning, I'd wake him up and with DH tell him that abusive behaviour will not be tolerated, pack up and get out.

^^ That.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/10/2022 11:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2022 01:55

He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

You have terrible boundaries so yes, he has to leave because this will deteriorate.

Really work on them before your own DC hit the tween years.

I expect the OP was frightened. A seventeen year old male who is shouting and swearing at night when the OP was alone in her house with a young child would frighten most women, or at least , most of the ones I know. A boy who was your own child who you have raised would probably be a different proposition (although a lot of posts on here seem to indicate otherwise).

F4chrissakes · 28/10/2022 11:10

His behaviour has deteriorated since he met the girlfriend. If you boot him out is he likely to go off and live with her? And go off the rails completely?

TimeForTeaAndG · 28/10/2022 11:27

F4chrissakes · 28/10/2022 11:10

His behaviour has deteriorated since he met the girlfriend. If you boot him out is he likely to go off and live with her? And go off the rails completely?

That's not the OP's responsibility though. He is not her child.

bewarethetides · 28/10/2022 11:32

Tell him to pack his bags; he's going home.

Seriously.

Do it today.

Blueink · 28/10/2022 11:36

Another one for his Mum needs to come and take him home. Apart from his disrespectful behaviour during this last episode, he is clearly no longer thriving at your place for all the reasons stated in your OP. The arrangement you made is therefore null and void.
He’s only 17 and a child. The relationship with a 20 year old woman and his life veering off track mean it’s time for Mum to step in.
Let us know how it goes OP.

Naunet · 28/10/2022 11:39

F4chrissakes · 28/10/2022 11:10

His behaviour has deteriorated since he met the girlfriend. If you boot him out is he likely to go off and live with her? And go off the rails completely?

That’s for his mum and dad to worry about.

KimberleyClark · 28/10/2022 11:39

Does his mum give you any money for housing and feeding her child?

KatieBell12 · 28/10/2022 11:43

I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour in my house. I'd send him back to his mums ASAP

slowquickstep · 28/10/2022 11:51

Have his bags packed today and change your locks

3peassuit · 28/10/2022 11:53

Time he went back to his mum’s. He must learn that this is unacceptable.

Eweknowwhat · 28/10/2022 11:57

Has he gone yet OP?

If he hasn't this is what you do.

You tell him to pack his bags and leave. You ring his mother to come and collect him.

If she won't come or he refuses to go you call the Police. Yes, that's right call the Police.
You have been subjected to threatening behaviour in your own house and you don't have to put up with that. It's Domestic Abuse and that is a crime. Children between 10 and 17 can be arrested and taken to court if they commit a crime.

A night in the cells might just wake him up.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/10/2022 12:07

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 23:53

Can you sit him down with a cuppa and take a supportive approach first and say you've noticed a big change in him from when he was really settled and doing well and ask what he thinks has happened. Ask him if he's still happy living with you or if he's changed his mind on it. If he says he's happy living with you then I'd say that if he wants to continue he needs to respect the boundaries in your home and everyone else who lives there and in turn you will all respect him. Just be really straight with him most young people that age prefer that because then they know exactly where they stand. Sounds to me like the gf might not be a great influence and like something is working in the background there so I'd want to know what that is before jumping straight to kicking him out if it's only been the last 8 weeks and he was doing great before that. I'd say that if he doesn't want to be at his course any more that's fine but he can't be sitting about all day so he either needs to join a youth programme or find himself a job. If he digs in and refuses your boundaries then you tell him he needs to go back to living with mum because your boundaries are not negotiable because you have other kids in the house to think of. If you put boundaries down though you have to be ready to follow through, so for example I wouldn't have turned the WiFi back on I'd have stated clearly that he's woken the child up twice and he was warned and this is the direct result of the choice he made to continue to be loud. You obviously have had a good relationship with him and he's enjoyed staying with you and benefited from that so I'd try and work with him if you can because it does sound like something has happened.

This.
He's 17 and everyone deserves a second chance if he can sort out his issues.
You have been more than helpful to him.
And say that he is never to shout and swear at you like that again. You will not put up with it. He is on a verbal warning.

Whether he stays or not all depends on his response and future intentions.

PunchDrunkTurtle · 28/10/2022 12:12

I'm surprised he can walk with balls as big as his. How fucking dare he get annoyed at you, who pays for the WiFi?

PunchDrunkTurtle · 28/10/2022 12:13

I'm concerned by how many people think an aggressive man should be allowed to be abusive and get a second chance.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 28/10/2022 12:13

Get rid of him. You and your kids don't need his shit.

Eweknowwhat · 28/10/2022 12:18

@PunchDrunkTurtle I'm concerned by how many people think an aggressive man should be allowed to be abusive and get a second chance.

Exactly this.

It is spelled out here - see para 2a www.proceduresonline.com/nesubregion/p_adolescent_par_vio_abuse.html

Pixiedust1234 · 28/10/2022 12:19

PunchDrunkTurtle · 28/10/2022 12:13

I'm concerned by how many people think an aggressive man should be allowed to be abusive and get a second chance.

Shes raised him for the past 2-3 years, he's only 17. So from the age of 14 she's been "mum".

He fully deserves the talk of where does he see his life going. Does he want a job or a different course, and supporting him to achieve it. It doesn't mean rolling over regarding his attitude. However if he refuses the talk or to respect her rules then he definitely needs to be kicked out.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 12:22

so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today.
What was unreasonable about turning off your own wifi?
He'd had fair warning, & ignored you.

He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.
Small wonder your nephew is an ill-mannered git.
All he has to do is raise his voice & his aunt kowtows to him.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?
YANBU
The only thing you've been unreasonable about is not spelling this out earlier. Not challenging his poor behaviour at every occurrence, not telling him that it's your home, & if he cannot live in it with basic courtesy & respect, he will no longer be welcome.

Sorry - 2 things!
Imagining you are going to "ask" him to return to his mum's is a bad mistake.
Lay it on the line & tell him FFS. He's taken the piss for long enough. If he is allowed to continue without consequences, he is going to grow up to become one the male partners OP come to Relationships to post about in despair.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 12:23

stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

And what have you discussed with him about this OP?
What does his mother think?
You are coming over as ... remarkably passive.

Original poster
RasDonavin · 28/10/2022 12:38

We let him live with us as by the time he made up with his mum, he was settled here and was behaving and told us he was happier with us. He doesn't see his dad as he was abusive towards his mum when DN was a baby and then was abusive towards DN when he got older. He was living with his mum, stepdad (DH’s brother) and younger brother (6/7 at the time) and due to his dad being abusive towards his mum, DN thought that his mum didn't like him and preferred his brother as he looks like his dad etc.

His mum does give us money. DD is 2, she was only about 3/4 months old when DN came to live with us and they do have a good bond now.

We did speak to him about college but he told us he wasn't enjoying it anyway and didn't care that he was kicked off his course. We also did try and talk to him about his gf but he told us it wasn't any of our business. He hasn't seen his mum for a few weeks, and he hasn't told her about college I don't think as he's been telling her he's busy etc. He did have a job in the summer but he quit after about a month or 2 as he said it wasn't for him.

OP posts:
Eweknowwhat · 28/10/2022 12:41

I really don't get Mumsnetters sometimes🤔

If a husband or partner had behaved like this there would be screams of "LTB" or "kick him out".

It seems because he is 17 and a 'troubled child' somehow he's being allowed to get away with unacceptable, disrespectful and aggressive behaviour.

OP you are training him he can use aggression to get his own way and this is how wifebeaters are made.

You need to get a grip on this NOW.