To not want him to live with us anymore?

[RasDonavin]

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP read the "young men who do nothing" thread. That's your future unless you get rid.

You've given him a home for a few years and he's taking that for granted. You're not his parent and you don't have to sort out his behaviour. He's not being respectful, he's been verbally abusive and he needs to learn that's not ok. He'll only learn that if there's consequences to his actions.

He's not behaving like the adult that he is (enough of this "he's a minor" stuff, he's 17 and can drive a car, go out to work, get married and start his own family if he wants - that's not childhood that's adulthood) and it's time he stepped up.

Your nephew is a horrible example for your daughter. He needs to go.

After he made up with his mum was the time for him to move out.

The way he spoke to you would be a total dealbreaker for most poeple.

If you're not going to send him back to his mother's today then I don't envy the road ahead....

He wasnt enjoying college and doesn't care that they've kicked him out. Then he had a summer job but quit after two months as it 'wasn't for him'. He now games all day, is rude and aggressive and refuses to discuss a questionable relationship with an older GF. All of this around your tiny DD.

Do you really want to be the one putting in the huge, ongoing effort it's going to require to get him back on track?

Could his recent change of mood be due to something else? Drink or drugs?
Does the GF stay at yours?
What does your DH say about DN and the situation?

So he doesn't live with his mum because of arguments. He then does
the same to you. Why should you put up with things that his mother isn't dealing with?

Time to go home.

YANBU but I would probably set a boundary and give him one more chance. Tell him the behaviors that are unacceptable and what you want him to do. And definitely say that he is not allowed to shout and swear at you in your own house. Give him a time period to change his behavior. If he doesn't, say, 'you had your last chance' and Kick. him. out.

If he is going to live with you, you have to act as his parent. That means dealing with the consequences of turning off the wifi and not backing down. That means enforcing rules like your choices at 17 are school or getting a job and paying rent.

If you won’t take the job seriously, then you are hurting him by letting him live there.

So your DN is not actually a blood relative?

He is the step son of your BIL?

Sounds like DN and his mum need to get some therapy sessions booked in - they've both been through DV and DN seems to think his mum prefers his brother - that's a lot of shit to unpack.

I think you need to send him back to his mother's OP because you are not coping with him.

We did speak to him about college but he told us he wasn't enjoying it anyway and didn't care that he was kicked off his course.
"We are your aunt & uncle & WE care. What is going on with you that it came to this? What is it that you need help with, in order to continue with some for of education or apprenticeship?"

We also did try and talk to him about his gf but he told us it wasn't any of our business.
"While you are living with us, it's very much our business. We are providing a home for YOU, not your g/f. We expect you to be home at a reasonable hour on weeknights, You can see or stay over at your g/f at weekends. This is not a lodging house - it is our home & we ask you to respect that."

He hasn't seen his mum for a few weeks, and he hasn't told her about college I don't think as he's been telling her he's busy etc.
"Hello sis? - have nephew been in touch? Bad news I'm afraid, we need to talk about his college course."
This one gobsmacks me more than the bloody wifi capitulation, frankly.

He did have a job in the summer but he quit after about a month or 2 as he said it wasn't for him.
"OK - what didn't you like about it? What do you think might suit you better? What do you think would happen to you & your cousins if we just jacked our jobs in?"

If you are unable to have these kind of conversations with him, you have no business being in loco parentis.

He needs to leave.
No point in negotiating,
You need your home back & he is abusing this situation
Where will he go ? Not your problem.

OP you need to get a grip on this now, a backbone and kick him out

he is not your child. He is not your problem

tell him today he packs his shit up and leaves.

She is not mum. he has a mum that he sees you might as well say children in boarding school are orphaned.

Though even mum would be right to kick out an agressive 17 year old when she has children in the house.

Why are you giving him the option not to work?

Oh I think there's every point in negotiating. It's high time somebody stepped in & started adulting around this young man. The poor lad has been pitifully neglected, & has significant ACE trauma.

OP has been taking the path of least resistance &has just allowed him to act out until she reached the end of her tether. He is crying out for somebody to take charge & start creating boundaries for him. he's now on the path to becoming either a very angry & dislocated young man, or one of those hikkomori guys, who are locked in to not much more than computer gaming.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

Have his bags packed and kick the rude little bugger out

He did have a job in the summer but he quit after about a month or 2 as he said it wasn't for him.

He is abusing you and taking no responsibility for himself.

He drops out of college, then it doesn't matter if the job isn't for him. He fucking does it or he leaves. That's how life works.

He needs to grow up and you do him no favours by backing down and sticking the WiFi back on.

PlayStation stays off until he gets a job or goes to college or leaves.

His choice.

Hold your ground or it will only get worsem

Needs to leave, much as I recognise it is not easy to do.

I do get the send him home advice and I don’t disagree with it, you have a young child who you have to prioritize. But from the way you’ve written this I suspect the adults in DN’s life (including you and your DH) may have been letting him down a bit over the last few years and he probably needs more support and less of the simple “you made your bed, now lie in it” approach.

How was a 15 year old allowed to make the decision to just not go home in the first place? What help did he get for learning to manage his feelings and his anger properly after he had such a significant falling out with his mother that he had to leave home? Who has he been going to for advice and support for the last 2 years? How much has he been allowed to, effectively, simply lodge in your house rather than being drawn into a family life that slowly increases his responsibilities and opportunities, coaching him for independence and making bigger more important decisions?

Exactly! Sitting him down with a ‘cuppa’ indeed 😄Shouting, swearing and intimidating women is inexcusable. His parent/s can collect him. Prioritise your daughter over someone else’s abusive son.

Omg, completely wrong thread, sorry!

Then his mum and step dad can deal with it! Women are not rehab centres for men, our free time and emotional labour is not public property to be cut up and divided amongst males in society for Christ sake.

At the very first instance of bad behaviour I'd have sat him down and said "The next time you violate house rules or are disrespectful, out you go. There will be no further warnings".

But I think at this point it's too late for warnings, he's already developed a pattern of disrespectful behaviour. He needs to be told that it's time for him to go back to his mother's.

I'm surprised how many PP cannot see that this young man's path toward aggression, dropping out, & holing up in his room with a playstation has been enabled by his entire family, including OP.

No, OP should not tolerate aggression in her home - despite being one of the adults who has taught him that aggression gets him his own way (she turned the wifi back on because he yelled about it ffs!).
Sadly, she has posted about 2 years too late, & probably her best alternative, given that she won't intervene to help this young man turn his life around, is to protect her household & make him leave. I'm with @NumberTheory all the way -

How was a 15 year old allowed to make the decision to just not go home in the first place? What help did he get for learning to manage his feelings and his anger properly after he had such a significant falling out with his mother that he had to leave home? Who has he been going to for advice and support for the last 2 years? How much has he been allowed to, effectively, simply lodge in your house rather than being drawn into a family life that slowly increases his responsibilities and opportunities, coaching him for independence and making bigger more important decisions?