Page 8 | To not want him to live with us anymore?

RasDonavin · 2022-10-27T22:30:09+00:00

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well. He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation. This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on. WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

Mumz1 · 29/10/2022 01:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

OhamIreally · 29/10/2022 10:01

@Mumz1 you should start your own thread and that will get replies specific to your situation.

With regard to the OP - it does seem that there are increasing numbers of young men not engaging with society and gaming all night. You see stories of this continuing into a man's 40's by which time he's beyond rescue.

This really is a tipping point for this young man. I find it sad that his own mother has washed her hands of this responsibility and is leaving the upbringing of her child to her partner's brother and his wife.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/10/2022 10:50

Quite what do you think the op can do when he refuses to go to college? He isn’t a small child she can simply pick up and take to school. They probably have had conversations about this, more than once. But if someone is determined to not do something you can’t make them.

OP has he apologised for shouting and swearing at you? Does he realise that he was being abusive and scared you and your daughter?

Talk to him about it @OhBeAFineGuyKissMe . Talk to his mother about it. Make it a family issue that needs solving. Get her husband on side as a concerned role model. Ask questions, open dialogue, find out what is going on in his head & get him some help for it.

OP seems to have simply accepted that this lad can decide to drop out, to jack his job in, to bring his g/f to stay without permission, to stay up all night gaming, to make enough noise to wake her small child ... with nobody pulling him up on any of it small wonder he's going off the rails.

Happylittlethoughts · 29/10/2022 11:15

Bags packed for him. Off you pop pal. He needs brought back to reality pretty quickly.
Bye 👋

kateandme · 29/10/2022 11:22

If he could rectify his behaviour wouod you be ok with him staying. Sounds like you might be ready for him to leave anyway?

hes 17for all sorts of reasons 17 year olds live with others than blood relatives.and they are and should be treated as one of their own.that’s what you take on with a 14 year old.especially one who’s been abused at home.
and 17 is still really young.and there is no linear path to healing or growing up.
mif you cant cope.if he’s relapsed back too old behaviours he needs suppprt.if you can’t give that then ok.but doesn’t mean he’s an angry still killer in waiting!
17 year old boy here has screamed a lot worse than this.we wouldn’t think once of chucking him out. I just don’t get this line on mn.
but it needs discussion.
he needs support then finding what’s next.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 29/10/2022 11:53

KettrickenSmiled · 29/10/2022 10:50

Quite what do you think the op can do when he refuses to go to college? He isn’t a small child she can simply pick up and take to school. They probably have had conversations about this, more than once. But if someone is determined to not do something you can’t make them.

OP has he apologised for shouting and swearing at you? Does he realise that he was being abusive and scared you and your daughter?

Talk to him about it @OhBeAFineGuyKissMe . Talk to his mother about it. Make it a family issue that needs solving. Get her husband on side as a concerned role model. Ask questions, open dialogue, find out what is going on in his head & get him some help for it.

OP seems to have simply accepted that this lad can decide to drop out, to jack his job in, to bring his g/f to stay without permission, to stay up all night gaming, to make enough noise to wake her small child ... with nobody pulling him up on any of it small wonder he's going off the rails.

You don’t know that these conversations haven’t already happened. Given they took him in, despite no blood relationship, got hi counselling and support I think it is unlikely they just ignored he dropping out of college.

Do you think having a conversation is going to be a magic fix? Getting everyone around a table sounds like a good idea, except it could well feel that everyone is against him and he storms off.

And if this conversation doesn’t work? Then what? You are in the position the OP is in, a 27 year old who is being rude and abusive and refused to go to college and is ‘looking’ for a job.

Powderandpaint · 29/10/2022 11:58

OH my, oh my OP,

181 helpful replies and the little scrote is still with you taking up space?

I despair - as much for him as for you and your family.🙄

zingally · 29/10/2022 12:05

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 23:53

Can you sit him down with a cuppa and take a supportive approach first and say you've noticed a big change in him from when he was really settled and doing well and ask what he thinks has happened. Ask him if he's still happy living with you or if he's changed his mind on it. If he says he's happy living with you then I'd say that if he wants to continue he needs to respect the boundaries in your home and everyone else who lives there and in turn you will all respect him. Just be really straight with him most young people that age prefer that because then they know exactly where they stand. Sounds to me like the gf might not be a great influence and like something is working in the background there so I'd want to know what that is before jumping straight to kicking him out if it's only been the last 8 weeks and he was doing great before that. I'd say that if he doesn't want to be at his course any more that's fine but he can't be sitting about all day so he either needs to join a youth programme or find himself a job. If he digs in and refuses your boundaries then you tell him he needs to go back to living with mum because your boundaries are not negotiable because you have other kids in the house to think of. If you put boundaries down though you have to be ready to follow through, so for example I wouldn't have turned the WiFi back on I'd have stated clearly that he's woken the child up twice and he was warned and this is the direct result of the choice he made to continue to be loud. You obviously have had a good relationship with him and he's enjoyed staying with you and benefited from that so I'd try and work with him if you can because it does sound like something has happened.

THIS ^

Remembering that 17 is still technically a kid. Immediately going to "get out of my house" WITHOUT a chat like the quoted user says, I think, is unfair.

It sounds like, until very recently, you've had a good relationship with him, and he's flourished under your care. I think, for the sake of any future relationship, and the fact he's still a kid, you need to give "the chat" at least one solid good try.

Teenagers are shit-heads by nature. They need their adults to be safe, sane and steady. Treat him like you'd have wanted your own 17 year old self, back in the day, to be treated.

Mumz1 · 29/10/2022 12:54

Sorry- please ignore. I had posted here in error and then found I couldn’t delete!

Liorae · 29/10/2022 12:57

flourished
🤣

cooldarkroom · 29/10/2022 15:45

Is there an organisation for young adults who have dropped out of the education system in the UK ? (Orientation, apprenticeship, etc )
If so, tell him you are making him an appointment on Monday.
Sitting about in your house, being rude & anti social, a poor example for your own child & bringing his gf round isnt going to continue.
His mother may even stop funding this lay about. Surely he realizes something has got to give ...will implode ?
The alternative is he needs to get a job, & move out by the end of the week

Padz · 31/10/2022 06:41

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 23:53

Can you sit him down with a cuppa and take a supportive approach first and say you've noticed a big change in him from when he was really settled and doing well and ask what he thinks has happened. Ask him if he's still happy living with you or if he's changed his mind on it. If he says he's happy living with you then I'd say that if he wants to continue he needs to respect the boundaries in your home and everyone else who lives there and in turn you will all respect him. Just be really straight with him most young people that age prefer that because then they know exactly where they stand. Sounds to me like the gf might not be a great influence and like something is working in the background there so I'd want to know what that is before jumping straight to kicking him out if it's only been the last 8 weeks and he was doing great before that. I'd say that if he doesn't want to be at his course any more that's fine but he can't be sitting about all day so he either needs to join a youth programme or find himself a job. If he digs in and refuses your boundaries then you tell him he needs to go back to living with mum because your boundaries are not negotiable because you have other kids in the house to think of. If you put boundaries down though you have to be ready to follow through, so for example I wouldn't have turned the WiFi back on I'd have stated clearly that he's woken the child up twice and he was warned and this is the direct result of the choice he made to continue to be loud. You obviously have had a good relationship with him and he's enjoyed staying with you and benefited from that so I'd try and work with him if you can because it does sound like something has happened.

This!
You absolutely can’t jump in and throw him out!
You gave him a him home and agreed he could live with you. BUT first and foremost he’s your DH’s son not just a lodger, you have to talk to him and give him a chance to change his ways.

jaxmum22 · 31/10/2022 07:01

You’ve been putting a roof over his head but it also sounds like you’ve taken full parental responsibility. Has his mum had any input into his recent behaviour, especially regarding him quitting college and becoming a dosser? Is she concerned about where his life is going? It seems like it’s all been left to you. I’d have a talk with her and TELL her this arrangement is ending due to his recent change in attitude and lifestyle, it’s having too much of a detrimental effect on your family

DangerousAlchemy · 31/10/2022 08:55

BananaCocktails · 28/10/2022 01:55

Why hasn’t he got his own place?I know you love your DN otherwise you wouldn’t have let him live with you and it’s a nice thing what you’ve done -I would speak to your sister first, Before asking him to leave so that she is aware I would then speak to your nephew and put it bluntly that you don’t have to have him living in your house but if he wants to continue living there he will have to do so by your rules and if he isn’t prepared to follow those rules he will need to go back to his mum or rent somewhere or approach the council
it’s pretty poor behaviour that he has sworn at you and disrespected you like this. Tell him that He disrespected you and that will be the first and last time. That you were happy with him being there but not right now - and because he is your nephew you have put up with his behaviour however he is old enough to rent somewhere himself
if not he Can I have go back home

Lol @BananaCocktails he's JUST turned 17 🤣 so that's probably why he doesn't have his own place! plus he's been booted off his college course & presumably doesn't have a job yet. How many 17 year olds do you know who can afford to rent their own place/are mature enough to live alone??

IndysMamaRex · 31/10/2022 09:20

Get that boy to pack his bags. He’s likely starting the behaviour that caused him to fall out with his mum now he’s comfy at your house. You’ve already done him a favour letting him stay there but now it’s time for him to go home.

Sead · 31/10/2022 10:30

Tell him to leave.