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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to live with us anymore?

191 replies

RasDonavin · 27/10/2022 23:30

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 28/10/2022 08:13

Pixiedust1234 · 28/10/2022 00:34

So he's given up on college, goes out all night or games on PlayStation?

He needs a "where is your life going" talk and see if you can support towards another course or apprenticeship. Tell him doing nothing is not an option. Also tell him aggression and being disrespectful are not options either.

Its a tough one but the only way is to be tough. Go gentle and you will be raising a cocklodger.

This is her nephew not her child. It's not her responsibility to do any of that.

Meowsaidthecat · 28/10/2022 08:15

I would be telling his mum you're dropping him off soon as you've packed his stuff up this morning.
If he can't respect your home/dd bedtime etc then he can't stay. End of the day he's not your child, he's not your responsibility. He should not be rebelling against his aunt!

Brefugee · 28/10/2022 08:15

Give him a week to get out, to be reasonable, but be very clear to him about why you are taking this action.

You can also say that between now and then the wifi will go off when your daughter goes to bed (or change the password so you can use it but don't tell him what it is)

user1471538283 · 28/10/2022 08:16

He is not your responsibility, your DD is. So he goes back to his DM's today.

RudsyFarmer · 28/10/2022 08:16

Two words. Fuck that. He needs to be off back to his mum.

FlirtyMelons · 28/10/2022 08:17

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 28/10/2022 08:13

This is her nephew not her child. It's not her responsibility to do any of that.

Show quote history

To be fair she took him on whilst he was still very much a child so surely you must know you will have some parental responsibility there. If he was 17 when he moved in then totally different.

I would say that a sit down conversation with him is the first thing and say what your expectations are with regards to all the things you mentioned in your OP. If he is unhappy with it he can go back to him mums.

Its so sad to read on here that so many would just throw a 17 yo family member out when things had been fine with the exception of a few weeks.

Ponoka7 · 28/10/2022 08:19

@BananaCocktails

"Why hasn’t he got his own place? "

Because very few LLs would rent to a under 18 year old. Who would go guarantor for a 17 year old? That leaves a hostel. Our local ones are quite full. Emergency places are held for homeless teen pregnancy situations. Tbf they aren't bad, but it is a teenage dumping ground.

Has anyone checked his relationship isn't abusive? He's a minor in a relationship with an adult and has had a change in behaviour. If the sexes were reversed, you'd be getting more involved. He seems to have been left to let his life drift. Is anyone acting in a parental role? He's been homeless since he was 14? Is anyone addressing that properly? Does he feel that he's got a future? I was homeless at 15, I had a roof over my head, but didn't feel as though I could plan for my future iyswim.

It's good that it's come to a head without anything major happening. This allows for the sit down discussions suggested and a proper plan going forward. If the OP wasn't going to take responsibility for him, she shouldn't have took him in as a child. At 14 the LA certainly had a duty of care and he would have got a proper plan which would give him a sense of stability and funding for higher education. But his Mother would have had to face up to her son being a child in need.

theremustonlybeone · 28/10/2022 08:19

What is your DH view on your DN recent abusive behaviour? I would speak to him when he gets in and decide on next steps. For me I would have called his mum to come and collect him.

diddl · 28/10/2022 08:20

Can't believe that he made up with his mum but was allowed to stay because he wanted to!

What were the perks of that for him?

Own/bigger room?

No/fewer other kids about?

StClare101 · 28/10/2022 08:21

OriginalUsername3 · 28/10/2022 02:45

Yeah I'd be packing his bags first thing in the morning and taking him to his mother's. Its not like you're chucking him on the streets.

I’d make him find his own way back.

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 08:21

He needs to return to his mother.

He is using you and your home as a doss house.

You have been really kind.

Shouting and swearing at you in YOUR home?

Completely unacceptable.

I would not have that for one minute around my child.

Bringing a woman home is so disrespectful.

Calmly help him pack his bags.

He needs to sort his life out, but having given up college it should no longer be in your home.

Checkmateready · 28/10/2022 08:22

He’s overpowering you and needs to go. When someone is doing you a favour you respect their environment which he’s now not doing. You shouldn’t be having to deal with this and your family shouldn’t be put out by him.

MatronicO6 · 28/10/2022 08:23

Give him his marching orders. He is not going to be left on the streets, he has a home to go to

You've done enough.

Ponoka7 · 28/10/2022 08:24

This is why family members do really have to think carefully before taking a young person in. You could be putting a sticking plaster over what needs serious intervention. To then throw him out when he is still a child, but at a age were the LA has limited duty of care, is just going to potentially destroy his life. You see ineffective parenting being propped up by family members and it's the child who ultimately suffers.

ineedakickupthe · 28/10/2022 08:27

YANBU

Dustybarn · 28/10/2022 08:32

Could you call his mum and meet her somewhere for a coffee so you can explain the situation, then both go back to the house, announce that he is moving home today and both help him pack his stuff and move ? His mum should be there as this is really her responsibility.

eish · 28/10/2022 08:35

You need to kick him out and tell him why for his own benefit.

Sixsmith · 28/10/2022 08:36

What's DN? This boy is DN? Dear neighbour?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/10/2022 08:37

I'd be amazed that a 20-year old woman would be attracted to a 17-year old who lives with his Aunt and plays on Playstation all the time...

His Mum must have been rejoicing when she passed him on to you. Time for hims to grow up and get his own place if he won't live with her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/10/2022 08:38

I'm assuming DN is 'dear' nephew...

Eweknowwhat · 28/10/2022 08:38

@Sixsmith What's DN? This boy is DN? Dear neighbour?

DN = Darling Nephew.

Although not much of a 'darling' really....

RampantIvy · 28/10/2022 08:40

Why hasn’t he got his own place?

I don't think you have any idea what the rental market is like these days @BananaCocktails. He has no income and who would be his guarantor? Plus, he is under 18. There will be loads of mumsnetters coming along saying that they moved out at 16, but that wasn't in 2022, and it is very different now.

DD struggled at 22 to find somewhere to live as so many landlords are dropping out of the rental market. She did find somewhere after months of looking, and I am her guarantor.

ScarlettSunset · 28/10/2022 08:43

He's a 17 year old boy who's had a troubled background, behaving like a 17 year old boy who's had a troubled background.

He may have a made up with his mum but him going back there surely depends on the original cause of the argument. Most people don't move out at 14 or 15 unless something very serious happened.

Obviously this isn't your problem OP, but shipping him back to somewhere he would still rather not be (else he would be there!) seems pretty drastic if you've not tried other approaches first. Talk to him, and at least warn him that he'll have to go if things improve. Give him a chance to improve his behaviour first.

maranella · 28/10/2022 08:44

There isn't a spine emoji, unfortunately, otherwise I'd have given it to you, as that's what you need. FGS OP, stop being so wet. This is your HOME and you have a right to set the rules within it. If this 17-year-old waste of space is taking the piss, which it sounds like he has been doing for the past two years, you should tell him to leave and go back to his own DM. Why the hell is he still with you anyway? He had a row with his DM during Covid? It's time he went home, or at least she had to deal with him. He can take his playstation and his shouting and swearing and his 20-year-old girlfriend back to her house and she can bloody well deal with her own DC.

But first OP, you need to grow a spine.

ScarlettSunset · 28/10/2022 08:44

*he'll have to go if things DON'T things improve ...