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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to live with us anymore?

191 replies

RasDonavin · 27/10/2022 23:30

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP posts:
Paleshelter · 28/10/2022 08:45

How dare he speak to you like that in YOUR home after you have been so kind and acommodating. He needs to get out of your house now.
He also needs start taking responsibility for his actions and his life. He was also being verbally abusive to you and you felt threatened enough to put the Wi-Fi back on.
It was a long time ago but I left home before 18 to work and study. What is he doing for money, I hope you aren't giving him any. Tell him today to go back to his mum's. I hope you tell your DH about his behaviour.

Rightsraptor · 28/10/2022 08:51

He's 17 and he's his parents' responsibility, not yours. Discuss this with his parents but there is only one possible outcome: he leaves your home.

lechatnoir · 28/10/2022 08:52

You sound like an amazing caring and supportive aunt but it's hard enough putting up with this sort of shit from your own children (👋to fellow 'parenting teens' mums) but you definitely shouldn't have to put up with it from someone else's child! I wouldn't just hoof him out without a conversation as it does sound like more is going on here, but he needs to realise that if he wants to live with your family this is completely unacceptable behaviour, won't be tolerated and if there's a next time he will be out that same day.
Good luck!

Liorae · 28/10/2022 08:53

I suspect his mum will refuse to have him back. What would be the next step if so?

Moveoverdarlin · 28/10/2022 08:56

Nip it in the bud now and tell him he needs to go. Say the final straw was being sworn at in your own home. Speak to him later and say he’s got this weekend to move out. Act quickly.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/10/2022 08:56

Put him out, and be clear that you are doing it because he has abused your generosity. Do it quickly too, and get your DH to back you up if necessary, because he has now learned that shouting and swearing at you makes you back down.

DIYandEatCake · 28/10/2022 09:16

Talk to him, about the change you’ve noticed in him, tell him you’re worried, see if you can find out what’s going on with him. Talk to his mum too - she must be worrying too, if she knows he’s dropped out of his course and has lost his motivation. If he’s only just turned 17 he’s still young, he’s not an adult yet, he’s going to mess up and get things wrong, and it sounds like his background hasn’t been all that straightforward. It sounds like he could really use some guidance and support, and perhaps some tough love (whether or not he wants it is another question). But absolutely set your boundaries and make sure he knows what’s expected of him.

StaunchMomma · 28/10/2022 09:23

Get him gone.

I'm afraid you are prioritising him over your own family. You shouldn't have to consider if turning your own wifi off because a man-child who isn't even yours is repeatedly waking your child. Of course your actions were reasonable! He as shown that he cannot act his age or treat your family respectfully.

Pack his bags for him and send him home.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 28/10/2022 09:23

The shouting and swearing has crossed a line. I can fully understand why you switched the Wi-Fi on again, it was probably scary. A lot of 17 year olds are man sized and can be very intimidating.

I think there needs to be some consequences for that.

And him leaving the home is probably the one I would go for. Along with a conversation explaining why ‘you scared me last night’ etc… It doesn’t have to be a permanent move, unless you want it to be, but conditions need to be in place before he can move back in.

One condition I would consider is random drug testing, I do wonder if this could explain some of the change in behaviour. You can buy kits to do at home.

Marcipex · 28/10/2022 09:39

Tell him to pack his bags and drive him to his mothers house. Or call him a cab.
Don’t negotiate.
Take your key back.
Tell his mother why he’s no longer welcome as no doubt he won’t be truthful with her.
Go home and enjoy your home in peace.

Pipsquiggle · 28/10/2022 09:48

Everyone saying send him back to his mum - you know there's a huge back story there. What if she's feckless or has mental health issues or is an addict? What if sending him back there is actually worse for everyone?

That's why I think talking first might make the penny drop in this 17 year old that he has to change. Setting very strict ground rules with consequences.

@RasDonavin I think you have been a very kind aunt - gone above & beyond. Time to be the strict aunt though, also his mum does need to step up as he might be moving back in with her if he chooses to continue this sort of behaviour

Naunet · 28/10/2022 09:51

I wouldn’t be letting a 17 year old who isn’t in full time education, stay with me rent free anyway.Why does he feel he has the option to sit on his arse gaming all day rather than getting a job?

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 09:53

He isn't your child or your problem, kick him out (well send him back home). You have a youngster in the house and his behaviour isn't acceptable around your child.

RedToothBrush · 28/10/2022 10:12

You can block certain devices on your wifi if you go into the settings.

Block the playstation. He is being abusive and not respecting you or your daughter.

He is not your son. You do not need to put up with this.

If you allow him to stay you are being more than generous, given he has dropped out of college.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/10/2022 10:23

Everyone saying send him back to his mum - you know there's a huge back story there.

If he's shouting and swearing at me in my house and keeping my children awake (and probably frightened) then he is getting kicked out.

Tsort · 28/10/2022 10:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2022 01:55

He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

You have terrible boundaries so yes, he has to leave because this will deteriorate.

Really work on them before your own DC hit the tween years.

This.

MrsMoastyToasty · 28/10/2022 10:37

Where is his dad?
Can he get supported housing?.

Alarae · 28/10/2022 10:42

Protect your daughter. He needs to leave.

greenhousegal · 28/10/2022 10:48

My guess is that he is an obnoxious little prick whose falling out with his mother was precisely the result of similar behaviour, or the beginnings of it.

I'm also guessing that going back to his mother's is problematic all round. If it isn't he should go back. If it is he needs to be grounded and all devices, pocket money, washing, meal prep are withdrawn. It will do him good for the day of his 18th birthday when he can leave and do what he likes with his life.

I am sure there is a backstory. I am a little impatient with youth being pandered to, as it does them no good in the long run. Best of luck OP, and sorry for sounding like a harridan.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2022 10:49

I would have told him to go back to his mother the minute he started shouting and swearing at me, you're not his parents you're doing him a favour by letting him live there

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 10:52

RasDonavin · 28/10/2022 00:13

I turned the wifi back on due to the shouting and swearing, after he did stop talking loudly, I know it wasn't ideal to give in but that was the only way i’d have been able to settle DD.

You realise that your actions were that of an intimidated woman "managing" an abusive man?

You do realise that?

He needs to be gone.

Today.

Unseelie · 28/10/2022 10:54

Definitely kick him out. Shouting and swearing and deliberately disturbing your child’s sleep is all unforgivable behaviour, especially in the situation your describe. No second chances.

He won’t change as long as his behaviour is enabled. The only thing you can do for him is give him a serious shock byt throwing him out, and hope it makes him think twice about his behaviour.

AmyDudley · 28/10/2022 10:54

I would be telling him to leave immediately. He shouted and swore to get you to turn the wifi back on - that's intimidation. I would not have a man (and yes he is a man at 17 in that he will be bigger and stronger than you) who thinks it is Ok to intimidate women into doing what he demands. It is totally unacceptable and especially since you have a young daughter - you do not want her thinking that men being abusive and intimidating to get their own way is in any way to be tolerated. She needs her home back as do you.

Butchyrestingface · 28/10/2022 10:59

He needs to go.

But I feel sorry for the boy too. One argument with his mother as a 14-15 year old, goes to stay with his aunt and uncle to cool off (sensible) and his mother get to abrogate all responsibility for him thereafter and only see him as and when? Nice.

Was she paying you for his upkeep, OP?

LavenderfortheBees · 28/10/2022 10:59

The best thing you can do for him is give consequences. He has to go for your family's benefit and for his own.

Look at the recent thread on young men who just do nothing.

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