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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to live with us anymore?

191 replies

RasDonavin · 27/10/2022 23:30

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 28/10/2022 03:31

A bit baffled by the posters critiquing your boundaries for plugging the WiFi back in; clearly a one-time strategic decision made to prioritise peace for your daughter atone particular time and not the start of a pattern of appeasement.

I agree that the right way to go is a kindly worded but firm conversation about how the unacceptability of his behaviour means it’s time for him to return to his mum’s house, as you won’t be disrespected in your own home.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 28/10/2022 05:31

BananaCocktails · 28/10/2022 01:55

Why hasn’t he got his own place?I know you love your DN otherwise you wouldn’t have let him live with you and it’s a nice thing what you’ve done -I would speak to your sister first, Before asking him to leave so that she is aware I would then speak to your nephew and put it bluntly that you don’t have to have him living in your house but if he wants to continue living there he will have to do so by your rules and if he isn’t prepared to follow those rules he will need to go back to his mum or rent somewhere or approach the council
it’s pretty poor behaviour that he has sworn at you and disrespected you like this. Tell him that He disrespected you and that will be the first and last time. That you were happy with him being there but not right now - and because he is your nephew you have put up with his behaviour however he is old enough to rent somewhere himself
if not he Can I have go back home

@BananaCocktails what 17 year old has their own place?

DoubleBuggyDriver · 28/10/2022 05:33

He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

The fact that their was no consequence for shouting and swearing but rather you turned the wifi back on shows that maybe this isn’t going to work. He’s not an uncontrollable 13 year old, he’s 17 who knows the difference between wrong and right. I also agree with having a conversation addressing this change in him to get a feel for where his head out and whether he’s remorseful etc. If not, send him back to his mum’s

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 28/10/2022 05:40

YABU saying “ Off of” - misses point of thread!

Thepossibility · 28/10/2022 05:44

deeperthanallroses · 28/10/2022 01:51

he shouted and swore at you and you gave in because otherwise you couldn’t get your child to sleep? Pack a bag and drop him home. Afternoon dn, last night was the last straw. You have not been respecting our home at all- you may prefer to live here but frankly we do not prefer to have you here when you have no respect for us and i can’t get a young child to sleep because of the noise you’re making. I think it’s time you take some responsibility- pack a bag and we will drop you at your mums, you can come back for the rest of your stuff tomorrow /on the weekend.

If you really love him you could reconsider a month from now after he’s had some growing up to do and he can move back after a good clear conversation if he will behave like a 17 year old who understands the ground rules of respectful house sharing.

I couldn't agree more. Word for word I would say this. How dare he behave this way as a guest in your home?!

Suzi888 · 28/10/2022 05:45

Oooh you have more patience than me.

Either he goes home to his mum.

Or you both go to the LA and request temporary accommodation, hostel, until accommodation is secured due to parental estrangement and homelessness.

You have a duty of care to your DD- DN has shot himself in the foot. Get him out.

Kissingfrogs25 · 28/10/2022 06:21

This is not your responsibility op. His parent now needs to take over, you have done more than enough. Look after your own dc.

Spanielsarepainless · 28/10/2022 07:00

Don't ask him, tell him.

MountainChalet · 28/10/2022 07:05

I would ask your sister to come get him and would tell him he's no longer welcomed since he disrespected you.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/10/2022 07:12

You need to prioritize your child here OP. He's a guest in your home and he's taking the piss with his behaviour

Penguinsaregreat · 28/10/2022 07:17

I agree with deeperthanallroses too.

Mindymomo · 28/10/2022 07:19

Just send him home, tell him it’s about time he went home. He will know what he’s done, no need to go into details, just say it’s not working.

britneyisfree · 28/10/2022 07:20

Call your sister today and tell her to come and get her child. Fuck that. Won't be long before your DD starts effing and blinding and treating you like shit if you keep him around.

mushroomdecoup · 28/10/2022 07:21

Another agreeing with the way deeperthanallroses has phrased it. If you don't feel comfortable saying it, just send it to him as a message or print it out for him.

Choccolocko · 28/10/2022 07:24

Looking down the road, with no college course and no job, it may be a long time before he moves out so I would look at getting him to move out now back to his mothers.

custardbear · 28/10/2022 07:32

How well do you get in with his mum? I'd have a chat with her and make plans to move him back to her house, then tackle him about his behaviour last night which is unacceptable
How old is your DD you've got to put her first - sounds like she's young if she's day napping and she doesn't need to grow up in this environment

SMrs · 28/10/2022 07:32

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 23:53

Can you sit him down with a cuppa and take a supportive approach first and say you've noticed a big change in him from when he was really settled and doing well and ask what he thinks has happened. Ask him if he's still happy living with you or if he's changed his mind on it. If he says he's happy living with you then I'd say that if he wants to continue he needs to respect the boundaries in your home and everyone else who lives there and in turn you will all respect him. Just be really straight with him most young people that age prefer that because then they know exactly where they stand. Sounds to me like the gf might not be a great influence and like something is working in the background there so I'd want to know what that is before jumping straight to kicking him out if it's only been the last 8 weeks and he was doing great before that. I'd say that if he doesn't want to be at his course any more that's fine but he can't be sitting about all day so he either needs to join a youth programme or find himself a job. If he digs in and refuses your boundaries then you tell him he needs to go back to living with mum because your boundaries are not negotiable because you have other kids in the house to think of. If you put boundaries down though you have to be ready to follow through, so for example I wouldn't have turned the WiFi back on I'd have stated clearly that he's woken the child up twice and he was warned and this is the direct result of the choice he made to continue to be loud. You obviously have had a good relationship with him and he's enjoyed staying with you and benefited from that so I'd try and work with him if you can because it does sound like something has happened.

Absolutely try this approach! I'd also set some boundaries about him going back to college/working or both.

MeridianB · 28/10/2022 07:32

He needs to leave today because this won’t get any better, just worse.

He’s already stepped over so many lines that it will be really hard to pull this back.

I find it very creepy that a 20yo woman is sleeping with a 17yo.

Changemyname1000x · 28/10/2022 07:35

Hmm he is still a child...a troubled one at that.
What help will chucking him out do.
'Behaviour is communication'
Before you get to the stage where you ask him to leave there must be several other stages

Shame on those saying a teenage boy with a troubled home life is 'a leech'

Yes OP you do need to put in boundaries and that's hard enough for everyone with your own DC nevermnd a DN. But it sounds like he needs an adult in his life to do this or his life is going to be in course for a car crash.

He's clearly got a lot going on and it's not going to be easy but please don't abandon him

(do you have any idea what hostel are like those who are suggesting that!?!)

Pipsquiggle · 28/10/2022 07:41

I would have a chat with him.

Talk about his recent behaviour and how it is unacceptable. Set some really clear ground rules and the consequences of breaking them.

His mum needs to step up too, whatever happens, as teenage years are tricky .

His GF sounds like a bad influence but pointing this out may do more harm than good

ign0re · 28/10/2022 07:42

I fell out with my parents and went to stay with an aunt when I was a child. I was badly behaved in general but when I stayed with my aunt, I knew she was doing me a favour and if I started acting like this, It would have been completely reasonable to throw me out. I was older than your nephew but never stayed out late, nor did I have anyone round.

cf get him out!

Eweknowwhat · 28/10/2022 07:45

Gee whizz OP, you've certainly made a rod for your own back here, haven't you?

You allow him to stay at your house (no doubt rent-free?) let him bring his cougar GF over to have sex, allow him to doss around all day, shout and generally cause disruption to your own DC.

What is the matter with you?

Get a backbone and put his goods out on the step today and ask his mother to come and collect him.

And change the locks in case the waster keeps a key to sneak back in.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2022 07:45

Cw112 · Yesterday 23:53
Can you sit him down with a cuppa and take a supportive approach first and say you've noticed a big change in him from when he was really settled and doing well and ask what he thinks has happened. Ask him if he's still happy living with you or if he's changed his mind on it. If he says he's happy living with you then I'd say that if he wants to continue he needs to respect the boundaries in your home and everyone else who lives there and in turn you will all respect him. Just be really straight with him most young people that age prefer that because then they know exactly where they stand. Sounds to me like the gf might not be a great influence and like something is working in the background there so I'd want to know what that is before jumping straight to kicking him out if it's only been the last 8 weeks and he was doing great before that. I'd say that if he doesn't want to be at his course any more that's fine but he can't be sitting about all day so he either needs to join a youth programme or find himself a job. If he digs in and refuses your boundaries then you tell him he needs to go back to living with mum because your boundaries are not negotiable because you have other kids in the house to think of. If you put boundaries down though you have to be ready to follow through, so for example I wouldn't have turned the WiFi back on I'd have stated clearly that he's woken the child up twice and he was warned and this is the direct result of the choice he made to continue to be loud. You obviously have had a good relationship with him and he's enjoyed staying with you and benefited from that so I'd try and work with him if you can because it does sound like something has happened.“

None of the above. OP is not his mother. He needs to go home.

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2022 07:56

If he was to change his behaviour back to being reasonable, would you be happy for him to continue living at yours or not?

If you're quite happy generally then I'd sit him down and give him firm boundaries re noise and the girlfriend etc.

If you've had enough of him being there then just tell him he has to go back to his mum now because it's not working.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/10/2022 08:10

Is he DHs nephew?

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