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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to live with us anymore?

191 replies

RasDonavin · 27/10/2022 23:30

DN turned 17 last week, he's lived with us since lockdown due to having an argument with his DM. It was only supposed to be temporary, he made up with his DM and told us he was happier here so we all agreed for him to live here and see his DM whenever he wanted it seemed to work well.

He met a girl (well woman as she's 20) about 2 months ago, and since then his behaviour has gotten awful again. He stays out until the early hours, is disrespectful, brings his gf over even though we haven't agreed, stopped attending college which resulted in him being removed off of his course which he doesn't seem to care about and has been spending all his time on his playstation.

This evening DH is working nights and I put DD to bed. About half an hour later, he woke her up by talking very loudly on the PlayStation I went into him and asked him to keep the noise down as DD was trying to sleep. He then woke her up again so I turned the wifi off which was probably a bit unreasonable but DD was very tired as she hadn't napped today. He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

WIBU to tell him I don't want him living here anymore and ask him to go back to his mums?

OP posts:
jtaeapa · 28/10/2022 14:29

Out - and now.

Disrespectful cocklodger in the making. Familiarity has bred contempt in this case. No wonder he fell out with his mum.

Brigante9 · 28/10/2022 14:32

Send him home, you’ve been more than kind and now he’s taking the piss.

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 14:45

Naunet · 28/10/2022 14:04

Then his mum and step dad can deal with it! Women are not rehab centres for men, our free time and emotional labour is not public property to be cut up and divided amongst males in society for Christ sake.

Show quote history

Agree that women aren’t rehab centres but in this instance, OP has facilitated this child’s neglect and now wants to wash her hands.

TheGander · 28/10/2022 14:57

He has been bullying you in your own home. Here is the link to the “ men who do nothing “ thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4661328-young-men-who-get-stuck-doing-nothing?page=9&reply=120976002
My brother is one of them, take it from me, you don’t want this situation on your hands. You can be constructive and explain why the arrangement no longer works, that he needs to start working towards his future, then ask him to leave rather than just chucking out.

Naunet · 28/10/2022 15:02

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 14:45

Agree that women aren’t rehab centres but in this instance, OP has facilitated this child’s neglect and now wants to wash her hands.

Show quote history

Wash her hands, is not the same as no longer providing him with a free roof over his head. He’s being sent back to live with his mum, not live on the streets!

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 15:30

Naunet · 28/10/2022 15:02

Wash her hands, is not the same as no longer providing him with a free roof over his head. He’s being sent back to live with his mum, not live on the streets!

Show quote history

Just because there is another person (who has also neglected the child), to put a roof over his head doesn’t mean OP isn’t washing her hands of him.

Dogtooth · 28/10/2022 15:30

There's no doubt he's behaving unacceptably and it can't go on like this, but I wouldn't just boot him out. See if he's willing to talk about it, say you can't let him keep living there if he behaves that way. See if he'll talk about his family etc, he sounds mixed up.

TBH he's displaying the same behaviours he showed at his mum's, I'm not sure why you thought it would be magically better at your house (although you were kind to take him in). Even if he ends up moving out, I'd try to remain a presence in his life, ask him round for dinner etc.

Naunet · 28/10/2022 15:47

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 15:30

Just because there is another person (who has also neglected the child), to put a roof over his head doesn’t mean OP isn’t washing her hands of him.

Show quote history

So is any aunt or uncle that doesn’t have their niece or nephew living with them, is washing their hands of them?! Of course not, OP is not under any obligation to put a roof over his head, and by not doing so, she is NOT washing her hands of him.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/10/2022 15:59

Sounds like it’s time for him to go home. Try not to be too mad at him, I was the same at 17 but didn’t understand what I was doing until years later.

If you keep on good terms he’ll likely remember this period very gratefully as an adult.

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 16:06

Naunet · 28/10/2022 15:47

So is any aunt or uncle that doesn’t have their niece or nephew living with them, is washing their hands of them?! Of course not, OP is not under any obligation to put a roof over his head, and by not doing so, she is NOT washing her hands of him.

Show quote history

OP isn’t “any aunt or uncle”. Taking their nephew in and allowing him to stay wasn’t simply a neutral act, it papered over his problems and allowed his mum to neglect him.

Aggressive teens are really hard to deal with and the state provide very little support to help parents until it’s far too late. But what OP appears to be describing here is a set of adults who, rather than trying to address a child’s significant needs that were evident years ago, have simply done what they can to lower immediate friction. OP is part of that. She isn’t some innocent bystander.

slowquickstep · 28/10/2022 16:11

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/10/2022 12:07

This.
He's 17 and everyone deserves a second chance if he can sort out his issues.
You have been more than helpful to him.
And say that he is never to shout and swear at you like that again. You will not put up with it. He is on a verbal warning.

Whether he stays or not all depends on his response and future intentions.

Show quote history

I think his time at his Aunts was his second chance.

Original poster
RasDonavin · 28/10/2022 16:36

He very rarely drinks, I'm not sure about drugs but I don't think so. I've not let him behave like this for 2 years, as I said in my OP it's only been the last 2ish months. He was well behaved as soon as he settled up until then, he did well in his gcses etc.

He doesn't have a job but that's due to him not being able to find another, as when he quit he was looking but now I think he's stopped. He told us he doesn't know what he wants to do so he can't do an apprenticeship.

He did have therapy and joined a club to control his anger, so we wasn't ‘neglecting’ him. He doesn't do that anymore as he doesn't want to.

He hasn't gone as I spoke to him earlier and he said he doesn't want to go back to his mums and DH was in bed, we are going to speak to him later though I think.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 16:48

He did have therapy and joined a club to control his anger, so we wasn't ‘neglecting’ him. He doesn't do that anymore as he doesn't want to.

I know you went beyond the call of duty taking him on OP, & you say it went better in the first year than this. But he has been allowed to drop out of college, chuck his job, stay out till all hours without informing you, & bring his g/f back to yours without invitation ... all this is what culminated in the straw that broke your back - WifiGate.
He doesn't seem to have heard the word "no" in the past year, & you reaching the end of your tether now - understandable as it is - is part of that whole process of not enforcing any boundaries on him.

neverbeenskiing · 28/10/2022 16:54

He then shouted and swore at me so I turned it back on.

Are you frightened of him, OP?

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 28/10/2022 17:04

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 16:48

He did have therapy and joined a club to control his anger, so we wasn't ‘neglecting’ him. He doesn't do that anymore as he doesn't want to.

I know you went beyond the call of duty taking him on OP, & you say it went better in the first year than this. But he has been allowed to drop out of college, chuck his job, stay out till all hours without informing you, & bring his g/f back to yours without invitation ... all this is what culminated in the straw that broke your back - WifiGate.
He doesn't seem to have heard the word "no" in the past year, & you reaching the end of your tether now - understandable as it is - is part of that whole process of not enforcing any boundaries on him.

Quite what do you think the op can do when he refuses to go to college? He isn’t a small child she can simply pick up and take to school. They probably have had conversations about this, more than once. But if someone is determined to not do something you can’t make them.

OP has he apologised for shouting and swearing at you? Does he realise that he was being abusive and scared you and your daughter?

Beautiful3 · 28/10/2022 17:07

Yes. Tell him to leave. He's Beibg incredibly disrespectful. Your children comes first.

Jedsnewstar · 28/10/2022 17:08

If he is out of the house pack his things and take them to his mothers. He is not your problem and nearly an adult. I wouldn’t let my own son quit college and not bother to get a job. He will continue to leech, maybe promise to behave. You are not helping him by letting him get away with this, in fact it is the opposite.

Naunet · 28/10/2022 17:18

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 16:06

OP isn’t “any aunt or uncle”. Taking their nephew in and allowing him to stay wasn’t simply a neutral act, it papered over his problems and allowed his mum to neglect him.

Aggressive teens are really hard to deal with and the state provide very little support to help parents until it’s far too late. But what OP appears to be describing here is a set of adults who, rather than trying to address a child’s significant needs that were evident years ago, have simply done what they can to lower immediate friction. OP is part of that. She isn’t some innocent bystander.

Show quote history

Wow. No good deed goes unpunished…

Naunet · 28/10/2022 17:21

He hasn't gone as I spoke to him earlier and he said he doesn't want to go back to his mums and DH was in bed, we are going to speak to him later though I think

Too bad, he should have thought about that before he spoke to you the way he did. Time for him to learn actions have consequences.

NumberTheory · 28/10/2022 18:07

Naunet · 28/10/2022 17:18

Wow. No good deed goes unpunished…

Show quote history

My point was that it wasn’t necessarily a good deed. Though OP has clarified that they weren’t passive in the way I’d assumed from her previous posts, so it’s not really relevant.

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 18:23

OP, he doesn't get to decide, you do.

I think you need to insist on space a d he needs to return to his mothers home.

He's not working, studying, college, atrending anger management classes.

He is behaving as if he answers to no one in your home.

The girlfriend staying at yours is the height of disrespectful behaviour.

You were doing your best to manage an angry shouting man with a young child in the house.

I simply wouldn't accept this.
No mention of sny apology.

He needs to return home, you need space.

He is refusing to help himself.
Your child needs a safe home.

I think you have been extremely kind, but it needs to end as it is no longer working.

MeridianB · 28/10/2022 18:44

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 18:23

OP, he doesn't get to decide, you do.

I think you need to insist on space a d he needs to return to his mothers home.

He's not working, studying, college, atrending anger management classes.

He is behaving as if he answers to no one in your home.

The girlfriend staying at yours is the height of disrespectful behaviour.

You were doing your best to manage an angry shouting man with a young child in the house.

I simply wouldn't accept this.
No mention of sny apology.

He needs to return home, you need space.

He is refusing to help himself.
Your child needs a safe home.

I think you have been extremely kind, but it needs to end as it is no longer working.

Al, of this, with bells on.

LynetteScavo · 28/10/2022 19:01

He's 17 and still needs parenting. He prefers it at your house because your not his parents, and therefor have just provided him with a room and meals. Having a 20yo GF sounds a bit...odd what does she see in someone so much younger? I'd be worried she is having an impact on his behaviour. If he doesn't behave respectfully he can go back to him mums, I'd make that very clear to both him and his mum.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/10/2022 22:47

He doesn't have a job but that's due to him not being able to find another, as when he quit he was looking but now I think he's stopped.
He needs to start applying to every single one. Doesnt matter if he doesnt like it as most adults don't particularly like their job. He needs a paypacket for rent, bills and food.

He told us he doesn't know what he wants to do so he can't do an apprenticeship.
He needs to decide if its a job or college or apprenticeship. Doing nothing is not an option. People often change careers later on in life but he needs to do something now

This is what parents have to do, support, guidance or just plain insisting. If you can't get him into the world of adulting then send him back to his real parents to do it. You (all the adults in his life) are letting him down badly by being so passive. A lot of teenagers need a firm pair of hands to steer them through this part of life. Its time to put on your big girl pants as you are all failing him badly.

whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 29/10/2022 00:05

Why was he allowed to have the gf stay over?