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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

520 replies

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

OP posts:
BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 16:31

Bloody hell. Of course it would be unfair.

Your wife needs to address with her daughter

How long have been together? Are you both RPs

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 16:31

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Huh? No,

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/10/2022 16:31

Yanbu and your stepdaughter is old enough to understand that as you rightly say, it's your daughters grandmother and not hers. Don't give in to this.

skilpadde · 27/10/2022 16:32

Your DD has lost her mum, and her maternal GM is maintaining their relationship by taking her on trips. It would seem immensely cruel to stop that.

Does your DSD see her own (maternal and/or paternal) grandparents?

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/10/2022 16:32

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why on earth should she? The other girl is not her late daughters child.

piscesangel · 27/10/2022 16:33

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Sorry but this is bonkers - the MIL wants to take her granddaughter away, not her late daughter's husband's new wife's daughter?!

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 16:34

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Please ignore Bull shit nonsense like this. It must be a bitter ex wife posting. Why the F must his late wife's mum take a child she has no relation with on holiday??

SidTwaddell · 27/10/2022 16:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Ekátn · 27/10/2022 16:34

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why?

One is her granddaughter. The daughter of her deceased daughter. The other isn’t even vaguely related, why would she?

Op your wife and her dd need to suck it up. Of course things aren’t fair. I can’t imagine your daughter think it’s fair her mum died either.

Things are often not exactly the same in the blended families, because the kids have different extended families.

Deciding your dd can no longer go on trips with her grandmother because YOU remarried and your new wife’s daughter is jealous, would be ridiculous.

Chikapu · 27/10/2022 16:34

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why would she do that? I think you need to explain your reasoning for this response.

ladyvimes · 27/10/2022 16:35

Your dd and her grandma are doing nothing wrong and their trips sound lovely.
I can understand a 13 year old being jealous but your wife needs to manage this behaviour. Totally not ok if your wife to suggest your dd stops the trips! That’s awful actually!

NaeQueen · 27/10/2022 16:35

YANBU. If it was your mum doing the trips maybe there could be an argument that she should take both girls. But I think the blending grandparents thing is different when you've got teenagers who are old enough to understand that they have their grandparents and their step sibling has their own.

Given it's not your mum but your late wife's mum, absolutely not. That's an important relationship for them, it should be cherished and preserved. There's a window into her mum there that your daughter won't get from anybody else.

Mrsherdwick · 27/10/2022 16:36

I’d get your dd a lock for her door so Rose doesn’t go snooping in her room!! That’s an invasion of privacy.
Your poor dd has lost her mum and now her sm wants her to lose her gm? That’s just so wrong.

feelthebeatfromthetangerine · 27/10/2022 16:36

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why? She's staying in touch with her late DD's husband (who has since remarried and moved on) and with her granddaughter.

The OP has blended his family with another woman (as is his choice, everyone deserves the chance at happiness again after suffering a loss), but his stepdaughter is no blood relation to his ex-MIL. You can't force the woman to have a relationship with who is effectively a random child to her.

Stopping the visits? Well, that hurts the OP's DD, and it hurts his ex-MIL who has lost her own child, and who sees part of her late daughter in her grandchild.

All this does is pander to the OP's stepdaughter.

It's a shame he and his wife can't afford to spoil her separately, but it's not as if they are maliciously treating the kids differently. Sometimes in blended families like this, things don't entirely even out.

What about Rose's father? Does she have one? Because if so, it's unfair she gets to have a parent and a stepparent, when Iris's mother is dead. You cannot make everything 100% even for everyone. All you can do is try your best with compassion.

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 16:36

Op you need to stand very firm on this. Tell your dsd and her mum this isn't any business of theirs and it's not up for any discussion. And definitely address the snooping. If they insist on it being fair , then tell your wife that her mother needs to take you dsd on holiday.

milawops · 27/10/2022 16:37

And your wife thinks that stopping your daughter going on trips with her grandmother that have been a tradition for years will restore harmony does she?
If you stop your daughter going away with her grandmother she will hold it against you for years possibly forever. And she will know it's your wife's daughter that is the reason she can't go on these trips anymore. I can't see that encouraging a loving relationship between them in the future.
This is a link to the mother she lost. To break that for the sake of someone else's jealousy seems unspeakably cruel.

suzyscat · 27/10/2022 16:37

I'd say it's very important that these trips go ahead undisrupted and your partner and step daughter need to back off.

Beamur · 27/10/2022 16:37

Op you need to stand very firm on this. Tell your dsd and her mum this isn't any business of theirs and it's not up for any discussion
This with bells on.

SidTwaddell · 27/10/2022 16:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

feelthebeatfromthetangerine · 27/10/2022 16:37

Mrsherdwick · 27/10/2022 16:36

I’d get your dd a lock for her door so Rose doesn’t go snooping in her room!! That’s an invasion of privacy.
Your poor dd has lost her mum and now her sm wants her to lose her gm? That’s just so wrong.

This. She's being incredibly selfish. But that's called being 13.

She's not going to understand now why her stepsister gets more treats than her. When she grows up, she'll get it then.

The wonderful thing about teenagers is they grow out of it.

eish · 27/10/2022 16:38

Your DD has lost her mother, the fact her maternal grandmother is such a good one is lovely. Rose needs to work on her jealousy.

Life is not always entirely fair and even (the unfairness of losing a parent is a prime example of this). Your wife needs to help rose see this rather than add fuel to the fire and at 13 she is quite old enough to see this.

Luckynumbereight · 27/10/2022 16:39

Rose sounds like a spoiled brat. Stand firm on this, OP. Your daughter must have your support here.

MummyInTheNecropolis · 27/10/2022 16:39

YANBU at all. Maybe someone needs to remind Rose how lucky she is to have a mother, I’m pretty sure Iris would rather have her mother still alive than anything else in the world, and no way should she be denied something that gives her comfort and makes her feel closer to the mother she has lost and her family.

thing47 · 27/10/2022 16:39

The long and the short of it is – your new wife doesn't get a say in her stepdaughter's relationship with her own grandmother, particularly when it now functions as a connection between the two of them which keeps the memory of your late wife alive for them both.

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