AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Doesn't Rose have a grandmother of her own? Tell you wife to stop being so bloody unkind. There is no way you should stop the trips. Your poor daughter, I'm surprised you would even consider your wife's idea. Sounds like Rose is acting like a spoilt brat and needs to be told in no uncertain terms, that Iris has lost her Mum, and spending time with her grandmother is the only way she can have any sort of shared memories of her.

Life isn't fair. It dealt your DD a cruel hand by taking we mother form her when she was young and it is wonderful she can maintain a relationship with her GM. Your DW and Rose need to understand that this immensity important for Iris. It might seem unfair to Rise but she has her DM and Iris doesn't. Stand your ground here OP.

I usually feel that gps need to make more effort to include the non related dc in blended family situations but the fact that your dd’s dm has died changes the situation.

GM has lost a dd, and your dd has lost her dm, and the trips are more than bonding and fun but also a shared connection with a lost loved one.

I think I’m this case, Rose needs to appreciate that she has a living mother. Her jealousy is understandable and age appropriate and can be approached compassionately but I imagine Iris would much prefer her dm than any amount of things.

I presume your SD has both parents living?

Your DD sadly does not. These trips are a link to the mum she lost a child, and it would be horribly cruel to stop them.

You are completely correct that as long as they are treated equally by the two of you, what wider family do is , and should be, specific to each child and their own family background.

She really isn't.
The dd has lost her mum why on earth should she be made to share her grandmother?
I would get your DP to talk to her dd and remind her that she doesn't have her mum and her dgm is the closet thing to her.

Wtf! As if! It’s his late wife’s mother, nothing to do with Rose at all!

As a divorced parent who remarried I'm very big on children being treated equally. However in the instance I think it's totally reasonable that your dd continues these trips and has time with her grandmother.

Op you need to stand very firm on this. Tell your dsd and her mum this isn't any business of theirs and it's not up for any discussion
This with bells on.

Your wife needs to manage her daughter's jealousy appropriately. It's understandable that her daughter might feel jealous, but it doesn't mean she needs pandering to.

Why?

Your wife sounds like a horrible person.

Don't stop the trips! That would be outrageous

Because the two are sisters now, and it's unkind to single out one sister to receive special treats while the other receives nothing.

I assume @BaffledShopper completely misread the OP with that ridiculous suggestion.

Rose needs to get over it.
Your wife needs to speak the spoilt brat and explain the situation.

Continue to encourage DD and DGMs relationship.

Your DD has lost her mum, it would be horrific to stop the relationship with GM. Besides, she's 16- she can make her own choices !

They’re not sisters. They don’t share a granny, she’s only Iris’s. Rose and her idiotic mum (is it you @BaffledShopper?) will just have to suck it up.

Your wife is being totally unreasonable. Can't believe she is requesting a trip that pre-dates her relationship with you, a trip enjoyed by a grandmother and grandaughter be cancelled because her daughter's nose is put out. You say you married last year, so I am assuming Iris was early teens when your wife passed away.

Your wife needs to manage her daughter's expectations. Perhaps Rose and more importantly your wife needs reminding that this time alone with her grandmother is special and important because not only does Iris get to carry on the tradition as her mum is gone. Her grandmother can talk freely about her mum and Iris can ask questions.

And your wife needs to tell Rose to stop snooping in step sister's bedroom.

She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why on earth should she? The OPs new stepdaughter means absolutely nothing to the mother of his late wife

Why? The other girl isn’t her granddaughter. My eldest DD used to go horseriding with her father’s sister, she didn’t take my younger DD, who has a different father, because that would have been weird!

For the same reason that, when visiting a family with two children, you don't bring gifts for just one of them!

OP's MIL could look at it as though she has been gifted with another grandchild.

Of course your daughter should continue her trips with her grandmother.
I can’t believe anyone would be even suggesting otherwise!
Also your DD is practically an adult at 16. She can do as she pleases. Especially if you’re not paying!
Tell her to go and have a wonderful time.
Stick up for your DD.

I think your new wife and SD are being unfair. Your mil has lost her daughter and now others want to potentially damage her relationship with her granddaughter.
your new wife and SD should definitely be treated the same by you both but they’re expecting too much here.

It would have been kind to take your younger DD horseriding, not weird!

Are we only meant to be kind to those who are blood relatives?

But we’re probably talking an extra 100’s of £££!
Not just a tenner for a small gift!
This other child is NOT her family or her responsibility! It’s nonsense to suggest she should have to take her!

Or maybe the wife and her dd could se the importance of Ops dd having a good relationship and time away with her grandmother, since she has lost her own mother.

Ops Mil does not have another granddaughter.

Why? I agree some sensitivity is called for, but that doesn't need to involve actually taking her along

I agree that Rose shouldn't have snooped in her sister's bedroom; however, that is a separate issue.