AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Your MIL is def not BU, please don't suggest this to her.
Your MIL has lost a DD and your DD has lost her mum. I think it is lovely they continue to go away.
Your step daughter needs to realise the works does not revolve around her unfortunately

Unfortunately there is a lot of truth in this. Your dd should inherit her mothers share of things and then the op can divvy up his half of the original marital assets as he sees fit. Don’t let your dd lose her mothers assets in the event of your demise, op.

I wouldn’t disagree with anything you’ve said. But that’s not what’s happening here. The OP is clearly trying to do his best for his daughter and doesn’t deserve the diatribe levelled at him by this particular poster - as others have pointed out.

I'm trying to imagine a situation where I'd lost my daughter but was able to have days out with her own daughter. I can only imagine how poignant those days would be and how many memories it would bring back.

Those who are saying that the grandmother should treat the two girls equally should get a grip. The grandmother has suffered the worst loss any of us can imagine and she should be understood rather than villified.

OP, I'm hoping against odds that you do not lose your backbone here, but stand up for your daughter.

I'm disappointed the 13 year old in so lacking in compassion, that she cannot see why this connection is important for her step-sister.

I'm even more disappointed that your wife is so selfish/ignorant or cruel, that she even brought this to you, instead of highlighting to her daughter why this is not a cause to pursue.

And, I'm thankful your daughter is of an age where she can vote with her feet, if you can't stand up for her.

I really hope you extinguish this whole thing promptly and decisively without her even knowing. It would be unfair for her to have to contend with this animosity around something that's undoubtedly precious to her; and it would be awful to have a strained relationship with her remaining parent over this.

I actually think there is only one poster who thinks the DGM should treat the girls equally, everyone sees it logically that the time is incredibly important to both Iris and Granny.

Iris has a trip with her Granny a couple of times a year.

Rose sees her Dad every couple of months.

Neither girl has a right, or reason to expect to be invited on the others family time.

I think this is an important learning opportunity for Rose to understand that fair doesn't always mean equal. Iris has a relationship with her grandmother that is perfectly valid and I imagine pretty valuable given Iris lost her mother. It's similar to a friend at school going on a fancy holiday. We can't all have the same things.

What would seem sensible is that when Iris is away you three do some nice treat type things that don't cost loads. And give Rose love and attention. Be understanding, but firm.

Having said that I think Iris also needs to be sensitive with regards things like showing off expensive presents. Again a life lesson as she will have richer and pooer friends than her throughout life and should be sensitive to others' feelings.

Picking up on a theme of this thread, it is not beyond the realms of the possible that in the event of your death that Iris may be significantly disadvantaged given the default rules of inheritance unless you have updated your will after your marriage to express your wishes about what Iris inherits.

From what has been shown so far, your wife does not understand the principles of fairness. Being treated equally or the same is not the same as fair.

Please do not ever rely upon the goodwill of others when it comes to distributing money, property & precious items to those you love. Take a trip to your solicitor for advice, determine that your will is written so that your wishes for Iris are explicit & cannot be be challenged once you are gone.

The minimum I would expect is that all personal items (e.g. jewellery, furniture, books, art etc) associated with Iris’s mother are to go to her, a share of any property that Iris’s mum brought unto the marriage, & even to the point of your assets at the time of your wife’s sad death. Protect Iris’s interest first & foremost. If this is too complex to undertake, then a short sweet solution is to take out an investment vehicle that favours only Iris.

Consider making Iris one of or the only beneficiary of your work pension if you have one, this is low effort.

I also suggest that you have a gentle & frank conversation with Iris’s grandmother about this & as best you may bring this to light so that Iris’s possible inheritance is carefully ringfenced, e.g. not left to you for when she is older as it might inadvertently become part of your estate.

Yes, this is a far reaching point but by my advanced years & HR experience I have seen too many bereaved loved ones stuffed when a well meaning person did not keep their estate planning carefully up to date & their wishes made clear when they remarried.

Amazes me how easily those on MN jump to ‘end the marriage’. Iris has lost her mum and her dad has remarried. So on top of her grief at the loss of her mum and the difficulty of coping with a blended family, you would foist the trauma of an early divorce on her as well ? This isn’t a reason for divorce - it’s a reason for husband and wife to sit down together and thrash out issues which clearly haven’t been sorted before the marriage. Rather than coming from a position of malice, it sounds to me as though the new wife is having difficulty setting boundaries for her daughter and is projecting rather than sorting out some ground rules and boundaries. Yes, she has been thoughtless in her handling of the situation, but it’s a new situation for them all and there are bound to be stumbling blocks while they find their way. But hey, if it’s too hard, just pack up and leave. Jesus !!

These kinds of behaviour are often the start… as I suggested to the op, watch and see what’s happening here, open your eyes and pay attention

While I don't think it's a LTB I certainly think it's open your eyes, what else is going on, what is Op doing to protect Iris and his relationship with her, and making sure her future is secure?

@expat101 a very good point.
My friend never saw her mothers engagement ring/jewellery again, and has very few precious photos.

All were disposed of by her SM when her father died suddenly, despite repeated requests.
His will left everything to his wife.

She received a couple of photos in later years, found in the houses of relatives, but has only a single photo of herself as a child, as everything was disposed of.

Astonishing how easily some might excuse such unkindness to a bereaved child, by an adult recently married in, with the suggestion of confusion or being overwhelmed.

I do not think such a spectacularly presumptuous suggestion, that a previously established tradition should now suddenly cease, is in anyway accidental 🙄.

More like it is, what was, a previously held view, now confidently being verbalised because the OP has married her.

I sincerely hope the grandmother sews up Rose's inheritance very tightly, and this thread will spur the OP into making proper provision for his child.

With a woman like the one he has so recently married, and whom now appears to be showing her hand, you really cannot be too careful.

Iris's inheritance!

@louisart I don't know if you are going to come back to this thread but I hope you do and I hope - for your daughter, your MIL and YOUR sake, that you read each and every comment.

Your MIL deserves as much compassion as your DD. Shame on your wife for not teaching her DD better.

I’ve not read through the whole thread but want to add something as someone who lost their mum when they were 9. OP, if you don’t take your daughter’s side in this against your new wife you risk irreparably damaging your relationship with your daughter forever. This isn’t about equal / unequal treatment - as many people seem to have pointed out, it’s a way for your daughter (and her grandmother) to maintain a connection with her mum. I’m afraid this for me would just be something that isn’t up for negotiation. It is, quite frankly, nothing to do with your new wife. And if she can’t see the importance of the trips for your daughter it displays a startling lack of empathy.

It’s all fun and games until someone walks in on a teenager masturbating or having sex. They aren’t 5 anymore. Grow up.

.....I think we can close nominations for Least-thought-through Advice of the Year.

@couscous it is very normal in healthy families to knock on each others bedroom doors.

I have knocked on the bedroom doors of my children since they were about 5 or 6.

The reason being, if I did it, they would register their body autonomy and their right to privacy as a very natural automatic right of being.

My children have always tapped on each others doors and hand on heart it has never been a conversation we ever had to have.

Similarly good manners.
If you use them on the smallest of children they will absorb them as their language too.

Rifling through the bedroom of another person is NOT normal teenage behaviour.

I think people do a huge unfair disservice to teens in general, to accredit such behaviour as normal to teens.

It is hugely disrespectful, invasive behaviour, that I would would say is the bad behaviour of a certain type of teen, but certainly not how the majority behave.

Why ??

@couscous was obviously never 16.

Have you asked your MiL how she feels about the idea of being prevented from going somewhere alone with her grand-daughter?

You say she lives at some distance from you; how well does she actually know your step-daughter and new wife? More than in a "drop Iris off and leave for home" way? Well enough in Rose's case to want to spend a week with Rose and no other adult to help with looking after her? (You don't say what the duration of the trips is so I am saying a week at a guess.)

Did you go on these trips she, your late wife and daughter went on? If not, perhaps telling Rose that you have never been invited either might help her to come to terms a bit with the idea that sometimes, extra people are simply in the way.

For what it's worth, I personally think that your new wife has made a mistake, and I hope very much that when she realises what an unreasonable thing she is asking of you, and Iris, and Iris's GM, she will reconsider and withdraw her – honestly, it will be – destructive suggestion. Stopping a long family tradition, one which has been going on since before Rose was anything to do with that family, just because Rose is being a jealous adolescent about it, is absolutely not the way to arrive at family harmony. I don't have any reason to assume you have married a destructive person, and very much hope that once she has realised what she is doing it will turn out that you haven't.

My daughter died young and her H got a new partner. I kept my daughters jewellry and planned to give it to my granddaughter when she reached 18. She went to uni so asked me to look after it. Her dad has had about four partners since then so the jewellery was definitely with me.

I think the idea of Rose going with them is just a massive no no.

Could anyone imagine Rose's Dad feeling obliged to take Iris out for the day?

A side issue- but to the people suggesting that they are kids and should be in and out of each other’s rooms and also calling them sisters, they have not been brought up together and Iris didn’t live with Rose until she was fifteen. Of course they need their privacy and time to adjust to living in the same household. They aren’t really sisters and the best that can be hoped for is that they get on reasonably well.

I'm wondering if the new wife has some mental capacity deficit?

Can she not see both daughters are treated equally within the confines of the family home/dynamic?

I'm further wondering if the spoiled, mercenary, jealous, snooping, entitled brat is a mini-me of her mother? That sort of behaviour left unchecked indicates a parent who sees that behaviour as 'normal' when it clearly is not.

My final comment would be, under my watch, there would be no special treats / events lined up for the 13yo in the 16yo's absence. Why not? Because the 16yo would be missing out on equal treatment within the family dynamic which appears to be a 'demand' of the new wife.