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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

520 replies

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

OP posts:
viques · 27/10/2022 16:58

Tell your DSD that if she is ever in the position of having a dead mother she will no doubt be welcome to go on trips with a caring relative. Or words to that effect………..

Waitingfordecember · 27/10/2022 16:58

Stopping your daughter’s trips with her maternal grandmother would be absolutely unforgivable.

She deserves to keep her relationship with her maternal family and your wife’s insistence that it stops would make me reassess the relationship entirely.

Freeme31 · 27/10/2022 17:00

You daughter & her grandmother MUST continue their trips. I hate to say this but you have not married a very nice woman if she cannot see this. As for your wife's daughter she sounds like a spoiled brat

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 17:01

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Eh? It's not even Roses step dads mum.

This suggestion is batshit.

PunchDrunkTurtle · 27/10/2022 17:01

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:50

Because the two are sisters now, and it's unkind to single out one sister to receive special treats while the other receives nothing.

Show quote history

They're not at all sisters.

Why should a grieving mother never be allowed to spend time with her granddaughter alone because her son in law remarried?

That's ridiculous.

Rose needs to get the fuck over herself. A dead mother isn't fair, having to live with a spoilt child isn't fair.

Knackeredmommy · 27/10/2022 17:01

YANBU. What a lovely bonding time for your DD and her grandmother, a time where they can help each other deal with the loss of a daughter and mother. SD sees the holidays but doesn't seem to understand why they're so important to your DD. But your DD shouldn't miss out.

PunchDrunkTurtle · 27/10/2022 17:02

This is some Cinderella shit right here. I really hope it's not true

PrincessScarlett · 27/10/2022 17:02

The trips are about a grandmother and her granddaughter having a special relationship in the absence of dead daughter/mother. It's absolutely disgusting that Rose is jealous of this and she sounds like an absolute brat. Your new wife sounds a delight too, almost like the wicked stepmother in Cinderella, trying to force her own daughter into the limelight.

And they are kind enough to buy presents for Rose when they go away, they choose to do that when they really don't have to.

OP, Iris is 16, old enough to leave home and I think if you put a stop to her relationship with her grandmother you will find she moves out of your home into grandmother's home.

Dragonskin · 27/10/2022 17:03

OP's MIL could look at it as though she has been gifted with another grandchild

But she hasn't. The girl is a complete random to her, and is not her granddaughters sister (just the random child of the person her son in law married)

Iris is 16, her mother has died, her dad has remarried and this is a much loved tradition with her maternal grandmother. The 13 year old sounds like she is being a brat because she wants 'stuff', and her mother is being completely unreasonable even suggesting that Iris doesn't go

booboo82 · 27/10/2022 17:04

Your step daughter is a dick lol and sounds very spoilt and entitled

knowsmorethansnow · 27/10/2022 17:04

Sometimes life is fair and maybe that's what your SD needs to learn.

ImAvingOops · 27/10/2022 17:04

You can't treat them exactly the same because they aren't exactly the same - your dd has lost a mum.
Im struggling to believe this post is even real tbh - I don't think anyone would be so insensitive as to think this is reasonable.
But assuming it is, tread carefully - your dd is 16 and if you want to keep her in your life, you have to not allow your new wife to fuck up her relationships with her mum's family. If you prioritise the petty jealousy of your new wife and step daughter, it will cost you your own relationship with your daughter

Dragonskin · 27/10/2022 17:05

PunchDrunkTurtle · 27/10/2022 17:02

This is some Cinderella shit right here. I really hope it's not true

I was thinking exactly the same!

KitchiHuritAngeni · 27/10/2022 17:07

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:54

For the same reason that, when visiting a family with two children, you don't bring gifts for just one of them!

OP's MIL could look at it as though she has been gifted with another grandchild.

Show quote history

Yes, nothing quite like wanting a bereaved mother to have her nose rubbed in the fact her daughter died by having to take a spoiled brat on holiday or lose access to her granddaughter 👍

Odile13 · 27/10/2022 17:07

I think it would be awful to stop Iris going on trips with her grandmother. Honestly, I can’t believe anybody thinks that is a ‘fair’ suggestion. Poor Iris.

PurplePixies · 27/10/2022 17:07

I think you should persuade Iris to move in with devoted granny and leave behind her twatty father, dickhead new step mother and spoilt brat step sister.

Problem solved!

serenaisaknobhead · 27/10/2022 17:07

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Don't be ridiculous. The wife needs to explain to her daughter that they don't share grandparents so it's kind of tough. Both mother and daughter need to accept this; this has been happening a while and should continue.

liveforsummer · 27/10/2022 17:07

I usually feel that gps need to make more effort to include the non related dc in blended family situations but the fact that your dd’s dm has died changes the situation.

The GP's of the parent in the current relationship maybe. The gp's who are parents of the ex partner, alone or otherwise generally don't have anything to do with any children if needed partners. My mum has never met my ex's new partner and her dc and is never likely to! Imagine if she had to take her 4 dc out when she takes mine. Batshit!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2022 17:08

Tell your wife it’s not up for discussion, she can butt right out, and you need to protect your child’s privacy by banning anyone from snooping in her stuff.

Outrageous. That anyone would resent your DD having quality time with her late mum’s mum is revolting.

Maray1967 · 27/10/2022 17:08

thing47 · 27/10/2022 16:39

The long and the short of it is – your new wife doesn't get a say in her stepdaughter's relationship with her own grandmother, particularly when it now functions as a connection between the two of them which keeps the memory of your late wife alive for them both.

Exactly this. I lost my mother at an early age and had a close relationship with my gran. If my dad had married someone with a daughter and this situation had happened to
me my relationship with my dad would have been destroyed.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 17:09

The unreasonable one here is your wife who asked.

Most 13yos would find this tough - the fact that her mum has even thought it was reasonable to suggest you stop your child from doing this just so she doesn't have to parent her own dd is laughable and; quite honestly, would make me question the marriage.

Stand up for your dd here.

Leobynature · 27/10/2022 17:12

Of course the trips shouldn’t stop because of another child’s jealousy. It must be incredibly hard for the grandmother losing her daughter and the daughter losing her mother, this is a time for them to grieve and heal.

AdviceOnLife · 27/10/2022 17:12

Iris is 16 so technically an adult, it should be up to her how she manages a relationship with her grandmother. If she is happy with the situation, a long-term situation that both her and her gran seemed to have very much enjoyed, then I would not even be discussing it with Iris.

It's up to your wife and you to explain to Rose that is is the situation and it won't be changing.

thing47 · 27/10/2022 17:13

Yes, you really need to step up here @louisart and tell your new wife that your daughter's relationship with her grandmother is none of her business.

At 13 I assume that at least some of Rose's own grandparents are still alive, and those are the relationships over which your wife has a say; this one, not so much.

Mariposista · 27/10/2022 17:15

Your wife's daughter needs to stop being such a jealous little brat. And keep out of her SS room! She is old enough to understand the relationship between Iris and her GM and that this aspect of family life does not apply to her.