Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

520 replies

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 27/10/2022 17:26

Ask your wife if she’s going to stop living with Rose since Iris can’t live with her mother…

I once had to put it that bluntly to a relative of mine when they complained about my DH’s MIL taking my DSS away alone.

Your daughter has lost her mother, don’t allow your step-daughter’s jealousy to damage her relationship with her grandmother.

BruceAndNosh · 27/10/2022 17:27

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why? Rose is not her grandaughter.

She is the daughter of the woman her son in law married

whowhatwerewhy · 27/10/2022 17:27

Your wife is being unreasonable.
Your daughters holidays with her grandmother has nothing to do with your wife and SD.
If your DD was older and went on holiday with a boyfriend/ husband would SD need to go too .

SuperCamp · 27/10/2022 17:27

Does your wife really not have the empathy to understand how important these trips are between grandmother and granddaughter, and especially after their joint terrible loss?

Your DW needs to give her head a wobble, and manage her own DD’s expectations and understanding.

Are there any other factors fuelling Rose’s jealousy? Does she spend time with her father and feel that Iris gets time with your DW while she is away? She has, after all, watched another older girl come into her household and live f/t with her own Mum while she sometimes is away?

13 yos are very volatile and emotional beyond their maturity to handle it. It is your DE’s job to help her manage it.

Not dismantle an important part of your DD’s life!

LoveLarry · 27/10/2022 17:27

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 17:16

OP do you agree that (as most pp are claiming) your step-daughter and your daughter are not sisters?

And do you agree that we should only be kind and generous to family members who we are related to by blood?

If not, then i think your former MIL is being (perhaps unintentionally) unkind to the younger girl with these extravagant trips. Your family has changed now and perhaps she needs to take that into account.

It's unprincipled to single out one member of a community (in this case the 'community' is a family) for special treatment. As we can see it creates resentment drives a wedge into that community.

These two are going to be sisters (or whatever you want to call them) long after grandma is gone (and mum and dad also for that matter).

Again

What?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 27/10/2022 17:27

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 17:16

OP do you agree that (as most pp are claiming) your step-daughter and your daughter are not sisters?

And do you agree that we should only be kind and generous to family members who we are related to by blood?

If not, then i think your former MIL is being (perhaps unintentionally) unkind to the younger girl with these extravagant trips. Your family has changed now and perhaps she needs to take that into account.

It's unprincipled to single out one member of a community (in this case the 'community' is a family) for special treatment. As we can see it creates resentment drives a wedge into that community.

These two are going to be sisters (or whatever you want to call them) long after grandma is gone (and mum and dad also for that matter).

How did I know you were going to come out with "be kind" somewhere along the way.

Why is it on the people who have lost the most to give up even more in order to appease a spoiled brat and her enabling mother?

BruceAndNosh · 27/10/2022 17:27

Who pays for Iris's trips?

SammyScrounge · 27/10/2022 17:28

Is dear little Rose going to throw tantrums when, for example, Iris inherits from relatives on her mother's side?
The bond with a grandmother can be a mainstay in a child's life. To a grandmother who has lost her own daughter the granddaughter is a solace. You have no idea what you are doing if you interfere with this powerful relationship.
Rose's greed and envy should be discouraged. Have a word with your wife about how Iris gets her grandmother's treats.
Then she.csn join.her own daughter in sullen envy.

Blossomtoes · 27/10/2022 17:29

These two are going to be sisters (or whatever you want to call them) long after grandma is gone (and mum and dad also for that matter)

If the younger one carries on like this I very much doubt that will be the case. Give it a couple of years and there will be no contact at all. Especially when granny leaves Iris all her money and Rose has a hissy fit.

Lapland123 · 27/10/2022 17:29

This is not unlike the other thread about a sister wanting OP’s bereaved daughter to share her room!

if things are to be exactly equal, Rose must also have lost a parent. Is that the case?

of course the trips should continue for Iris, poor girl has lost her mum at a young age and no doubt benefits greatly from the time and love from her grandmother

this shouldn’t even be a question! Unless you are trying to finish Iris off altogether

AdviceOnLife · 27/10/2022 17:30

@BaffledShopper Of course the gran shouldnt take Rose.
Rose is her former son-in-laws new wife's child from a previous relationship.

This woman has lost her daughter. And the daughter has lost her mum. They probably don't see each other as much as they would if the mum hadn't passed.
This is their time to bond and feel close to each other and to their lost loved one.

They don't need a spoilt child tagging along who is only there for the gifts.

rubysparkles1 · 27/10/2022 17:31

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Rose isn’t her granddaughter. This is a new marriage. It’s nice that Iris can bond with her grandma. Why can’t Rose bond with her own grandma?

Goldbar · 27/10/2022 17:32

Besides everything else, your DD is 16. That means you and your wife really have very little say in her relationship with her grandmother, including whether she goes on these trips or not. She's a young adult... she can make her own decisions on family relationships.

Sausagelove · 27/10/2022 17:32

Your wife sounds really nasty and doesn’t have your daughters best interest at heart.

Dinoteeth · 27/10/2022 17:32

I'm sure Rose probably gets stuff from her Dad / Dads family that Iris doesn't get either.

Honestly people on here are nuts!

bloodyeverlastinghell · 27/10/2022 17:33

This is one of those fair does not mean equal. It would be horribly cruel to your daughter to stop her seeing her grandmother. Try and make your stepdaughters time special during your daughter trip. A theme park or a mother and daughter bonding session at a spa, so she feels that she is valued too.

id be really annoyed at your wife for suggesting it tbh It’s an anything for an easy life rather than do some parenting.

seven201 · 27/10/2022 17:33

I think it's lovely iris gets to go on special trips with her deceased mums mum.

Rose and her mum need to show some empathy and get over it. They could go on a day trip or something and just explain that it's all you can afford.

Rinatinabina · 27/10/2022 17:34

Poor girl should be allowed to go away with her gran guilt free. I’m sure your MIL talks to her about what her own daughter was like. Your MIL will have stories about her daughter that are important to share with your daughter. It’s beautiful that they have this time together. If my Dd passed away (god forbid) I would want to fill my granddaughter with all the stories and memories I have of my child so she knows her mum in the way I did.

Your MIL lost her child your child lost her mum their bond and nurturing it is so important. I cannot believe how selfish your wife is being.

SuperCamp · 27/10/2022 17:34

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:54

For the same reason that, when visiting a family with two children, you don't bring gifts for just one of them!

OP's MIL could look at it as though she has been gifted with another grandchild.

Show quote history

Lots of divorced MN-ers have Dc who go on holiday with their Dads, and no one expects that Dad to take the new DH’s kids.

LeFeu · 27/10/2022 17:35

Of course YANBU. My younger children (8 and 6) can grasp that their older sister gets to go on holidays with her dad that they don’t get to go on. It’s not difficult.

if you need to sell it maybe say you’ll take Rose for a nice dinner out or do some special day trips or something that she enjoys that Iris doesn’t whilst Iris is away. But certainly do not capitulate - it is really important that your daughter retains this special link to her mum and her mum’s family and it is cruel of your wife to try and take that away.

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 17:35

I knew this OP wouldn’t return

moksorineouimoksori · 27/10/2022 17:35

Another vote for you are NOT being unreasonable... I'm sorry but how can your wife think of trying to split apart her step daughter's family tradition like that? I can understand the younger daughter being jealous but unfortunately she's 13, immature and just ultimately being silly. She needs to be talked to. Can you give her a special treat of her own that maybe isn't as big as the trip but at least gives her something that Iris doesn't have?

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2022 17:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2022 17:08

Tell your wife it’s not up for discussion, she can butt right out, and you need to protect your child’s privacy by banning anyone from snooping in her stuff.

Outrageous. That anyone would resent your DD having quality time with her late mum’s mum is revolting.

Totally agree.

who in their right mind would complain about a mother who has lost her daughter spending time with her grand daughter? That’s a new level of fucked up behaviour.

rose is a spoiled brat, being pandered to by her deluded mother.

they both need to get their heads out of their arses and stop being so bloody self centred.

and Rose needs to be told to keep her sticky beak out of Iris’ room.

saraclara · 27/10/2022 17:36

I agree with a pp that if I was in your position, OP, I'd struggle to see the marriage surviving. Discovering that my spouse was so selfish and lacking in empathy would really shock me.

Had she ever shown this side to her personality before?

RenovationNightmare · 27/10/2022 17:36

thing47 · 27/10/2022 16:39

The long and the short of it is – your new wife doesn't get a say in her stepdaughter's relationship with her own grandmother, particularly when it now functions as a connection between the two of them which keeps the memory of your late wife alive for them both.

^This.
Do not let your wife dictate the relationship that your daughter has with her grandmother.
It sounds like a beautiful relationship.