AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Your wife and her daughter are being ridiculous. Ignore their jealousy and tell Rose to be glad she has a mother and these trips for iris are effectively a consultation prize.

Your wife is not a nice person. Bitter, nasty and jealous is what she is!

YANBU. Does your wife think her daughter should get a gift on your daughters birthday so she doesn't feel left out? She should help her learn to manage her feelings of jealousy without pandering to them. She could start doing something special with just the two of them when your DD is away.

Do something nice with Rose while Iris is away, but it would be so sad for Iris to deprive her of her special time with her Grandma.

Your DD has lost her mum, and her maternal GM is maintaining their relationship by taking her on trips. It would seem immensely cruel to stop that

I have to assume that Rose's father has also died, otherwise your new wife is being absolutely hateful.If this is the case then can Rose's grandparents start a similar tradition for her? Or an Aunt/Uncle? Otherwise your DW can arrange special Mother/Daughter time.
TBH you ex-MIL sounds so lovely- to not only organise this time with her Grandchild, but to also buy gifts for the step-family members. I'm sure your first wife would want this special relationship with her DM to continue.
Nip this bitterness in the bud.

I can’t stop reading this it beggars belief. Why do you even have to ask OP?! As for the trolly dolly on here please stop @ them or responding as they are clearly getting off on it as much as the spiteful new wife!

The problem here isn't the trips your dd takes with her grandmother, the problem is your step daughter's jealous nature. And stopping the trips won't change that. Your wife has over-stepped the boundries too.

Agreed.
Your wife is being plain nasty, op. And I'd put my daughter above my partner every time, especially in a situation where daughter and grandmother have lost their mum and daughter.

You, Iris and grandmother are doing nothing wrong.

Rose needs to stop being jealous and petulant, and your wife needs to parent her daughter better!

Rose’s mum needs to step up and do something with her. She may not be able to afford a trip but going to have their nails done, or ice skating, or wall climbing, whatever can be their thing, is important. She just needs to explain to Rose that Iris and her dgm have this arrangement, it’s something they do, have always done and will continue to do.
We all have to accept things in life we don’t like and I’m afraid she’ll just have to accept that.

Can not believe what I just read. Your daughter has a right to a relationship with her maternal grandmother no matter how much it annoys the step sister.

My heart goes out to the grandmother at even the idea that this precious time with her granddaughter could be taken from her.

As far as I would be concerned this is a nonnegotiable.

The jealousy is understandable in a child of that age, but it needs to be handled by talking to the child about the circumstances, and her feelings and reassuring her about her place in the new family. Not by taking away a precious link to a bereaved child's late mother!

I think that there is probably space for making the time of the holiday special for the child left at home, though. It doesn't have to mean huge expense, but maybe day trips or activities that she enjoys?

Tell your new wife her mother needs to take Rose away for some grandmother time

Because that's the equivalent

What? Why?

I agree with (almost) everyone else that Rose just has to learn that life is not always fair and that her family is not identical to her stepsister's family.

At the same time, I think you and Rose's mum could make more effort to take the sting out of this for Rose. Sure, you can't afford a trip to rival the one Iris is going on. But can't the two of you think of a very good treat for Rose? Even if you are completely skint, you could lavish attention on her while Iris is away. Maybe take a couple of days off work, buy Rose's favourite foods, play games and watch films on TV? Or is there anywhere Rose is really hankering to go which you CAN afford to take her to? This would be a good opportunity for her to be the centre of attention, the only child in the family for a short while.

I can't believe your new wife thought it was a good idea to suggest stopping these trips . My goodness that says a lot about her emotional intelligence and compassion, well lack of .
It's a lot more unfair that your daughter lost her mother. You need to remind you wife and step daughter of that and that they need to wind their necks in. A few shopping trips is not going to anywhere near compensate. Please stand firm on this.

I can't believe anyone would think it unreasonable for these trips to continue.
Your wife should be handling her daughter's jealousy better.

Completely agree.

What on earth a were you doing marrying such a poisonous woman and installing her in your poor daughters life?

Not enough that she loses her mother but her idiot of a father has to marry someone who would put words to such a ridiculous suggestion.

Shame on you.

Your wife must be turning in her grave at such a betrayal by you.

If you have an ounce of decency you will seperate quickly and cop yourself on.

Someone should point out that it is unfair that Iris has lost her mum and Rose still has hers. I bet anything that Iris would choose her mum over all the stuff she gets with her gran.

I fear you have really fucked up by marrying this woman. That she truly feels your daughter's trips with her grandmother should end is appalling. It's not hard to figure out why your wife's daughter is such a brat.

Absolutely don’t stop these trips. Whilst it would be lovely whilst your daughter’s away if you could also take your step daughter away but if you can’t, you can’t. Def try to spoil her a little bit with little treats, it’s a great time for 1:1 with her mum and doing stuff your daughter doesn’t enjoy. That might ease the jealousy from Rose if she knows Iris’ holiday week won’t just be a normal week for her.

Sorry, I do appreciate the pressure here, but your wife and her daughter are being utterly unreasonable. It is a fantastic thing that you've worked so hard to blend your families, but that should not be to the extent of obliterating your deceased wife's family, who have no reason to be part of that blend. If you stop these trips then your daughter will never forgive you, and neither will your former wife mother. And I couldn't blame them. And it will be seen as siding with " the other side". There may not have been "another side" previously - but there will be if you stop this contact. Being equal has never meant being the same. Rose needs to get over herself and realise that not everything in the world revolves around her, and she's lucky to have a family who love and care for her, but Iris has other family and a mother who is no longer there for her through no fault of her own.

And your wife needs to back off. It's beyond cruel, what she's suggesting, and hard to believe a mother can't see how important this relationship is to a young woman who has limited blood relations.

Of course the trips shouldn't stop. It would be the same sort of scenario if you were divorced and the ex (other parent) were taking their child away. Plus your dd is 16 and could move out, go on holiday with her mates etc. She's 16 she makes her own choices.

Are you there @louisart ? You're the second man in two days who's posted and then not interacted at all with responders (or in the other case, only very late and very briefly). And in both cases about a DD who's lost her mum.

Are you the same person?

Iris keeps going on trips with grandma

Wife needs to deal with rose.