AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

I agree, stand firm. Your daughter has lost her mother, that's more than any child should have to bear. Don't stop the special time she has with her gran, the main link she has to her mother.

I can understand the 13 year old though, teenagers can be selfish individuals and don't look at the bigger picture. However your wife should know better.

Unfair on Rose? The don’t appear to have thought about how unfair it would be for Iris of the trips were stopped.
Rose needs to stay out of Iris’s room and the wife needs to zip it.

Sadly, I agree with this. Your poor dd. Her Grandmother is probably her rock. The only person who puts her first.

I don't think you understand how blended families work. Yes they are sisters but Rose isn't the granddaughter. It's like a venn diagram with the blended family in the overlap in the middle but other members of the family of origin remain in the outer bits.

Your wife is showing her true colours and they aren't pretty.

OP do you agree that (as most pp are claiming) your step-daughter and your daughter are not sisters?

And do you agree that we should only be kind and generous to family members who we are related to by blood?

If not, then i think your former MIL is being (perhaps unintentionally) unkind to the younger girl with these extravagant trips. Your family has changed now and perhaps she needs to take that into account.

It's unprincipled to single out one member of a community (in this case the 'community' is a family) for special treatment. As we can see it creates resentment drives a wedge into that community.

These two are going to be sisters (or whatever you want to call them) long after grandma is gone (and mum and dad also for that matter).

My god, you are absolutely absurd.

What?

Why should she?

Strange comment

I guess if we are looking at who gets what, Iris would potentially be justified in being a little 'jealous' that Rose's mum is alive.
I think that looking at the big picture, some lovely holidays does not even begin to compare with that.
But Rose is 13 and possibly hasn't quite reached that level of thinking?

Read the rest of the comments from that poster- it gets even more absurd

I’m a bit concerned that at 13 DSD is still behaving / feeling in this way. I think most teenagers have grasped compassion can imagine losing a parent by then and even if she was a bit jealous would have the grace not to behave like this .
by that age I’d accepted that my siblings were more valued by their families and me by mine. I also wouldn’t have wanted to go on holiday with an old lady who wasn’t a relative ‘just cos she is wah wah!’
gently tell DSD to get a grip and tell her if her
SS comes back with loads of new things then she can have a shopping trip to compensate but she’s not to be an arse about it .

This!

Your daughter is 16 - does your wife really think you can just tell her she’s not allowed go ?!

No don’t stop these trips. I’d explain to the younger DD that Iris has lost her mother, this is her connection to her. She needs to understand that this is not something that will stop, nor should it

YANBU.

Your wife should remind Rose that Iris has lost her mother and the grandmother has lost her daughter. That should put a few trips and gifts into perspective.

Your step daughter needs to learn that life doesn't revolve around her. If you give in to this she will become one of those entitled bratty adults who I see everyday at work.

Iris has lost her mother. Hows that for being unfair. Come on get real.

These two are going to be sisters (or whatever you want to call them) long after grandma is gone (and mum and dad also for that matter).

Absolutely no guarantee of that. The parents might split up and they never see each other again as they really are not sisters - they might not even particularly like each other. Who's to say they'll stay in touch as adults even if their parents do stay together

Wtf @BaffledShopper , if I were to divorce and my husband get remarried, would I have to take his new step children on holiday? That’s the same distance of relationship as here.

Totally understandable that the 13 year old is jealous - that’s what teenagers do. But her mum’s job is to help her to understand why there is a difference here.

My parents got remarried when my stepsiblings and I were teenagers. It’s different than if your families are blended when the kids are young.

Rose needs to grow up and learn that she can't have everything she wants. She sound like a spoilt brat, to be perfectly frank.

No she shouldn't the other girl is no relation of hers why should she have a tag along? The grandmother should continue the trips, your new wife having a daughter is neither your daughter nor her grandmother's issue, why should your daughter miss out?

@BaffledShopper I'm Baffled at your logic.

She hasn't gained another Granddaughter. Your are talking about a woman who's lost a Daughter and trying to maintain her relationship with her DGD.

You are up there with the bonkers people on the other widowers thread who think he should give up his bed in his house for his neice.

You absolutely shouldn’t put a stop to these trips. Your DD has lost her mum and it is unfair to take away that time with another main woman in your DD’s life. I think this is just going to cause upset and resentment. Your DD is old enough to decide when she wants to stop these trips or continue going.

Please, please do not let your new wife and her daughter push you into this. I can’t help but have doubts about my new husband if he done this to me or my child

Ex mil

The grandmother lost her daughter. Your daughter list her mum. I can bear to think of the grief that each suffered.

I'm a grandmother. If, God forbid, I lost my daughter, my relationship with my granddaughter would be everything to me. And I'd be so grateful if her father encouraged that. Those holidays must be SO important to them both.

I know that teenagers don't specialise in empathy, but jeeze, surely your wife can just try to imagine what it must be like to lose a daughter. Or for her daughter to lose her?

No way should she be asking this. She should be explaining the situation very clearly to her daughter, and also telling her to stop snooping in your daughter's bedroom.

Treating them equally does not mean treating them the same.