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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
ABJ100 · 26/10/2022 09:32

Yanbu, please don't put this idea forward. I would decline something like this. Even though I could afford it, I would rather spend the money on a meal and gift for my friend. I wouldn't give up a weekend and then find childcare on top of that. No thanks.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 26/10/2022 09:34

No. You and bestie want to go away with your partners - your choice. Expecting people to pay, use up their weekends, find childcare… “just” to celebrate your birthday…. I wouldn’t go.

you’re right to put out feelers on this OP- I’d be speaking to bestie asap and shutting this down

JJJSchmidt · 26/10/2022 09:35

I think that's a great price if it was somewhere that I wanted to go. If it's for good friends can you ask them to give honest feedback about if they would want to do it/could afford it

Paq · 26/10/2022 09:35

YANBU. Unless you float the idea amongst your friends first and they agree. Just have a nice party. Adding up the cost of accommodation, travel, food, booze and presents makes it a lot of money for, at the end of the day, is just a birthday party.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2022 09:35

I would say no, because we can’t afford it at the moment.

Brefugee · 26/10/2022 09:36

decide what you want to do and do it. If it fits in with what bestie wants, fine and good (people are free to turn down invitations that will cost them a lot, you are free to offer to pay for it all or have people pay their way)

If your and her wishes no longer coincide - do separate things.

MrsJamieDornan · 26/10/2022 09:36

It really bugs me when people do this for their birthdays. If everyone had a weekend away costing that much, plus food and booze... if you want to celebrate with your friends invite them to a party or dinner.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 26/10/2022 09:37

That's unfair on other people. For some it might not be an issue, others might not willing/able to spend that much, others might save up but resent it. And if you book it and they don't come, you'll end up paying their share.
Can't you discuss it with the group and agree max they'd be prepared to pay?

I'd also say if you are expecting guests to pay for their accommodation, you and your friend should foot all other costs (food, drink etc)

AffIt · 26/10/2022 09:38

Only you know the financial situation of your friendship group, but at £170 per person / £340 per couple plus contribution to food and drink, travel, childcare if required etc, that's probably going to work out at around £5-600 per couple, and that's a heck of a lot of money for a weekend break.

I don't deny that it sounds fun, but I think it's probably a bit much of an ask for most people ATM (unless all your friends are hedge fund managers).

Fingernails4Cash · 26/10/2022 09:38

It's ok if the group are all friends with each other and there's consensus on having a group holiday that happens to be on the birthday. Then your birthday acts as the nudge or excuse for the group holiday everyone wants.

BUT if it's your birthday as primary driver, especially if this group of people wouldn't normally go on holiday together, then it's v v unreasonable

SophieJo · 26/10/2022 09:39

Have a party to celebrate but it’s cheeky expecting people to pay to stay somewhere. It’s like being invited to a wedding abroad when money is tight these days.

User17956743 · 26/10/2022 09:39

I definitely wouldn't go

LizTrussed · 26/10/2022 09:40

YANBU. The chances of last minute drop outs are high, and the more expensive the holiday house, the more it'll cost everyone else if it's suddenly divided by fewer people. And who needs their 40th birthday to be memorable for a giant sulk about who paid for the Tesco delivery and who left the cigarette burn on the rug?

xogossipgirlxo · 26/10/2022 09:40

"Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it."

HAHAHAHAHA. They have, but they might choose not to and spend money on something else. YANBU.

User17956743 · 26/10/2022 09:40

It sounds horrific

5foot5 · 26/10/2022 09:41

I would say I would like to go back to the original arrangement of just the two couples.

I think it does come across as a bit self centred to expect people to spend a lot of money on a weekend away for a birthday.

And it won't stop there. What will you all eat? Will someone have to cook or will you get meals out or caterers? What about entertainment? Will friends be expected to share cost of that.

Then there may be the niggles to sort out such as some rooms much better than others so people will feel they have paid more than their share.

What if some of your friends have children? Will you be happy for them to come or will you want it to be child free?

It potentially sounds like a nightmare to organise

Sago1 · 26/10/2022 09:42

Aside from the expense you have the problem of keeping 8 couples happy.
Not all the bedrooms will be of the same standard.
Not everyone will want to do the same things.
You're bound to get someone who will pay the deposit then have excuses when it comes to paying the balance etc, etc.
Stick to your guns.

DisappearingHelen · 26/10/2022 09:42

Possibly I might try and suggest you and your friend plan to pay to accommodate all your friends you invite. If you can’t afford it perhaps you’ll just have to save for it…? 😉

(if it turns out your friends are willing to pay then it’s a bonus!)

Skelligsfeathers · 26/10/2022 09:43

No
It is an awful idea

Clymene · 26/10/2022 09:44

You can't ask people to pay to attend your birthday party which is what this is.

AutumnCrow · 26/10/2022 09:44

Is she always like this?

RedHelenB · 26/10/2022 09:45

Ask your friends?

pumpkinelvis · 26/10/2022 09:45

I would love to go. Myself and my 8 good friends (from school) all turn 40 within 8 months. I'd love to organise 1 thing and get if done with. I'd liked to be asked at least, as I know my friends would. Just put the feelers out with rough costs before booking anything see who is interested.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/10/2022 09:46

We’d definitely come.

Can you sound out your other friends to see if anyone would be up for it then book a place accordingly?

FayeGovan · 26/10/2022 09:50

I didnt know so many grown adults used the word bestie. 🤷‍♀️