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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 10:13

Why is it unfair on the people you invite? You suggest it, say no pressure and they either say yes or no…what’s the big deal.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 26/10/2022 10:14

gorillalala · 26/10/2022 10:11

Wow there are a lot of people against group holidays and saying it'll put pressure on people.

Why would it? Surely the birthday person (in this case persons) just put an invite out saying "hey we're going to book a place for a weekend away, would you like to come?" ... and whoever wants to come, comes. There's no contract in place forcing you to go if you're invited 😆

OP, I think the idea itself is nice. My good friend turned 40 this year and did exactly this - asked a bunch of her close friends (many of who don't know each other well and have only met at other occasions of hers) if they wanted to join. Some came, many came without their partners so childcare wasn't an issue really. I personally went with my DH as we've both known her for years. It was a brilliant weekend.

However on the price - I'd say that's quite a lot per person for a shared house. My friend found an expensive place first and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't pay that especially if DH came too, and so she went to the effort of finding a bit of a cheaper place. I'm sure there were people who still said they couldn't afford to come, and that's fair enough - that shouldn't prevent people from having the birthday celebration that they want. It's their birthday, after all. If they had no interest then I guess they'd think twice and have to look for something cheaper but if they have a good number of people willing to pay X amount for a nice chilled weekend break, then it's all good, right?

And to the posters going on about the cost of food and drink - give over, you're gonna eat food wherever you are in the country (and often batch cooking with a large group of people on a weekend away is cheaper than getting a takeaway at home, for example), and nobody is telling you to consume large expensive amounts of alcohol.

^
This exactly

HangOnToYourself · 26/10/2022 10:14

If she wants a bigger group it would be better to float the idea and get an idea of numbers and then find appropriate accommodation based on that rather than trying to fill a large accommodation

saraclara · 26/10/2022 10:14

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

Nope. Even if I could run to it, I wouldn't pay that sort of money if I didn't know half the people going. Too big a risk of, at best bit enjoying their company, at worst having to spend the weekend with a grade A arsehole.

A recipe for disaster. There'll be arguments about who gets what room, the food, activities (some wanting to do stuff that others can't afford) and drop outs choosing everyone more.

These group weekends only work when it's a long established group of friends who have stayed in each others homes for weekends and so are tried and tested in this regard.

saraclara · 26/10/2022 10:14

At best NOT enjoying their company..

amspeechless · 26/10/2022 10:15

Had a similar situation a few years ago for very close relative who celebrated big birthday at an iconic landmark in Edinburgh.
The cost of travel ,two night accommodation ,outfit, food and booze over two days cost approximately £700 minimum.We just didn’t say no because we didn’t want to be party poopers .
Host paid for the venue which must have been eye watering but in hindsight it was too much to ask people to fork out to celebrate someone else’s Birthday.
Unless all your friends are very well off and are used to these kind of get togethers I would just go away as the two couples and have a party closer to home for everyone else .

FrippEnos · 26/10/2022 10:16

@gorillalala

And to the posters going on about the cost of food and drink - give over, you're gonna eat food wherever you are in the country (and often batch cooking with a large group of people on a weekend away is cheaper than getting a takeaway at home, for example), and nobody is telling you to consume large expensive amounts of alcohol

There is a huge price difference between eating and drinking out and buying in. Its not unreasonable to ask which it is going to be and also who is doing all the cooking/shopping etc.

Twilightstarbright · 26/10/2022 10:18

If it was my group of friends then I’d happily do it. I wouldn’t pay to go away with randoms. I don’t go on hen dos for this reason.

auntiemabelisveryable · 26/10/2022 10:19

It's a lot of money and if a number of people chose not to go, the price will be even higher for those that do.

Otherwise, have you got a very close group of friends who you could go away with and just get an Airbnb somewhere that's a reasonable cost or, say, a cheaper night in a city centre hotel.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/10/2022 10:20

I don’t think anyone’s been mean, OP.

for me it would depend how close friends I’m with someone and whether would have to share the cottage with anyone. Will there be any joint activities that will cost more?

oakleaffy · 26/10/2022 10:20

By all means let your friend hire the venue..If SHE wants to pay for it all.
Otherwise, no!
Not for a birthday. That's not fair on guests.

evilharpy · 26/10/2022 10:21

FrippEnos · 26/10/2022 10:16

@gorillalala

And to the posters going on about the cost of food and drink - give over, you're gonna eat food wherever you are in the country (and often batch cooking with a large group of people on a weekend away is cheaper than getting a takeaway at home, for example), and nobody is telling you to consume large expensive amounts of alcohol

There is a huge price difference between eating and drinking out and buying in. Its not unreasonable to ask which it is going to be and also who is doing all the cooking/shopping etc.

Having to cook for 16 people is hardly a fun weekend activity.

Hillarious · 26/10/2022 10:21

We did something like this for DH's 30th birthday party. One couple had children and brought them along. The group comprised school, uni and work friends and was about 20 in total. Booking was from Thursday night to Monday morning with the majority of people there Friday to Sunday. Out in the countryside, so plenty of walks available from the cottage. We were all living in largish cities at the time, so walks in the countryside were very welcome.

DH and I meticulously planned two breakfasts, one brunch, two lunches and three three course dinners, plus booze. Guests were asked to pay for the accommodation and we paid for all the food and booze. it was £30 each for the accommodation, which would be roughly double that today. Didn't charge for the kids, but did feed them!

Everyone had a great time.

Our £30 per person got us a basic, but very large space. For £170 each, I would be expecting a very swish cottage.

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 26/10/2022 10:22

Why would people want to save up for this? I find it so presumptuous that anyone would expect someone else to save up for a weekend that is about someone else! I agree with you op, it's too much money at this time. People would prefer to go away as a family and save for that.

Lordofmyflies · 26/10/2022 10:22

You can certainly float the idea OP but as you are hosting I would expect you and your friend to provide at least the evening meal. I wouldn’t want to pay £170 plus travel, plus food plus drink and activities for a friends birthday - sorry!

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 26/10/2022 10:22

I agree with you OP it's a lot to ask others to pay, especially with the cost of living as it is at the moment

Nothingfree · 26/10/2022 10:22

OP you are like a breath of fresh air, it's nice to see people think rationally of others instead of themselves in these situations, wish you were my friend.

ittakes2 · 26/10/2022 10:23

My sister got her 40th had her lunch in a place with individual cottages and told people her and partner were staying in a cottage for the weekend and others are welcome to come for the weekend and stay in their own cottage or just come for the lunch

TimeForMeToF1y · 26/10/2022 10:23

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 10:13

Why is it unfair on the people you invite? You suggest it, say no pressure and they either say yes or no…what’s the big deal.

So you suggest the idea with a cost based on filling that specific accomodation, then some people decline so you need to find a different accomdation for that number of people so you go round again with new cost and details then another couple drop out .....

Total nightmare just to get to a booking stage never mind the logistics of the weekend itself. I'd steer well clear

Crunchymum · 26/10/2022 10:23

I've refused similar invites as it's just not feasible.

My best friend (Xmas Eve Birthday / we were all London based) hired a house in Scotland the weekend before Xmas for her 40th and was gutted when hardly anyone could come.

I don't have the time, money, childcare or inclination to attend things like this any more.

oakleaffy · 26/10/2022 10:24

FayeGovan · 26/10/2022 09:50

I didnt know so many grown adults used the word bestie. 🤷‍♀️

I thought it was ''Beastie'', as in a dog.

00100001 · 26/10/2022 10:25

And there's always someone who gets shafted with sleeping arrangements.

Guaranteed the birthday girl will have the biggest room with ensuite...and some will end up with a single bed in shared room and sharing a bathroom with 6 other people for the same price! Or worse, a sofa bed!

Original poster
TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 10:26

ChocChipOwl · 26/10/2022 10:08

And the whole intro of 'hi ladies'

This is someone writing an article 😀

Oh for gods sake. Why would I be writing an article? I’m not a journalist. I work for a construction firm. Why is everyone so cynical on here. I’ve only posted on MN twice and both times I’ve nasty comments. The majority of you are really ugly people. I’m so done
with MN. I’m out of here.

OP posts:
Adultchildofelderlyparents · 26/10/2022 10:26

£170 per person is a reasonable cost for a weekend stay in a cottage, however then there is travel costs, food and drink each day, activities, and presumably birthday presents for both of you.
I always decline invitations like this because I know from experience how much the costs pile up when you get there.

Moonatics · 26/10/2022 10:27

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

That's actually even worse unless the place has only single bedrooms?
So one person will pay for the privilege of sharing a room likely with someone they dont even know.
You still need to add in food/catering/takeaways. Events or entertainment, any damage done and other stuff I cant remember yet.

So it's not just going to be £170, add on at least £50 for food and drink, fuel to get there, child minding if that an issue, a present for each of you, and suddenly people are paying over £400 to spend with you on your birthday.
I could afford it, I would resent my entire weekend taken up by your birthday so I would decline.