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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
BlackaddersCodpiece · 26/10/2022 10:54

Why don't you just ask your friendship group if they'd be happy doing it? If they are close enough to you to be invited to a group holiday then surely they are close enough to be able to have a conversation about it? You don't have to book anything just yet, just sound out your friends first.

Fushiadreams · 26/10/2022 10:54

You should have a rough idea of your friends financial situations to know if this is feasible or not. I and my friends could do this, and I’d know as we do gigs etc where ticket prices near 100, so I’d roughly know. I also know which of my friends would struggle

but I’m surprised at nearly 40 you still say bestie like you are at school.

Musti · 26/10/2022 10:56

Rainraingoaway21 · 26/10/2022 10:48

@TigerLilly33 I don't know why everyone is being so miserable on here. I understand your predicament and can see both points of view.

I have just recently got back from a friends special birthday weekend and we had such a lovely time. It really depends on the friends being asked - are they likely to have childcare issues and their financial situation.

My friend put a message out to everyone just to see what people thought. She only went ahead and booked once she had enough yes's. Could you not just do that at this stage as it's not until next year? Get an idea of the replies and go from there. If the majority say no then there's your friends answer, there's no further discussion to be had!

My friend was of the feeling that stuff it, nobody has celebrated much in the last few years with covid lets make up for lost time! Some people might really be up for it, some may not. People can either say yes or no. It's not a problem to say no to things if it doesn't suit. In our case most were up for it and desperate to get away!

Hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide to do.

exqctly! I went away for friends milestone birthdays (and sometimes it meant travelling to them). Got a babysitter or took kids. Sometimes we just went away with friends for a weekend.

Sometimes I couldn’t because of other commitments of finances so I didn’t go. No big deal. It’s not like a wedding, people don’t feel obliged in the same way.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/10/2022 10:56

If it was friends that go away together anyway then maybe, although it doesnt sound great value at £340 per couple for a weekend (although depends on how luxurious the accommodation is and location).

But personally I'd absolutely hate sharing a house for a weekend with friends of friends, I'd just find it a bit awkward (eg wouldn't really want to eat breakfast in my pjs with someone I'd just met or didn't know fairly well). So if it's not one big friendship group I'd say don't do it. I think you have reservations anyway if you're posting on here

Lily073 · 26/10/2022 10:56

I would much prefer to go away than be expected to go to someone's house which I hate. However, I wouldn't expect invited guests to pay if it was my event.

MavisChunch29 · 26/10/2022 10:58

We did this with friends just to get everyone together not for a special birthday, but it was less than £170 per couple, not per person. Nearly £3,000 for a weekend rental somewhere is astronomical, even if it is a big place.

It would be cheaper for everyone to book into the Premier Inn and have a meal out.

Workawayxx · 26/10/2022 10:59

I think it's a no if the people won't all know each other. Too much potential for awkwardness!

Frauhubert · 26/10/2022 11:01

Can you imagine the horror stories from this gathering. A weekend away with 16 adults, not all of them knowing each other, in one house. I would pay the £170 just to be a fly on the wall

Fushiadreams · 26/10/2022 11:01

Lily073 · 26/10/2022 10:56

I would much prefer to go away than be expected to go to someone's house which I hate. However, I wouldn't expect invited guests to pay if it was my event.

I find that quite grabby dressed up as generosity. Unless you are daddy warbucks. As I’m guessing you have never paid for sixteen friends to have a weekend away?

a weekend away with friends is quite normal and of course everyone should pay for themselves.

MavisChunch29 · 26/10/2022 11:02

What don't just the four of you go away somewhere? Don't involve partners and other mates. Just have a nice weekend away. Much easier.

Twillow · 26/10/2022 11:03

If you get that offended at someone taking the mick out of you using the word 'bestie' I really wouldn't be planning an event with the potential for multiple disasters and aggravation. It's rude and childish to ask for opinions then flounce off on MN.

DNBU · 26/10/2022 11:05

My mum did this for her 60th, lovely house for 14 people and it was a great weekend, but she paid for everyone, I think that makes a the difference.

bringincrazyback · 26/10/2022 11:05

My friend put a message out to everyone just to see what people thought. She only went ahead and booked once she had enough yes's.

@Rainraingoaway21 And that didn't strike her as being unfair to those who couldn't afford it or had prior commitments?

Perhaps those being 'miserable' about destination birthdays feel that there's too much potential for people to be left out and feelings to be hurt. Or for guests to feel under pressure to say yes to these invitations so as not to hurt the birthday person's feelings when really they can't afford it (not everyone is comfortable disclosing this) or it causes logistical issues. I've certainly been put in both those positions myself in the past.

Ihatemyroad · 26/10/2022 11:06

It won’t be whether your friends can afford it, it will be whether they want to go and then whether they want to spend this amount plus more for food/meals/drinks etc.

I would go away as a foursome and organise an evening out with friends.

StaunchMomma · 26/10/2022 11:06

YANBU, not just because of the money but also because expecting people to give up a weekend for your 40th is ridiculous.

Your friend needs to understand that turning 40 is really not that important.

Can you not just have a party and go away as 2 couples?

MavisChunch29 · 26/10/2022 11:08

I gave up several weekends for friend's 40ths and they for mine. Excuse to have a number of celebrations as we were all 40 over a period of nine months. It's just miserable to say milestone birthdays should not be celebrated at all or are not important.

Fairyliz · 26/10/2022 11:10

User17956743 · 26/10/2022 09:40

It sounds horrific

@User17956743
Why are earth does it sound horrific?
Presumably the op would only invite close friends who get on well together. A weekend of chatting, laughing eating and drinking sounds good surely?

HazelBite · 26/10/2022 11:12

I've had experience of this, the only way these "multi friend" weekends work is when you all go to a catered Hotel, otherwise all sorts of resentments, petty arguments can occur.
Most people in the 40ish age group have the problem of childcare as well. Have a party/dinner at home/restaurant and leave the going away until those big birthdays that happen when the DC's are adults

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 11:13

TimeForMeToF1y · 26/10/2022 10:23

So you suggest the idea with a cost based on filling that specific accomodation, then some people decline so you need to find a different accomdation for that number of people so you go round again with new cost and details then another couple drop out .....

Total nightmare just to get to a booking stage never mind the logistics of the weekend itself. I'd steer well clear

Show quote history

Yes I agree it could definitely end up like that and probably a nightmare to sort out.
I was just meaning I think it’s funny that someone said it’s so unfair even asking people if they want to go, as if they aren’t asking grown adults capable of making decisions for themselves.

Hillary17 · 26/10/2022 11:13

Please don’t suggest this. It’s such a strain on people who feel obligated to attend or fear of judgement. Have a good old fashioned night out and everyone will still have a great time!

NicolaSixSix · 26/10/2022 11:15

kavalkada · 26/10/2022 10:08

Am I the only one who wants to see a cottage that costs almost 3 thousand pounds for weekend?

me too

DotDotaDash · 26/10/2022 11:15

Well either it a birthday thing and the two of you are hosting

or it’s a group weekend away.

The two don’t mix because the financing is so complicated.

SaintVitasShagulaitas · 26/10/2022 11:15

Most people will not be able, or want, to give up a whole weekend to celebrate someone's birthday.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2022 11:16

I would think that if you're (and I mean you and your best friend) inviting people on this weekend away, you're going to pay for it. You are extending the invite to come celebrate your birthday. So you should suck up the costs between you and your best friend. Your guests should get to celebrate with you.

If either you or your best friend doesn't agree to this suggestion, then shelve it.

BiddyPop · 26/10/2022 11:16

It's not just the £170 each for the cottage though.

There's the cost of getting there - petrol or public transport fares.

Cost of any childcare/petcare/other caring arrangements they may need over the whole weekend - if it's even possible to organise (I can organise childcare for a night out but not a whole weekend generally).

There's food and drink for the weekend generally for a large group. Breakfasts, lunches, at least 1 dinner, snacks, cups of tea, late night glasses of wine...And everyone will have different ideas of what to have on hand and what to eat for meals and when meals should happen.

Then there is presumably a celebration meal 1 of the nights for the birthdays, whether that is in the cottage or out to a restaurant locally. (And will someone want to decorate in some way - balloons or bunting or similar?)

And possibly a local pub at some point as well or local activities, unless you plan to just hang in the cottage all weekend.

When you add up all those costs, as well as a present for each of you (as people will probably feel obligated even if you say no presents), it's a lot more than "just" a dinner or big night out locally (possibly with 1 night childcare) and presents.