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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
Navigatingnewwaters · 26/10/2022 10:28

Bestie 🤢

00100001 · 26/10/2022 10:28

@gorillalala I don't fancy cooking for 16 people, thanks...

Supersimkin2 · 26/10/2022 10:31

Rude.

Don’t forget some of your poorer friends will generously throw a party for their 40th - that isn’t pay-per-view. Your commercial venture will be remembered in that light.

Hillarious · 26/10/2022 10:31

00100001 · 26/10/2022 10:28

@gorillalala I don't fancy cooking for 16 people, thanks...

I relish the opportunity to cook for large groups! For my 50th a friend flew over from the US and we spent all day together cooking up an Indian feast for 18.

greenhousegal · 26/10/2022 10:31

Stick to the original plan.

Have a few drinks/birthday cake/candles in a local pub for others.

The idea of a big get together on the Moors/Cotswolds/Cornwall ha ha... is great, but the reality often isn't. I would not like it personally. Too many Divas. And all for what really? The same as you would get in the local hostelry all together anyway.

DingDongDenny · 26/10/2022 10:32

I love things like this with friends, but you are right to be cautious as not everyone has the spare cash or time
The sensible thing is to check people out beforehand. Tell them there is no pressure and give an idea of costs, then book a cottage that is the right size. But make sure they know that if they say yes, they have to cover their costs. If you don't then the cost could keep going up per head as people drop out

purfectpuss · 26/10/2022 10:32

I don't see the harm in inviting people- if they don't want to come they can decline the invitation.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/10/2022 10:34

I went to a 50th weekend away recently. The birthday girl booked and paid for all the accommodation - and was very generous with it (every person/couple/family had their own bathroom)! And she provided some food and drink. All the guests were very generous with the food and drink they bought as a result. It was marvellous. I do think that if you expect people to go away for your birthday, you pay.

nuttynutella · 26/10/2022 10:35

YANBU. Its £170 each for the cottage, plus a birthday gift for each of you, plus petrol, drinks and food ? then as another posted said, there is giving up a whole weekend and people may need to source child care and/or take time off work if they work weekends. Its a lot to ask, too much to ask. I certainly wouldn't be happy paying all this out or giving up a whole weekend for something that I had no say/input/preference over (i.e. the location, accommodation etc)

EnjoythemoneyJane · 26/10/2022 10:36

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

Oh Christ, don’t do this!!

Different if you and your friend were actually paying for the accommodation (and even then, the idea of spending a precious weekend sharing a house with a bunch of strangers is a lot of people’s idea of hell on wheels), but asking them to pay for the privilege is verging on CFery.

As someone upthread said, by the time you factor in all the additional expenses I it will cost a lot for people to attend. I’m sure your friends love you, OP, and would want to celebrate your 40th, but don’t put them in the position of agonising over how to respond to this kind of invite.

TheTeenageYears · 26/10/2022 10:36

The attitude of they have time to save only really works for people who can work overtime. Most people on a set salary have all their money ear marked so a weekend away if they didn't already have it in the budget would come at the expense of something else. Time doesn't create any more money for most people.

£170 per person if that is just for accommodation is a huge amount of money for most people - if there's travel, food, drink on top plus all the extra's because it's not just any weekend away, it's TigerLilly33 plus friends big birthday so we must all splash out. It's your birthdays, have a great time celebrating. Either invite people to something with you covering the cost or just do something the 4 of you, don't burden friends with the cost of you celebrating.

bringincrazyback · 26/10/2022 10:37

YANBU. I hate this trend for 'destination' events, it's so presumptuous imo. Even more so now there's a cost-of-living crisis. If someone has to decline because they can't afford it, that draws a line between those who can and those who can't. And it always strikes me as very entitled (and missing the point) when people say 'But they'll have time to save...' Why should they have to save up a large sum of money just because it's someone's birthday? So I think your reservations are justified, OP. (All the more so because some people wouldn't know each other.) Much better to stick with your plan A and have a nice cosy time with your friend and partners.

Musti · 26/10/2022 10:37

Maybe have a word with your friends? They may want to or they may not.

i

nuttynutella · 26/10/2022 10:37

purfectpuss · 26/10/2022 10:32

I don't see the harm in inviting people- if they don't want to come they can decline the invitation.

Some people may feel obliged to come e.g. a best friend or close relative. It will then put the cat amongst the pigeons, so to speak, when that person opts out of going.

mewkins · 26/10/2022 10:37

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

This is a recipe for disaster. I'm happy to go on a weekend away for a big birthday but only with people I know and like. Just have a party instead.

nuttynutella · 26/10/2022 10:39

bringincrazyback · 26/10/2022 10:37

YANBU. I hate this trend for 'destination' events, it's so presumptuous imo. Even more so now there's a cost-of-living crisis. If someone has to decline because they can't afford it, that draws a line between those who can and those who can't. And it always strikes me as very entitled (and missing the point) when people say 'But they'll have time to save...' Why should they have to save up a large sum of money just because it's someone's birthday? So I think your reservations are justified, OP. (All the more so because some people wouldn't know each other.) Much better to stick with your plan A and have a nice cosy time with your friend and partners.

And it always strikes me as very entitled (and missing the point) when people say 'But they'll have time to save...' Why should they have to save up a large sum of money just because it's someone's birthday?
THIS //

Totally agree.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 26/10/2022 10:41

I wouldn't unless like a PP you plan on paying for everything. It's the sort of thing people are enthusiastic about but then drop out due to finances closer to the time. It's the best part of £3K for a 2 night stay unless your both loaded I'd do something more local.

Maybe you could treat yourselves to a weekend away in a spa hotel or something as well/ instead of. There's lots of nice places that do a 2 day deal. You could invite people to come if they wish, they can book and pay for their own rooms.

billy1966 · 26/10/2022 10:41

Be prepared for people to defer payment and back out at the very last minute, making you liable for a much larger cost, unless people are prepared to pay up front.

These things rarely work out.
Oh and the mixed group will likely be a disaster.

Be very wary OP.

FrippEnos · 26/10/2022 10:43

@TigerLilly33

At least answer some of the questions before your run off.

BatshitBanshee · 26/10/2022 10:43

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 10:26

Oh for gods sake. Why would I be writing an article? I’m not a journalist. I work for a construction firm. Why is everyone so cynical on here. I’ve only posted on MN twice and both times I’ve nasty comments. The majority of you are really ugly people. I’m so done
with MN. I’m out of here.

Show quote history

Bestie, bitchy and now this ^ there is no way you're almost 40.

And top tip journo: liars always give more detail than necessary. No need to tell us where you work but you did so...

Rumbled 🙅

Rainraingoaway21 · 26/10/2022 10:48

@TigerLilly33 I don't know why everyone is being so miserable on here. I understand your predicament and can see both points of view.

I have just recently got back from a friends special birthday weekend and we had such a lovely time. It really depends on the friends being asked - are they likely to have childcare issues and their financial situation.

My friend put a message out to everyone just to see what people thought. She only went ahead and booked once she had enough yes's. Could you not just do that at this stage as it's not until next year? Get an idea of the replies and go from there. If the majority say no then there's your friends answer, there's no further discussion to be had!

My friend was of the feeling that stuff it, nobody has celebrated much in the last few years with covid lets make up for lost time! Some people might really be up for it, some may not. People can either say yes or no. It's not a problem to say no to things if it doesn't suit. In our case most were up for it and desperate to get away!

Hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide to do.

Zofloraeverywhere · 26/10/2022 10:49

You are right, it’s a terrible idea.

SillySausage81 · 26/10/2022 10:50

well they will have time to save for it.

God, how selfish. So she expects that people who are struggling, and might be able to afford to save for ONE weekend away this year, have to choose HER birthday. Sod any other friends also turning 40 this year. Sod anything else they might want to spend their hard-earned cash on. Such entitlement.

antelopevalley · 26/10/2022 10:51

This depends so much on who your friends are. For some people £170 is nothing and they would easily spend that on a night out. For others it is way too much and totally unrealistic.

IWishICouldDance · 26/10/2022 10:53

£340 (per couple) plus food, drink, getting there, a gift so really £500 plus for a weekend sat in a cottage? It'd be a no. We are going to somewhere for a friend's 40th birthday next year and have to get flights and a hotel, but we wanted to go there anyway so we are all making a weekend of it in our couples. It'll be ££ but there's plenty to do. I wouldn't pay £500 to sit in a cottage, you could just have a house party at your house and it'd cost your friends nothing. What's the point in having the weekend away, is it somewhere people would want to go?