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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 26/10/2022 10:01

I'd go with one group of friends (20 adults and we have all known each other for 20+ years) so would have a brilliant weekend! We go away often and have a tried and tested approach to meals/drinks. I'd have to think about it if I didn't know many people. I'd worry how catering would be organised and charged and if it was worth the money and effort to sort childcare.

I'd sound the people out and see what they think.

VenusClapTrap · 26/10/2022 10:02

Sounds great, I love weekends away with groups of friends and we used to do it a lot. I’ve found though that as people get older and have dc and other commitments it gets harder and harder to organise such things. The only time you’re in with a chance of getting everyone to agree to a date is for weddings and big birthdays. So I’d be totally up for it.

The cost is a factor though, especially now, and you have to be mindful of that. Have a quiet word with all the friends you’re thinking of involving and sound them out, to give them chance to opt out with dignity and not feel forced. But you might be surprised and find that some of them are enthusiastic!

I’m thinking of doing something similar for my 50th, but if I do, I’ll pay for the accommodation myself so that all our friends have to do is get themselves there and pitch in with food/wine.

MintChocCornetto · 26/10/2022 10:03

No I would only pay that kinda money for my own birthday, or DH's. We did pay a similar amount last year to go away with some friends but we had a say in the accommodation.

I have organised weekends away with large groups but tbh have made it as cheap as poss. You can find decent places that will host 10+ people for less than £100 each - it just takes a bit of effort.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 26/10/2022 10:03

It’s on the higher side for me, £100 would be my max budget.

00100001 · 26/10/2022 10:04

Absolutely no way would info away as a group of 16.

It would be too chaotic for me. Sorting food, who pays, what happens during day etc...

Plus it would be ridiculously expensive,as people would want to have a bucket of alcohol every day and go "oh let's just..." And spend another £30 of mine.

Yeah. I'm a misery

Dacquoise · 26/10/2022 10:05

Personally I would be very wary of going away with such a large group. I ended up on a trip to New York for someone's birthday which grew from six to thirteen. It was, quite frankly, hell and I'm still kicking myself for not backing out.

Two people decided they were in charge of arrangements, there was loads of passive aggressiveness if you didn't do as you were told and one woman ended up completely scapegoated. A waste of a very large sum of money and a bad idea to mix people who didn't know each other.

You only have one 40th. Do it your way. And I agree it's a big ask for that amount of money, especially in the current climate.

evilharpy · 26/10/2022 10:05

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

If it was a load of people I knew well, I'd love to go. If I only knew half of them, I'd absolutely hate it. There's no way I'd pay £170 x2, plus food/drink/travel and use up precious childcare favours to spend a weekend in a house with strangers. And I'd dread being asked because then I'd have to formulate an excuse.

LeMoo · 26/10/2022 10:06

Yanbu

Yabu to use the word 'bestie'

JadeSeahorse · 26/10/2022 10:07

Could easily afford it but I'm afraid it would be a no from us too!

However, in fairness, it really depends upon your respective social groups, what they would normally spend and if they are extremely sociable.

The difficulty would arise if you book it expecting say 18 to attend and only 12 say yes. Then the price per person increases even more.

I wouldn't take the risk if I was you as it could seriously damage long standing friendships you currently highly value.

Schnooze · 26/10/2022 10:07

evilharpy · 26/10/2022 10:05

If it was a load of people I knew well, I'd love to go. If I only knew half of them, I'd absolutely hate it. There's no way I'd pay £170 x2, plus food/drink/travel and use up precious childcare favours to spend a weekend in a house with strangers. And I'd dread being asked because then I'd have to formulate an excuse.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

kavalkada · 26/10/2022 10:08

Am I the only one who wants to see a cottage that costs almost 3 thousand pounds for weekend?

ChocChipOwl · 26/10/2022 10:08

And the whole intro of 'hi ladies'

This is someone writing an article 😀

pollykitty · 26/10/2022 10:10

Ug, I would instantly decline such an invitation. If you want to celebrate with many friends, it should be a party you throw or perhaps going out to dinner. Asking people to go away for a birthday, even a milestone one, is a bit entitled.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 26/10/2022 10:10

@ChocChipOwl Bloody boring article if so.

Tumbleweed101 · 26/10/2022 10:10

I would save and go for a close friend but not an acquaintance level friend. If there are lots of people going you have to make sure there are no current issues between those invited. I prefer smaller gatherings and wouldn't enjoy being in a house with lots of couples (I'm single).

The biggest danger in this scenario is booking a big expensive property and a lot of people dropping out and then having to pay loads more yourselves which might push a comfortable holiday to one thst is too much for your own budget.

Furrydogmum · 26/10/2022 10:10

I think its a lot to expect, on top of that, If you have different friendship groups then definitely not. Just do a four then you don't have to worry about anyone else.

Lydia777 · 26/10/2022 10:11

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

Then no. A group of close friends, I would say feel them out and go from there. But there is nothing worse than a weekend of small talk with people you don't know.

FrippEnos · 26/10/2022 10:11

Someone else brought it up upthread but I would like to know if you or your friend would be planning on inviting a "B" group if others say no.

You are likely to end up (in this scenario) with four separate groups.

gorillalala · 26/10/2022 10:11

Wow there are a lot of people against group holidays and saying it'll put pressure on people.

Why would it? Surely the birthday person (in this case persons) just put an invite out saying "hey we're going to book a place for a weekend away, would you like to come?" ... and whoever wants to come, comes. There's no contract in place forcing you to go if you're invited 😆

OP, I think the idea itself is nice. My good friend turned 40 this year and did exactly this - asked a bunch of her close friends (many of who don't know each other well and have only met at other occasions of hers) if they wanted to join. Some came, many came without their partners so childcare wasn't an issue really. I personally went with my DH as we've both known her for years. It was a brilliant weekend.

However on the price - I'd say that's quite a lot per person for a shared house. My friend found an expensive place first and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't pay that especially if DH came too, and so she went to the effort of finding a bit of a cheaper place. I'm sure there were people who still said they couldn't afford to come, and that's fair enough - that shouldn't prevent people from having the birthday celebration that they want. It's their birthday, after all. If they had no interest then I guess they'd think twice and have to look for something cheaper but if they have a good number of people willing to pay X amount for a nice chilled weekend break, then it's all good, right?

And to the posters going on about the cost of food and drink - give over, you're gonna eat food wherever you are in the country (and often batch cooking with a large group of people on a weekend away is cheaper than getting a takeaway at home, for example), and nobody is telling you to consume large expensive amounts of alcohol.

Wishimaywishimight · 26/10/2022 10:12

People always say "oh, they have plenty of time to save" like; a) everyone has spare money to save and b) they have nothing else to save for - household emergencies, car repairs, child related unexpected expenses, birthdays, weddings, funerals, Christmas etc etc...

It's a lovely idea but, like many others, it would be way down on my list of priorities no matter how much I cared about my friend.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 26/10/2022 10:12

Depends how you present it.
“ XY&Z are going away for the weekend for our birthdays. It’s £170 if you fancy joining us for a weekend away”

Kissingfrogs25 · 26/10/2022 10:12

I wouldn't go for a weekend, but would most happily join you for a party or a dinner.
It is worth keeping things simple and doing the weekend with your best friend, and then separately organise a dinner with friends?

I would absolutely check with everyone you intend to invite! It is going to be VERY different to a couples weekend though.

FrippEnos · 26/10/2022 10:12

ChocChipOwl · 26/10/2022 10:08

And the whole intro of 'hi ladies'

This is someone writing an article 😀

I would hope that even the most inept journo would want to keep a discussion going and not refer to participants as being "bitchy".

hesbeingabitofadick · 26/10/2022 10:12

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

How do you know if you'll get on with her friends or if your friends will get on with hers?
How will you decide whose friends are invited or left out?
It sounds like a perfect way to ruin your friendship to me.
I'd pull out and say I'm going away just with DH instead - possibly even blaming him Wink that he wants something more romantic than a big house full of strangers.

VenusClapTrap · 26/10/2022 10:12

I missed the update about it being people who don’t know each other. I’d still go. In fact I did, to a friend’s big birthday do a few years ago. I met lots of lovely people and made new friends who I’ve met up with since.