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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend not giving me a lift home...aibu?

211 replies

greenbradket · 23/10/2022 11:51

Night out with friend last night
Met her in her city which is around 20 min drive but 1 hr 20 mins by bus.
As we were drinking I couldn't take my car.
So I stayed at her house
This morning she says "sorry I can't take you home,I don't want to use petrol unnecessary "
So she drops me off at the bus stop
The Sunday service is 1 a hour and I've just missed it.
Aibu to think it's a bit crappy?
Bare in mind every time she stays over mine I drive her home or if I feel too hungover I'll pay for her Uber

OP posts:
MyStarBoy · 23/10/2022 12:31

She's not a real friend.
Personally I would end it - and have done because of sheer tightness and double-standards.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 12:32

she said she can't top up less than £20 at her local garage

Hahaha what a load of bollox. She's very selfish. If there is a next time, just drop her at the bus stop. I wouldn't bother to be honest.

CarefreeMe · 23/10/2022 12:32

YANBU she’s being very selfish considering you do it when it’s the other way around and offered her petrol money.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2022 12:33

Ive never heard of a petrol station having a minimum spend rule of £20. Had anyone?
I quite often top up my car with less than that at various garages.

She sounds self centred and possibly lies to manipulate a situation to suit her agenda.
Awful.

Wisterical · 23/10/2022 12:33

So you went out without any plan on how to get home the next day, you didn’t find out where your bus stop is and now, having missed your bus, you’re blaming your friend for not chauffeuring you home. Be a grown up, go to a coffee shop until your bus is due and try to be more organised in future.

RedHelenB · 23/10/2022 12:34

Sparklybanana · 23/10/2022 11:54

Ask her to give you a lift back if she wants lifts in the future. It's not a one way friendship.

This.

itsgettingweird · 23/10/2022 12:40

I wasn't thinking SWBU to get you to catch bus.

But when you mentioned you did it for her and she refused to compromise so you could have your car at hers I changed my mind massively.

She's clearly selfish and only ever takes and does what works for her.

Next time she suggests meeting day it's at yours and she arranges her own public transport to and from. You'll soon discover how much the friendship means to her when it's equal.

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 23/10/2022 12:43

She's horrible

cantthinkofabetterusername · 23/10/2022 12:44

No petrol station near me has a £20 minimum.
I smell BS
She couldn't be arsed to drop you home, I would always drop a friend home if they stayed at mine. I wouldn't be going out with her again

MarigoldMoonStone · 23/10/2022 12:48

I don’t understand why you couldn’t drive your car to hers…she was dropping her kids into city where you were drinking and didn’t want to drive back to meet you, so what does that mean you went in car with her kids they got dropped off then she left her car where??
plus you will pay £45 for your friends Uber but not your own?

cantthinkofabetterusername · 23/10/2022 12:49

Wisterical · 23/10/2022 12:33

So you went out without any plan on how to get home the next day, you didn’t find out where your bus stop is and now, having missed your bus, you’re blaming your friend for not chauffeuring you home. Be a grown up, go to a coffee shop until your bus is due and try to be more organised in future.

Oh give over

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/10/2022 12:50

Skinnermarink · 23/10/2022 11:58

I definitely don’t feel I have to pay for my friend’s Ubers if I’ve put them up at mine, that would be odd.

I think it's weird, too - and I certainly wouldn't expect a friend to pay for an Uber for me. TBH I'd feel uncomfortable accepting something like that.

Time to stop her lifts OP.

thelobsterquadrille · 23/10/2022 12:50

Let's be honest, she just couldn't be arsed to drive you home.

Which is kind of fair enough, but she could at least admit it.

drpet49 · 23/10/2022 12:52

SpacePotato · 23/10/2022 12:03

Even if this was true, seems odd though, why couldn't she just keep your £10 until she next tops up.

She's making shit up because she couldn't be arsed. Now you know, don't drop her home again and never pay £45 for a bloody taxi for her!!!

This. She was lying about the garage minimum £20 spend.

VisitingThem · 23/10/2022 12:52

It's a bit cheeky if you always drive her home tbh but really getting the bus isn't a hardship assuming you check the timetable first. I would def not be giving her any more lifts though!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/10/2022 12:53

Well, you know what to do next time when she stays at yours; sorry I don’t want to drive because of petrol so I will drop you at the bus stop…

PortalooSunset · 23/10/2022 12:57

I don't think she's BU to not take you home, but I suppose equally I don't think you were BU to assume she would based on what you've done for her in the past.
Is/was she hungover? Or is she just wanting to maximise her child free time and a 40 minute drive doesn't fit in with that?
I see what you say about her not wanting to come back to hers last night after dropping the kids off, but you could still have parked at hers and got a bus to meet her? Or parked in an overnight car park in her town?
I wouldn't be in a hurry to repeat this, and I definitely wouldn't offer a lift home next time she says with you.

bewarethetides · 23/10/2022 13:00

greenbradket · 23/10/2022 11:57

I could have but that was like £45 plus and I didn't want to waste that much
I only pay for hers if I'm not feeling up to driving her home and wouldn't want to leave her to get bus home etc

She is happy for you to ferry her about or pay for the privilege, but won't drive you home when it's her turn?

She's not a great friend.

blippi123 · 23/10/2022 13:00

Next time she stays at your's make sure you treat her in the same way

AintNoThang · 23/10/2022 13:03

But was she hungover if you were drinking last night?

I don't drive when I'm hungover, even if in theory it's safe to. I don't feel confident driving in the morning.

FetchezLaVache · 23/10/2022 13:06

If she wasn't lying about the £20 minimum, then she was angling for £20 petrol money from you, which is even worse in the light of your generosity when the boot's on the other foot!

clpsmum · 23/10/2022 13:07

Skinnermarink · 23/10/2022 11:53

A bit but I guess you could have taken your car and parked at hers before your night out?

This tbh times are hard. You should've paid petrol if you wanted a lift

dottiedodah · 23/10/2022 13:08

Next time she stays at yours do the same! I would grab an Uber and she will have to do likewise when you stay at hers!

PinkStarAtNight · 23/10/2022 13:08

I wouldn't expect a lift home after staying at a friend's, so I don't think she was BU to not give you a lift in a general sense

However, considering that you always give her a lift and once paid for her uber, it makes it more unreasonable that she's unwilling to return the favour and I understand how you feel.

Then again maybe she sees it as your choice to give her a lift...she might be thinking that you're offering her a lift home every time because you're happy to do it/you like driving/have plenty of spare money etc but she has a right not to do it if she doesn't feel she's in the same circumstances.

I once had a really illuminating session with a counsellor on this - I was talking about how I always feel that I give more to friendships than I get back (e.g travelling miles to their house for their birthday when they had no one to be with but they weren't there for my birthday because it was 'too far to travel', or taking shopping over to their house when they're ill but realising I don't get the same when I'm ill). The counsellor explained that most people will only put themselves out for others if it is convenient and easy for them to do so. They also subconsciously assume that everyone else does this - so if you travel to their house for their birthday it doesn't occur to them that you may have put yourself out for them or it may have been inconvenient in any way, because they wouldn't do that themselves. Instead they assume that you must be doing it because you have plenty of spare time, were bored that day, you have plenty of petrol, you enjoy driving, you wanted to visit their town anyway etc etc and therefore it never occurs to them that they need to return the favour because in their mind, you didn't put yourself out you just did what you WANTED to do and what was EASY for you to do, and if you're offering to come see them, or offering a lift they're not going to turn it down. But if they don't WANT to do the same for you or its not EASY for them to do the same for you, then they won't, because why would they? And in their mind there's no way you'd be doing it for them if it wasn't something that was easy for you and what you wanted to do. So their mind they're not doing anything wrong by not doing the same fir you. Does that make sense?

So you have two options - keep being the way you are and being generous, putting yourself out for people, but understand that they won't do the same for you and don't be resentful about that, do things for other people because you WANT to and you enjoy being a generous person, without needing anything back. OR, stop putting yourself out for people and adopt the attitude that most people have of only doing things if you want to and if its easy for you, unless it's a very close friend or family member who needs help and you really want to help them. With my friends I have mainly adopted the latter. But when I do put myself for people to be nice, I do it with all the above in mind and I don't get hung up anymore on whether they return the favour, and I don't even blame them when they don't do the same for me because I know that they are likely not doing it purposefully, it's just that their mind works differently. Its really changed my outlook on things.

My advice in this situation would be don't give her a lift again or pay for her uber. Treat her exactly the same as she treats you. If she doesn't like it and makes it clear she EXPECTS you to keep giving her a lift when she won't do the same, then end the friendship. If she's OK with getting the bus from yours, then it becomes equal. And next time check the buses and ask her to drop you off at the bus station at the correct time.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 13:10

clpsmum · 23/10/2022 13:07

This tbh times are hard. You should've paid petrol if you wanted a lift

She offered petrol money. It's got nothing to do with money, & everything to do with this 'friend' being a selfish lying twat who can't even be upfront about it. (£20 minimum petrol fill, my arse ....)

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