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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

237 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:19

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

OP posts:
Perditanoy · 23/10/2022 06:22

Why on earth do you allow this? I would tell them in no uncertain terms that either they let you speak to them or they won't be allowed to have the children overnight.

Put your foot down and set clear boundaries. They are treating you like teenagers.

MsChatterbox · 23/10/2022 06:23

No you're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't be leaving my children there.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:25

I would just like to add, I do love the fact the grandparents are so good with my family. My mother in law definitely has to be the head of the family though
we have butted heads quite a few times in the past and we do have a slightly strained relationship, some days she can be really nice to me but others I can tell there is something off. She always seems to favour my husbands brothers wife over me, when he split up with his previous wife, I was the best thing since sliced bread but he has since remarried and soon as new wife came into the scene I was demoted to bottom of the pack again.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2022 06:29

Your husband needs to have a word and say that they need to let you talk to your kids as you wish.l and not give you attitude about it either.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:29

Thank you for your replies I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable. My husband thinks I should leave it and let them have there alone time with my kids. Honestly it’s not like I’m ringing non stop.
i always get a reply of either No he is busy! Or he isn’t missing me at all and is playing right now so no I cannot speak to him! It drives me insane. Luckily when my daughter does have her phone she texts me quite often. I have since learnt that she hides the fact she is texting me from her nana!!!! She is 10 and has learnt to do this so surely that’s a bit off!!!

OP posts:
romdowa · 23/10/2022 06:29

Why are you putting up with this. I'd tell them to put my child on the phone this minute or I'm coming to get them (obvious not while you were in hospital) sounds like a dp problem really though. He needs to stand up to his parents

HappyMeal564 · 23/10/2022 06:29

Why do you let them have them? No way should you accept being told no you're not speaking to your child. Also, what are they teaching your children? That it's OK to disregard their mother's wishes

Ponderingwindow · 23/10/2022 06:30

Aside from a situation like the birth of your youngest, these overnights are not a necessity. If you are not happy with the care provided, stop leaving your children with them.

Dontsparethehorses · 23/10/2022 06:32

The grandparents have made their position clear… you either challenge it and accept they might not have them as much or you make that decision for them and you don’t get the child free time… it might not be right but you can’t force them to let you speak to your children when they are with them even if you want to.

DancingInHisShirt · 23/10/2022 06:36

I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on.

Stop leaving your children with them. They sound awful. Tell yourself husband to stand up to them.

Vikrum · 23/10/2022 06:37

Stop them having the kids overnight. Simple as that. And it really is. Yes, you anticipate her having an issue, but tell her they don't miss her and they're busy at home right now, she only saw them recently when you visited and she will see them again soon when you visit again. Polite, firm tastes of her own medicine.

Zonder · 23/10/2022 06:38

DH needs to grow a spine. The fact that you want to speak to the children is enough of a reason.

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2022 06:39

My DD recently went away for ten days, I had the children. The five year old was fine until she phoned, so I put it to her that it's better that she didn't speak to the youngest. That might have been the situation with your youngest. However I do think that it's a bit of power play on her part. I'm in my 50's, when we were with relatives, there was no way if getting in touch, so there will be a bit of generational differences going on. Do your children want to speak to you? We are quite a resilient family and unless they do, I wouldn't create that need. Your DH should have your back, though. It won't be long before the youngest can use your eldest phone and it will be solved.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:43

Yes I definitely do have a dp problem. He has literally no backbone when it comes to confrontation and will never have my back.

Many years ago before our children we where at a party at there house, we told them we were getting a dog. His mother literally shouted at me like a child, in front of everyone (there where 18 people in the house at the time, all his family members) saying how I can’t even look after myself, let alone a dog!!! My husband didn’t say 1 thing! She was literally screaming at me! I walked out of the house and went home in tears, alone!!! My husband came home 1 hour later! So god knows what was said when I left! Also I don’t understand how she has this impression of not being able to look after myself, I have owned my own home since I was 18 and it is always clean, beds made daily, food in our cupboards etc etc

I do think these overnight stays need to stop until she learns I am the parent and not her. She also constantly gives me advise about parenting, when I tell her I have followed her advice she then replies with “I wouldn’t have done it that way!!! 😫

for instance my son had a cough for a few months. She told me to take him to drs and also ask about his sinuses as he is quite a loud breather - I did this and when I told her drs have said put him on inhaler and they will need to investigate his sinuses and possibly operation - she then asked me why I mentioned about his sinuses!!! 😵she is very hard work!!!!

OP posts:
marcopront · 23/10/2022 06:48

I'm struggling to understand why you keep leaving your children with them when you don't like the way they look after them.

yerdaindicatesonbends · 23/10/2022 06:50

You’re definitely not being unreasonable! That’s so strange and why wouldn’t you be able to talk to your kids. I wonder if she takes it personally as you checking up on her as a guardian? You guys need to speak to her.

On the total flip side to this I had to tell my sister to stop texting me every time DD did anything. At this point she was 4 and I was still getting run downs on everything she ate and how often she went to the toilet etc.

ChocolateCareBear · 23/10/2022 06:51

WTF? You're not able to contact your kids??!!! This is just unacceptable!!! Stop leaving your kids with them. Just stop. When they ask why tell them the truth. You always need to have contact with your kids. Sounds like she wants to have it all her way and you contacting your kids interfere with her plans. If your DP doesn't stand up for your family you have to! Good luck!

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2022 06:52

Look if you get on with her and like her and she's helpful I would just say all that...

Look I think you are great but I need to be able to talk to my children if I want too.
This is non negotiable, and make sure she understands next time.
You cLl and you ask to speak.
They say no....you go straight round and get them.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:53

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2022 06:39

My DD recently went away for ten days, I had the children. The five year old was fine until she phoned, so I put it to her that it's better that she didn't speak to the youngest. That might have been the situation with your youngest. However I do think that it's a bit of power play on her part. I'm in my 50's, when we were with relatives, there was no way if getting in touch, so there will be a bit of generational differences going on. Do your children want to speak to you? We are quite a resilient family and unless they do, I wouldn't create that need. Your DH should have your back, though. It won't be long before the youngest can use your eldest phone and it will be solved.

Yes I think when my daughter was little she cried once saying she wanted to go home after I had spoken with her, so I kind of understand that. This was the first time I was actually allowed to speak with her and it was only because I had rang my in laws about something completely different and my daughter heard me so was crying saying she wanted to speak to me. MIL begrudgingly let me talk to daughter and it did make matters worse this 1 time. But my daughter had come down with quite a bad virus the following day so I do actually believe she was already poorly at there house and MIL wouldn’t let her come home or let me know she was ill.

OP posts:
TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2022 06:55

Op, following her advice then her saying that's wrong is classic.
Someone did that to me once and I realised it was a control issue.

does the 10 year old like to go ?

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2022 06:57

It doesn't do their ego any good when they are playing best grandma ever and then they cry to leave. .
I'm sorry but why are they crying? Surely that tells you sometime?

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:59

marcopront · 23/10/2022 06:48

I'm struggling to understand why you keep leaving your children with them when you don't like the way they look after them.

It’s not that I don’t like the way they look after them, my kids absolutely love there grandparents and love spending time with them, it’s just if I ring or text and ask to speak with them I’m then told “no” or they are having too much fun to stop and talk with me! The latest reply is “they arnt missing you (with a laughing face 🤬)

they are taking my kids away for 3 days this week and I know I won’t be able to speak with them at all, unless my daughter sneakily rings me!!! I’m a parent who very rarely spends more then 1 night away from them so I will really miss them and just a quick chat shouldn’t be an issue

OP posts:
malificent7 · 23/10/2022 07:00

She screamed at you wabout the dog? And you are not nc...why?

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 07:01

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2022 06:55

Op, following her advice then her saying that's wrong is classic.
Someone did that to me once and I realised it was a control issue.

does the 10 year old like to go ?

It is 100% a control issue!! She is head of the house and it’s definitely her rules and if you go against them you are black marked for good. Think this is why we buy heads so much because I am head of my house and I always try and do things my way! Sometimes to keep peace I let her believe we are following her and standing in line!!!!

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 23/10/2022 07:03

I suffered CSA as a child and it was incredibly difficult for me to allow my children to sleep over with anyone. I could count on one hand the people I could trust. I would not have been able to cope with this situation. I'm sure she's doing it to stop the children getting upset when they talk to you but it's not fair on the children to feel like they have to secretly text you or navigate this situation so they don't upset the adults. She doesn't sound like someone who is going to take kindly to you trying to discuss it either.