Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

[Helphusbandsadick]

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

If I were you I’d call her about the trip under a pretext, maybe to do with what the dcs need to bring. Mention that obviously you’ll want to have a quick chat with them each day, so what’s the best time to call. If she comes up with a reason why you shouldn’t call then just firmly repeat the same point ie, they’re away for a few days and obviously I want to speak with them each day. Stay calm. If she kicks off just repeat what you’ve said or repeat what she’s saying ie. ‘You think they’ll be too busy to talk with their mother, but I need to speak with them each day.’ Stick with it even if she threatens not to take them, it’s unlikely she’d actually follow through with this and even if she does you are the parent of the children not her.

They are not being good grandparents. They are not being kind to your family.
Good grandparents put the children first. You were in hospital, with a very poorly baby and your mil denied you speaking to your daughter???? Why would she do that? Pure control.
She’s been verbally abusive to you, putting you down, in front of your children. This is 100% unacceptable. Your DH should be backing you, not enabling his mother.
Get tough. Tell your DH you’re not taking any more of his parent’s crap, the overnight stays stop now. Visiting is limited to whatever YOU choose. And tell your mil she’s their grandmother, not their mother.

How does the favoured SIL behave? Is she a doormat or does she stand up for herself?
I couldn't put up with anyone treating me like that. You should go NC with the in-laws and leave your husband, he can deal with them when it’s his contact time.

You see what you’re doing? You’re making excuses for how you’d be ending your dc’s fun if you told her the trip away was off even though you know she doesn’t treat your dc’s well in front of you. Goodness knows how she is behind your back. She sees herself as no nonsense, no pandering. But that’s actually quite scary for children. Even if you get her agreement for daily calls, you need to be having a serious discussion with your dd about what to do if grandma is mean on the trip. As @BatshitBanshee said, your dd isn’t going to tell you anything, you don’t stand up for her when she’s around. It is your job to change this.

Either suck it up and keep enjoying free childcare.
Man up and challenge her.
Stop leaving your kids with her.

So why are they going for three days?? Call mil and say I’ve been thinking and 3 days is too long to go without speaking to my children, next week is cancelled.

I do think it's a bit odd that the kids don't come to the phone to say hi BUT, you are unreasonable because they are looking after your kids (for days on end at times). If you don't like how they do it, look after your own kids.

The fact that dd is hiding her contact with you from her MIL is really sad.

Your MIL is trying to sideline you. Wise up to it and put a atop to it.

I don’t think this is fair. It’s clear OP is trying to be a good mum by helping her Dc have a relationship with their DGPs and letting them have fun.

OP this is so easy to solve and it all begins with you. Firstly you sit your man down and tell him,do not ask him tell him how he is going to loose you and the kids as you are not putting up with this anymore.You are dealing with a man who is pretty fucked up and you are not going to allow your kids to be fucked up either so its stopping. He will either back you or her,If he backs her then you know where you stand and your relationship will not survive. If it doesnt survive you will breath a sigh of relief I promise you. You are existing in this relationship not thriving anyway as you cannot be yourself and have your concerns valued regarding the children.So you keep quiet,That is no way to live.Your children,your rules regarding MIL, she has no say,no rights.She can scream and shout all she likes and get nowhere.You have a choice either carry on as you are or stop it.She can see the kids all she likes at a nuetral venue with you such as a cafe or something where she cannot carry on and she likes it or lumps it. Then you get on with parenting and if you need childcare you sort it out properly and pay for it with trusted providers.Its the only way.You will get nowhere with your man so you have to see where you fit in in terms of importance in his life. I bet when push comes to shove he will choose MI...I am sorry really I am and I take no delight in saying that but maybe if you force his hand to do something for the best for your and your kids then he may alter but I dont think he will. Are you prepared to do that for your kids and you or will you carry on being hurt and just shut up and go along with it carrying on being at the bottom of the pile?up to you. Mil is nothing to you so sort the whole thing out. Mine wouldnt be going anywhere near her.

Start from now, be firmer in your responses to her. State that thr kids will not go overnight/on holiday unless you can speak with them whenever you ring. (If they cancel their holiday then its on her). It will be hard at first to chsnge 20 years worth of habit but every time yiu stand up for yourself/your kids it'll get a bit easier.
If she doesn't start treating you with respect I just wouldn't let the kids see her alone at all and honestly wouldn't go there myself anymore either.
Nothing will chsnge until you chsnge your behaviour and stand up for yourself/stop taking shit.

so to stop the Contact then I am really just stopping the kids having a really good time.
So it is very difficult situation.

If you know they are having a really good time then why do you need to speak to them?
What are you worried about?

You either think they’re absolutely fine - in which case you don’t need to keep checking up on them.

Or you are worried that they might not be enjoying themselves - in which case I would stop the over nights.

It should be your decision. They’re supposed to be following instructions it isn’t up to them to choose when you talk to your children.

If I was refused, I wouldn’t leave my children overnight there again.

That said, thenone time I called my child when I was away, it sent him into floods of tears missing me. So now I don’t call. But I onlynleave him with someone once a year max

OP I would not let my kids stay with anyone that didn’t allow me to speak to them regardless of who it was. I wouldn’t even let my own mother have them overnight as they are my children if she refused to let me speak to them. Are you sure the kids are ok when they are away? I know a grandparent that used to insist the child was fine and happy when the parents were away overnight. She was actually very upset and cried loads but because the grandparent never passed this information on the parents went away a lot more than they would have done had they known.

This is exactly it.

You either need to accept it, stop letting them go or grow a spine and explain how it will be, or preferably get DH to.

my kids go to my parents for overnights. Sure sometimes when I call they are busy but they always offer to let me speak to them at an appropriate moment

Tell you what there is one thing missing from all of this.If you want an honest answer as to whats really going on ask the kids. Has anyone asked the kids what they want yet? How they feel? Maybe start there too.

Your husband needs to grow a pair. Honestly, so do you. Does he even realise she's a bully and that he's scared of her?

The thing is you want to speak to the children regardless of whether this unsettles them and makes them upset. Its the gp who will have to calm them down again and if its for 1 or 2 nights its not really necessary.

She sounds horrible! She’s treating you like an annoying add-on to the family who she only tolerates because she has to. Your DP sounds pathetic and cruel. Ask him how he’d feel if a member of your family was treating him like this and you did f**k all about it 😡

I very much doubt your children are having a great time when they’re with their grandparents. I suspect they’re afraid to tell you how they really feel. And I’m absolutely positive that your MIL is not preventing them from speaking to you in case they get upset. That’s crap, bluntly. She’s doing it to control and punish you, and to try to put a barrier between you and your DC. She’s a total bitch and you really need to put your foot down - for the sake of your DC as much as yourself.

Stop all overnight stays and daytime visits without you; limit any family visits to her too. Protect your DC from this toxic woman.

I don’t agree with the comparison to school trips. Four year olds don’t do overnight stays with school. The first time for dd was in year 1, where the children slept at school for one night to get them prepared for the idea.

Apart from school trips, I have always talked to my dd and she never was desperate to see me because it was done in a way that she could cope and not before the age of 6. The only time it didn’t work is when she went to a friend’s for a sleepover and the girls couldn’t sleep so the parents took their dd into bed with them and left my dd alone in her friend’s room. I was damn glad I sent dd with a spare phone so she could call me at 6am in tears. I didn’t collect her as everyone was asleep. But she knew I had her back and we could chat for a while. I was pretty pissed off with the parents actually as the same thing happened with a different friend at our house some time after this and the girls slept in my room on the floor in a little tent.

As for now, I talk to my 14 yo when she’s staying at her mate’s house if I want to know something eg time to pick up. These days it is about logistics rather than a night night. She stayed at a friend’s on Friday and wanted the same friend to stay here last night so I needed to get the Halal meat out of the freezer to defrost. I called her 3 times yesterday about the meat 🙄 as I didn’t get an answer, first time her friend had forgotten to ask if she was allowed. Second time, 2 hours later, still not asked. Third time, asked but forgot to tell me that it was a yes.

You need to start your own thread. This one is about a nasty mil. But my thoughts? You have to do what works for your family.

To be honest this is a bit over the top - yes I do have a DP issue and a MIL issue which I am going to stick up for myself with this next mini holiday

DP is not a waster at all he is just afraid of confrontation. He does have a lot of redeeming qualities which is why I went on to marry him. We were together for 19 years before we married - we only married after my son was born.

I cannot really understand the statement about I’m not protecting my daughter! She isn’t in any danger and I would hand on heart protect my children with my life - I’m not sure she hides the texting because MIL doesn’t like her on her phone or if it’s because she is texting me.

for the person that asked about her texting me often - it’s things like a few months ago they went to a theme park and my daughter was sending me pictures of rides and things. She wasn’t texting me saying she wants to come home or anything like that - it’s more photos of things they are getting up to, which is exactly what I want, just little updates of how happy they are