Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

[Helphusbandsadick]

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

@LicoricePizza at first I was inclined to think the same as you but then OP spoke of a time she was having an emergency in hospital and the MIL still wouldn't let her speak to her daughter. That's just downright cruel.

Your MIL thought she would test the boundary

DH said you'd be talking to DCs to see how their day went
MIL sends a video and claims DCs (a 10 yo) are asleep at teatime when you ring. Unlikely. She removes DDs phone after tea)

Your MiL is controlling. She doesn't like idea of you talking to DCs as she isn't in control of that conversation and selfishly wants to keep DCs go herself.

If they cried or hurt themselves, would she let them call you? I doubt it.
She's not trustworthy to have your DCs overnight or for long periods. She's a self centred woman who sees your DCs as property / entertainment nlt as individual children with their own parents.

She tested the water
She lied.
Make sure there is a consequence

"We want DCs to stay.."
"Nope, you deliberately prevent DCs from talking to us even briefly when they stay over, so no more overnights.

You were reminded last time and you lied that they were asleep at 5pm. Not cool. Not open for discussion either. They are our children, we are their parents. You'll just have to see them at our house"

Your MiL has just lied to you to maintain what she sees as the upper hand.
Utter bullshit that your kids were asleep before tea time, especially your 10 year old.

Obviously you can't cross question the kids about it, but it's clear as day your controlling MiL thinks nothing of lying to make sure she gets her own way.
This is pure dominance display.
She must know her lie was transparent. She simply believes you won't have the guts to challenge her on it.

Well your 10 year old will soon tell you if they were so tired they both had a sleep at tea time.

Exactly this.

I would ask her daughter though and put a stop to that woman EVER having them overnight again.

Your MiL is actually scared. As a pp said, she can't control the conversation between you and the children and if the children said something that indicated she wasn't the best thing since sliced bread and not better than their own mother she wouldn't be able to cope with that. She doesn't want her own delusions shattered. If I was looking after children and they spoke to their mother saying what a lovely time they were having I'd be over the moon. It's weird all round.

I think you’re right about your DH being the main problem here. His mum was controlling when he was young and never stopped now he has his own family. And that’s a because he never learned to step up for himself. So he never tried.

It’s good he stood up for you when you dropped your DC off at your PIl’s house. Hoop he will be practicing with that in the future.

My ex-MIL is a very controlling woman as well. And my ex was very afraid of her. Still is (and he is also depressed). When our kids were young they loved going to her, now they don’t. She controls them too, and they don’t want that (anymore/ the finally realized what she was doing to them). My DD’s are 13 and 17 years old, and the oldest doesn’t want to see her anymore (youngest doesn’t like her either and refuses to stay a night over since she was 10yo). My 17yo told her dad yesterday she doesn’t want to come over for Christmas because of the controlling and paternalistic behavior of her grandmother.

It’s not about our story, but it makes I’m reading red flags in yours. In my opinion it’s better for everyone in the story your DH stands up for you and your family. Even for your MIL it’ll be better. In the end ties will break or get irreparable damaged. He hope you can convince him to continue to doing that.

I hope it’ll all work out for you and your family. It’s tough when you feel lonely in your relationship.

I just wouldn’t leave them there.

That sounds suss. And if the children were asleep, they’d likely have awoken a couple of hours later, or your 10 yo at least so they could easily have called you back later. I’d be calling your dd on her phone directly. Your mil is gaslighting you.

Next time they have your children tell them you will be phoning to speak to them and if they don't allow it that will be the last time. Also tell them whilst you respect no phones at the dinner table you allow your daughter to have her phone after dinner and would like them to do the same incase you wish to speak to her. If they moan then stop allowing them over night access. If you want to speak with your child then you will. I would also speak with your husband about how that incident made you feel and ask that in future he just puts your child on and tells them you will both parent how you see fit.

They're very controlling.

I have known someone who was like this.

They'd assume that they weren't trusted by the parents and it got messy, they'd change the child's clothes on arrival, they were childless but I think they believe they own great nephew whenever they took care of him.

to stop the Contact then I am really just stopping the kids having a really good time

Your Dd is already getting used to hiding things she is doing around grandma. That isn’t a route you should be encouraging her to go down.

You might have a mil problem but you also have a Dh problem.

I think this should have stopped 15 years ago.

Your mil has it in her head you are too incapable of looking after yourself that is why she is looking after yourf kids all the time. Probably telling her friends you don’t speak to your children one day to the next.

I bet there is a story she is portraying to her friends about you and it is to bolster her claim on your children

I would slowly cut down her involvement to zero.

And if your weak Dh doesn’t like it then he can go and be looked after by her.

Or move many many miles away.