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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

237 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:19

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

OP posts:
kateandme · 24/10/2022 00:13

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 14:36

im sat here in tears reading all these comments and I know what needs to be done and I really need to grow some balls and look after my children
Don't you dare beat yourself up OP.
It's not your fault that your H is an abusive cock.
It can take years for women to recognise the pattern, & then get themselves & their DC out. You should clap yourself on the back for spotting it, & resolving to improve your lives.

my husband is certainly depressed, I think he is a lot worse then maybe I’m telling myself - his personality has definitely changed
Is he?
Does he have a diagnosis?
What is his treatment plan? Is he engaging with it?
What steps is he taking to improve his mood?

To your children - & you - it's immaterial WHY daddy is being an arse. All that matters is that he is being one, doesn't seem to recognise it is a problem, & isn;t dloing anything to actively address that problem.

everyone is saying about my relationship effecting my children, yes I agree with this and I also think my parents have effected my relationship as my mother left my father when she was mid forties. She was bored and they had drifted apart. They got divorced and my mother regretted it ever since. She is now extremely depressed herself, has never found anyone to spend her life with and has become almost a recluse. This has definitely made me feel I should try and ride the storm with my husband but yes I think the end is in sight. I just hope I haven’t left things too late to start again.
my personality has started to change and I am just coasting through life. I don’t have time for friends and I suffer from severe insomnia so I’m shattered constantly. By the time I have done my jobs and kids are in bed it’s then my bedtime as I am so exhausted
Slow down, take a breath, get logical.
You are scared of becoming your mother by leaving. But what you have just described here is ... you becoming your mother, by staying.

Imagine how much lighter you'd feel, in charge of your own home & your DC. Able to provide them with the happy family environment you want for them. Never having to feel let down yet again by H's laziness, bullying, neglect & moods. Never again having to communicate with his mother. Never counting down the hours til he's out of the house & dreading the moment you hear his key in the door. Never having to watch your children deflate because daddy's home, with his moods & contempt.

Does he have a diagnosis?
What is his treatment plan? Is he engaging with it?

What steps is he taking to improve his mood?

not necessarily needed.you don’t need a diognosis to be depressed or mentally ill.some people never manage to get one.nor is it that easy with mental illness to get,seek or accept help or change.that’s often one of the biggest symptoms.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 24/10/2022 01:13

Don't explain, just never allow them to stay with the in-laws again, ever. As the saying goes, actions have consequences.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 24/10/2022 07:32

kateandme · 24/10/2022 00:13

Does he have a diagnosis?
What is his treatment plan? Is he engaging with it?

What steps is he taking to improve his mood?

not necessarily needed.you don’t need a diognosis to be depressed or mentally ill.some people never manage to get one.nor is it that easy with mental illness to get,seek or accept help or change.that’s often one of the biggest symptoms.

Show quote history

Hey thank you for your comment, no my husband literally never goes to the doctors. Think the last time he went was a decade ago!! so no diagnosis. I know he is depressed though, the complete change in personality and the lack of enjoyment in absolutely everything I’m sure is a sign.

I sat him down last night and we had a good talk, I said if he doesn’t go and see a doctor soon and change his ways then the marriage is over. Honestly he seemed shocked!!! I said do you honestly think it’s working, do you honestly expect me to literally do everything? The parenting/the cleaning & cooking and the general running of the house!
I told him in the 20 years we have been together you have not once done the food shop and I could count on 1 hand the amount of times you have cooked! and he wouldn’t know where to start with the washing and drying of clothes!!!
He said he does the cleaning!!!! I replied with possibly once a week you will clean 1 room!!!

so we are starting a plan with him doing more chores, he has to clean the 2 bathrooms each day, this will take minutes as they are general clean. He also has to hoover downstairs every other day. Ill do upstairs as I’ll do that when I whip round the bedrooms.

I have also told him he absolutely has to start looking after the children more and be ‘present’ instead of coming home from work and sitting on his phone! And just generally being a moody lump that takes up space in our home! He very very rarely takes the kids to the park or for a walk alone.
I told him this is why our son only wants me as he hasn’t built a bond with him like I have

I have told him if his mother doesn’t let me speak to the kids you can tell her it’s the last time she has them! AND YOU WILL HAVE MY BACK WITH THIS!!! Let’s see how that goes down

I am also going to limit kids/my contact with MIL, I’m not going to say anything about this but gradually disappear ie I can’t come round as I have xyz on and hopefully she will get the picture. Dh can go round whenever he likes but me and the kids won’t be

for the people that mentioned about MIL talking bad about me to my children, I honestly cannot see her doing this. She absolutely hates BIL Xwife, like really detests her but she always makes sure there children are out of earshot before she says anything about her, even if it’s something like - the kids went to see her today. So I can’t see her moaning about me to them. I do think this is so all the kids think she is the best grandma in the world though and not doing it for kids/my benefit

so after having a very bad day yesterday and spending quite a lot of it in tears, I’m now at breaking Point and if things do not improve within the next couple of weeks then I’m gone and he knows this. I’m just not sure even if he changed into the best husband ever I fear that the love has now gone

OP posts:
bozzabollix · 24/10/2022 07:45

Just having read your first few posts I’m quite shocked. How dare she shout at you and accuse you of not being able to look after anything?

I think post that unless she’d made a full apology there’d be no contact from me, or contact with the kids. Who does she think she is?

Next time tell her to fuck right off and be done with it. If you get bullied by your husband tell him got fuck off too.

Such an overstep of boundaries.

Magenta82 · 24/10/2022 07:50

Helphusbandsadick · 24/10/2022 07:32

Hey thank you for your comment, no my husband literally never goes to the doctors. Think the last time he went was a decade ago!! so no diagnosis. I know he is depressed though, the complete change in personality and the lack of enjoyment in absolutely everything I’m sure is a sign.

I sat him down last night and we had a good talk, I said if he doesn’t go and see a doctor soon and change his ways then the marriage is over. Honestly he seemed shocked!!! I said do you honestly think it’s working, do you honestly expect me to literally do everything? The parenting/the cleaning & cooking and the general running of the house!
I told him in the 20 years we have been together you have not once done the food shop and I could count on 1 hand the amount of times you have cooked! and he wouldn’t know where to start with the washing and drying of clothes!!!
He said he does the cleaning!!!! I replied with possibly once a week you will clean 1 room!!!

so we are starting a plan with him doing more chores, he has to clean the 2 bathrooms each day, this will take minutes as they are general clean. He also has to hoover downstairs every other day. Ill do upstairs as I’ll do that when I whip round the bedrooms.

I have also told him he absolutely has to start looking after the children more and be ‘present’ instead of coming home from work and sitting on his phone! And just generally being a moody lump that takes up space in our home! He very very rarely takes the kids to the park or for a walk alone.
I told him this is why our son only wants me as he hasn’t built a bond with him like I have

I have told him if his mother doesn’t let me speak to the kids you can tell her it’s the last time she has them! AND YOU WILL HAVE MY BACK WITH THIS!!! Let’s see how that goes down

I am also going to limit kids/my contact with MIL, I’m not going to say anything about this but gradually disappear ie I can’t come round as I have xyz on and hopefully she will get the picture. Dh can go round whenever he likes but me and the kids won’t be

for the people that mentioned about MIL talking bad about me to my children, I honestly cannot see her doing this. She absolutely hates BIL Xwife, like really detests her but she always makes sure there children are out of earshot before she says anything about her, even if it’s something like - the kids went to see her today. So I can’t see her moaning about me to them. I do think this is so all the kids think she is the best grandma in the world though and not doing it for kids/my benefit

so after having a very bad day yesterday and spending quite a lot of it in tears, I’m now at breaking Point and if things do not improve within the next couple of weeks then I’m gone and he knows this. I’m just not sure even if he changed into the best husband ever I fear that the love has now gone

Show quote history

This sounds like a positive step, hopefully it will give you a chance to do some thinking and see how you feel once he is making an effort, or not.

Good luck OP.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 07:57

Well done for laying everything on the line to your H OP.

And make sure he sees his GP - HE has to make the appointment. No doing it for him - he doesn't need any more facilitating.

I hope he steps up domestically & starts being on your team about his mother.

billy1966 · 24/10/2022 08:45

Well done OP, you all deserve better.

Cheesybreadnom · 24/10/2022 09:01

I’d potentially let the ten year old go if she wants to as she’s able to get in contact with you if she wants you. No way would I ever put myself in a position where I couldn’t speak with my own four year old.
It is controlling and weird, just stop allowing them to stay, especially the little one until he is older and has his own phone. Seems the only thing to do especially if your DH won’t deal with it.

GabriellaMontez · 24/10/2022 10:45

Well done. I hope you see some changes for the better.

Guzy · 24/10/2022 11:41

This is a good start to mending relationships, may I suggest drawing up a to do list. As this may get him more motivated. Also if he can’t cook get him to learn watch a couple of recipes on YouTube. This will give you a break from cooking too.

kateandme · 24/10/2022 14:11

Helphusbandsadick · 24/10/2022 07:32

Hey thank you for your comment, no my husband literally never goes to the doctors. Think the last time he went was a decade ago!! so no diagnosis. I know he is depressed though, the complete change in personality and the lack of enjoyment in absolutely everything I’m sure is a sign.

I sat him down last night and we had a good talk, I said if he doesn’t go and see a doctor soon and change his ways then the marriage is over. Honestly he seemed shocked!!! I said do you honestly think it’s working, do you honestly expect me to literally do everything? The parenting/the cleaning & cooking and the general running of the house!
I told him in the 20 years we have been together you have not once done the food shop and I could count on 1 hand the amount of times you have cooked! and he wouldn’t know where to start with the washing and drying of clothes!!!
He said he does the cleaning!!!! I replied with possibly once a week you will clean 1 room!!!

so we are starting a plan with him doing more chores, he has to clean the 2 bathrooms each day, this will take minutes as they are general clean. He also has to hoover downstairs every other day. Ill do upstairs as I’ll do that when I whip round the bedrooms.

I have also told him he absolutely has to start looking after the children more and be ‘present’ instead of coming home from work and sitting on his phone! And just generally being a moody lump that takes up space in our home! He very very rarely takes the kids to the park or for a walk alone.
I told him this is why our son only wants me as he hasn’t built a bond with him like I have

I have told him if his mother doesn’t let me speak to the kids you can tell her it’s the last time she has them! AND YOU WILL HAVE MY BACK WITH THIS!!! Let’s see how that goes down

I am also going to limit kids/my contact with MIL, I’m not going to say anything about this but gradually disappear ie I can’t come round as I have xyz on and hopefully she will get the picture. Dh can go round whenever he likes but me and the kids won’t be

for the people that mentioned about MIL talking bad about me to my children, I honestly cannot see her doing this. She absolutely hates BIL Xwife, like really detests her but she always makes sure there children are out of earshot before she says anything about her, even if it’s something like - the kids went to see her today. So I can’t see her moaning about me to them. I do think this is so all the kids think she is the best grandma in the world though and not doing it for kids/my benefit

so after having a very bad day yesterday and spending quite a lot of it in tears, I’m now at breaking Point and if things do not improve within the next couple of weeks then I’m gone and he knows this. I’m just not sure even if he changed into the best husband ever I fear that the love has now gone

Show quote history

Op i don't want to put a downer on this.you doing this was fucking brilliant.for your own good and for all wives and mothers.you stood ground and did something.
Buuut it's all book of isn't it.because when we getti the most important bit?that last paragraph even you saw it.love.do you love him.want to be with him.see this making you happy.a fanily? He might step up and be all things.( depression doesn't allow this but go on) bit will it male a happy home.you.kids?or just a better functioning one.
I no 20 years is alot.youve ingrained into eacother seams now.
But 20 more years?and then 20 more?can you.

BatshitBanshee · 24/10/2022 14:12

Well done OP, I do hope you see a change soon. It cannot have been easy to communicate but you did it! I'm very proud of you and I do hope that doesn't sound condescending 😅

olympicsrock · 25/10/2022 08:57

OP - I’m sorry that your husband does not stand up to your mother and is lazy but your housekeeping standards are really high.
Daily bathroom cleaning ?
hoovering every other day?

I wonder if your need to relax a bit here?

Iwannerbeyourslave · 25/10/2022 10:28

Well done OP. I have struggled with depression and it can feel like constantly wading through mud. I had a lightbulb moment, went to my gp and never looked back. I hope this is your DH's lightbulb moment and he now steps up. You've been very clear about what you need. Stay strong and try not to let things drift along as they

Iwannerbeyourslave · 25/10/2022 10:30

Ooops...as they have been doing. Hopefully you can both get what you need.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 25/10/2022 15:50

olympicsrock · 25/10/2022 08:57

OP - I’m sorry that your husband does not stand up to your mother and is lazy but your housekeeping standards are really high.
Daily bathroom cleaning ?
hoovering every other day?

I wonder if your need to relax a bit here?

Hi when I say bathroom cleaning I really just mean a quick wipe up! 1 almost teenager and a toddler make a right mess with toothpaste and toddler is just learning toilet training so a quick wipe up. Takes 5 minutes if I keep on top of it. I also have 2 dogs so a quick whip round with the hoover ever other day is pretty standard in our house. Again if I keep on top of this then it doesn’t take as long

I don’t have high standards it’s actually me being lazy as if it all builds up then it’s a massive chore 😊

OP posts:
MightyOaks · 25/10/2022 18:15

Has your DH contacted your MIL and put these boundaries in place yet? I do hope so!

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 26/10/2022 06:50

MightyOaks · 25/10/2022 18:15

Has your DH contacted your MIL and put these boundaries in place yet? I do hope so!

Well guess what, we dropped the kids off on Monday. I hadn’t reminded him to say anything as I just wanted to see if he did it or not. Just as we were saying bye to the kids my husband said “ok, we will be calling you both tomorrow to see how your day has been” MIL said jokingly “they’ll be having too much fun to speak with you!” And DH said “well that’s fine, but we will be speaking with them at some point as we just want to hear FROM THEM how there day has been!!!” Quite sternly!! I turned around and did a little fist pump!!!

I then received 2 pictures from my daughter the following day as they went to a treetop nets place and also a video of my 4yo and daughter is talking to MIL in the background of this video and I overhear her say she is sending it to mum! But then when we tried to ring later on they were both asleep worn out! This was just before teatime!! So I just txt my daughter saying so happy you had a good time and I tried to call but you were asleep so I will just speak to you when you are home tomorrow and goodnight

so I didn’t actually get to speak to my kids in the end but as some people mentioned they wouldn’t unless absolutely necessary I thought it’s best I leave it.

they will be home later tonight so if daughter wants to ring I’m sure she will

as far as hubby goes though he stepped up this once, let’s see if he can continue!!! Because I know this is definitely the bigger issue here!!!
Thank you to everyone that took the time to reply to me and to those that have really helpful advice, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Zonder · 26/10/2022 06:57

That sounds better! He needs to keep this up because clearly it surprised his mum!

LadyHarmby · 26/10/2022 07:03

Do you believe they were asleep? At teatime?

PoseyFlump · 26/10/2022 07:14

Not sure I'd believe your eldest was asleep so early. Again, kids being made to navigate adult's feelings is not on.

Tiani4 · 26/10/2022 07:57

I doubt your children (especially the 10 year old) we're asleep at tea time. Just ask your DD when she gets home whether she has her phone or was awake after you texted her.

If not, then you have your answer. Your PILS will continue to actively prevent your DCs from walking to you when you ring. And be prepared to lie to do so.

To me that's be the last time they stay over at PILs house, PIL can visit for the day to take them out or to babysit or they want but otherwise no. But then my DCs would insist on talking to their Mum!

Thurst · 26/10/2022 08:19

This is how narcissists operate. She’s still preventing you talking to them but has somehow managed to make you grateful for the little bone she threw you.
These people are not healthy to have around your children.

LicoricePizza · 26/10/2022 08:25

Is she like a bossy matriarch kind of 1950’s style matron knows best type of thing? When she says “they’re not missing you” is she trying to say no need to worry they’re happy & not missing you so you don’t need to get upset /worry/about them & enjoy yourself kind of thing?

Is there a back story where she’s thinks you find it difficult to separate from them (am sure you don’t) because it’s like she’s making out you’re being overly needy when you in fact just want to speak to your kids!

What a cow. I’d be genuinely concerned that she would withhold contact when you might seriously need to speak with one of them.
Like she’d assume it wasn’t as serious when it really actually could be.

I really wouldn’t like this. It’s like when they’re at hers she becomes the parent & you are told what to do. You say you feel you get told off.
She just can’t help herself from becoming their mother when they’re round at hers & your status as their mother gets completely ignored.

I couldn’t deal with it! But your kids have so much fun with them etc. Why are sone women such power hungry control freak old mother hens?!!!

PoseyFlump · 26/10/2022 08:26

somehow managed to make you grateful for the little bone she threw you.

Exactly that. And now I'm wondering if she is taking your daughter's phone too. Your children could be miserable but would dare not tell you because they know how granny would react. Kids are pretty good at picking up on everything.