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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

237 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:19

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 07:57

Marriage ending?! If your dh cannot stand up to his mother, is he happy? Have you asked him I he thinks the status quo is ok? Does he like that you are both not ‘allowed’ to do certain things? If he could wave a magic wand, would he like his mum just to get on with everyone and be chilled out?

From what you’ve said, neither of you learned about boundaries from your parents and you’re not teaching them to your children either. You are in danger of recreating this unhealthy dynamic for them when they leave home, perhaps marry and have children. You are living what you learned and your dcs will do the same.

As for respect, your mil will respect you if you change your behaviour or she will go no contact from you if she really cannot deal with it. You just have to stay strong and hold the line.

Wishyfishy · 23/10/2022 07:59

What is the 3 nights this week? Can you not just text and say you’ve reconsidered and as you have so little communication with your DC when they are with them, you are only happy with 1 night?

If it’s a holiday away they’ve booked I guess suck it up this one time and don’t allow overnights after it.

HikingforScenery · 23/10/2022 08:00

It sounds like that’s their price for letting the GC stay overnight and you’ve decided that price is worth paying, so …
I’d have stopped the overnight stays a long time ago tbh

Tigofigo · 23/10/2022 08:01

What makes me really sad is that it will go both ways.

Your DC might be desperate to speak to YOU, and she won't allow it. Can imagine them crying and asking if they can call mummy and daddy and her spitting poison in their ear about mummy not wanting to hear from them, she's too busy having fun without them etc.

God knows what other awful stuff she's saying about you to them too, if she speaks that horribly to your face.

Why on earth are you letting her have them for 3 days now after what happened last time?? I would very much be keeping her at arm's length, from you all.

mansviewpoint · 23/10/2022 08:04

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 07:57

Marriage ending?! If your dh cannot stand up to his mother, is he happy? Have you asked him I he thinks the status quo is ok? Does he like that you are both not ‘allowed’ to do certain things? If he could wave a magic wand, would he like his mum just to get on with everyone and be chilled out?

From what you’ve said, neither of you learned about boundaries from your parents and you’re not teaching them to your children either. You are in danger of recreating this unhealthy dynamic for them when they leave home, perhaps marry and have children. You are living what you learned and your dcs will do the same.

As for respect, your mil will respect you if you change your behaviour or she will go no contact from you if she really cannot deal with it. You just have to stay strong and hold the line.

As per MummyofLittleDragon....
DH was brought up; by this woman, so he would have learnt at a very young age not to question it too much. You should be asking him, what would happen when he disagreed with his mum... what did his dad do? I'd suggest that he's been exposed to an environemtn where you can't defy his mother, that the effect of it is bad. I think that if you speak to him about it, and of course ask him if he thinks that his mother's style is what he wishes you did to your children....

sue20 · 23/10/2022 08:05

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:29

Thank you for your replies I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable. My husband thinks I should leave it and let them have there alone time with my kids. Honestly it’s not like I’m ringing non stop.
i always get a reply of either No he is busy! Or he isn’t missing me at all and is playing right now so no I cannot speak to him! It drives me insane. Luckily when my daughter does have her phone she texts me quite often. I have since learnt that she hides the fact she is texting me from her nana!!!! She is 10 and has learnt to do this so surely that’s a bit off!!!

What’s wrong with them? Even if they view your need to speak to your children as unnecessary they should not let on they think that and of course always put you onto said child. Sounds like their need to control. Husband needs to deal with.

MarigoldMoonStone · 23/10/2022 08:06

If they are just staying for one night I don’t see why you need to speak to the kids.
If it’s a bit longer I get it, but 3 days isn’t that long and your 4 yr old especially would probably get upset & start missing you after speaking to you, so I see why they want to avoid it.
If you trust them with your kids and you can speak to them to check everything is okay then I don’t think it’s that big of an issue.

Worthyornot · 23/10/2022 08:06

There is a Mil, Dh and you problem as well. Why are you allowing this and complaining about it. FfS your 4yo might be crying for you as well, and you still send him??

Tiani4 · 23/10/2022 08:14

Your PIL particularly your MIL sounds emotionally abusive to you. That story from when you were in hospital was horrendous. My DParents would never do this, even if it unsettled the DCs temprariky they'd be voluntarily putting them on the phone to me, because they respect our relationship mine and my DCs. That's what's lacking with your MIL- respect for your DCs relationship with you and yours with them

As your DD is 10 she might have school friends she can stay with instead of these PILs when over night. DS can go to your mother?

I would say- "The DCs must be able to ring me via DDs phone anytime and I will ring 6.30pm each night- to say goodnight to them. " If PILs say no then reply "we'll make alternative arrangements then as it's unkind and not in best interests of our children to be prevented from talking with their mum. This has gone on for far too long & I'm raising concerns about your behaviour in this matter."

ItsNotReallyChaos · 23/10/2022 08:16

They sound unpleasant because of they way they speak to you/about you.

However, when I've left DD with my parents for a few days our agreement is that I won't phone her unless she tells grandma that she wants to speak to me. Generally it's better for young kids to get on with it where they are than a reminder that their mum is away from them.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 08:16

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 07:25

This has to stop op. Screw the consequences of what she says to you. She is taking your dcs away. You tell her that if she doesn’t ensure you speak to your children every single day this holiday they won’t be having your dcs overnight ever again. And mean it and that is even if you’re massively inconvenienced by it.

Let her rant and shout. She is the child and using this as a way to control you. You are probably actually quite intimidating to her and are strong in a quiet way. So use that strength and stick up for yourself.

Tell her she has disrespected you for the last time. Then repeat your rules and tell her if she doesn’t stop her childish rant now she won’t be taking the children away this week at all.

Above all, stay calm. She is looking for you to do one of two things. Fight or back down. Instead you stay the calm adult. Role play it with a friend or your dp if you are able.

Wow you are very true here, she is definitely looking at me to either spit my dummy out as she puts it or back down

we went on holiday with her a few years ago and stayed in a house together - I was really not looking forward to it but they had paid for it for my husbands birthday, so on the surface I was really excited and very grateful - we had to stay with her but brother and his wife got there own house!!

this was the worst week of my life! I bit my tongue the whole holiday but she literally treated me like crap the whole time, meal times were the worst - they controlled all meals and even when I asked if i could make something different for DD as she wouldn’t eat what was on offer it was like I spat in her face!!! She would then make a big issue about the inconvenience of making dd something and how she is a firm believer of not Pussy footing around kids and they should eat what is being offered! So then I would either back down and let dd go hungry or have to put up with the relentless comments either to my face or over hear comments to BIL and his then wife!!! And by the way DD isn’t a fussy eater but she was about 3 at the time and definitely wouldn’t eat curry or something like that!!

OP posts:
ThingsIhavelearnt · 23/10/2022 08:17

malificent7 · 23/10/2022 07:00

She screamed at you wabout the dog? And you are not nc...why?

This - you know they are narcissistic abusers yes?

mine were like this it is parental alienation from grandparents

you need to be totally nc

no more overnights no contacts

BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 08:21

No more visits, days out and nights away with grandparents until they learn to behave themselves and respect you as the children's mother. Especially that witch, she is not good people OP. Anyone said that to my husband when I was in hospital having a baby?? She's lucky if I didn't rise up through the phone and rip her several new ones.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/10/2022 08:21

I've read all the OP's posts and have to say I wouldn't have let this continue for so long. I am a grandma and there is no way I would prevent grandchildren from speaking to their parents while with me.

One thing stands out - that MIL likes to be 'head of the family' - such a thing does mot exist in my world. You need to put your foot down.

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/10/2022 08:25

I think calling small children to speak to them can unsettle them and make them upset, even if they were fine up until that point. That's why calling children away on a school trip or Brownie camp is roundly discouraged.

Probably best not to send your children for overnights til they are older, say 11+. Then they'll have their own phones and can handle their own coms.

Your MiL sounds like a cow btw, which might be another reason not to send them.

CarefreeMe · 23/10/2022 08:25

Luckily when my daughter does have her phone she texts me quite often.

Why does your daughter text you often?
I think you are pushing your anxiety into your children.

YANBU that you’re not allowed to speak to your children but they should be having fun with their GP and not worrying about contacting you.

Having constant access to mobile phones is creating massive anxiety in people as they feel they need to be in constant communication with people.
There was a thread back along about a women who uses the phones tracker to see when her DH would be home for dinner!

I don’t know why you keep allowing them to go for so long.

If I was you I would stop the over nights if you feel that there’s a chance your DC may not be having a good time.

Readinginthesun · 23/10/2022 08:26

I frequently have my DGC to stay and I can assure you if I refused to let them speak to DD ( which I wouldn’t dream of doing) that would be the end of sleepovers .
People like your MIL give us Grannies a bad name !

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 08:27

Pigsinmuck · 23/10/2022 07:27

What you love is the free childcare, not the fact that they are hands on.

Your MIL sounds like a bully and there is no way I would expose my children to this, not for all the free childcare in the world. It’s damaging to them to see their mother being disrespected in this way.

You’ve sold yourself to someone who bullies and degrades you in-front of your children, all for some free childcare, make a choice on whether it’s worth it.

It’s not really free childcare - they don’t have them often enough to be classed as free childcare. The last time they had them was about 2 months ago. When they do have them they do do really fun things - this week when they are having them for a few days they are going to a haven site and it was especially for the kids - so to stop the Contact then I am really just stopping the kids having a really good time. So it is very difficult situation. If they were just going to stay at there house for a few days and not do anything then I would easily say no they are staying with me.
apart from school I am with my children almost 100% of the time so yes I do appreciate the couple of days peace and alone time. I don’t go out drinking ever and very rarely go for a meal or things like that and I have already booked next week off work so it’s not like I needed there help but it is appreciated and I can get some jobs done on the house.
she is definitely a bit of a bully to me but occasionally she does have her nice moments with me. I don’t think she says anything around my kids as I would hope my daughter would tell me

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 23/10/2022 08:35

You haven’t told us why they are having the children for three days this week.

olympicsrock · 23/10/2022 08:36

Sorry cross post

BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 08:38

to stop the Contact then I am really just stopping the kids having a really good time.

Is it though? What happens when one of your kids wants to talk to mum and they've taken your daughter's phone away? What do they get told then? Because tbh OP, I cannot see why anyone would go through having and raising kids - who you clearly do adore - to then be told contact is "not allowed" while they're away from home and accept someone else's rules for you around your kids!!! This is BIZARRE behaviour by MIL and by you.

she is definitely a bit of a bully to me but occasionally she does have her nice moments with me.

Narcissists do this to keep you sweet and keep you questioning yourself as to whether they're really bad people or you're the problem.

I don’t think she says anything around my kids as I would hope my daughter would tell me

She doesn't see her mummy standing up to GM so why should she tell you anything - there'd be no point and she's not confronting her GM herself.

If the adults are tiptoeing around a grandmother, you're out of your mind to think kids aren't doing the same. Why would you keep exposing them to a narcissist.

Schnooze · 23/10/2022 08:40

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 07:25

This has to stop op. Screw the consequences of what she says to you. She is taking your dcs away. You tell her that if she doesn’t ensure you speak to your children every single day this holiday they won’t be having your dcs overnight ever again. And mean it and that is even if you’re massively inconvenienced by it.

Let her rant and shout. She is the child and using this as a way to control you. You are probably actually quite intimidating to her and are strong in a quiet way. So use that strength and stick up for yourself.

Tell her she has disrespected you for the last time. Then repeat your rules and tell her if she doesn’t stop her childish rant now she won’t be taking the children away this week at all.

Above all, stay calm. She is looking for you to do one of two things. Fight or back down. Instead you stay the calm adult. Role play it with a friend or your dp if you are able.

Absolutely this.

No argument or shouting from you. Just stating calmly what is going to happen and the consequences if it doesn’t.

gogohmm · 23/10/2022 08:40

When my were small I would call my mum to see if they were ok and she would call over to them saying I was own the phone did they want to talk to mama, 99% time they didn't, too busy. I would choose the time carefully so it wasn't meal time or bath time as my mum ran a strict routine with them unlike me.

Fruitbatt · 23/10/2022 08:44

romdowa · 23/10/2022 06:29

Why are you putting up with this. I'd tell them to put my child on the phone this minute or I'm coming to get them (obvious not while you were in hospital) sounds like a dp problem really though. He needs to stand up to his parents

This

I wouldn’t allow my children to stay with them if I were you.

Ollybob · 23/10/2022 08:46

When kids go on school trips phone calls are discouraged as it makes them unsettled and think of home when previously they were fine.
I distinctly remember being on a school residential and being fine till I heard my mums voice on the phone midweek then I cried!
Same happened when I took a friend's dd away on holiday, she had a minor fall, all OK but a bit bloody,
I was going to call the mum later and let her know as she had said to keep me updated without speaking to her dd but another parent did this and put dds friend on the phone, she was absolutely fine before speaking to her.
Also remember the first days of school when many dcs would wail upon parents leaving and be fine as soon as they were gone? Same thing.
You are teaching them independence away from you which is a good thing.
However the getting annoyed isn't good as she disregards you, that needs to be worked on and another method of contact may be good, sending pictures or telling you what's going on during the days they look after dc.